Page 49 of Point of Contact

Trevor stumbled over his own feet in surprise at the question, and he grabbed Jesse’s arm to save himself from crashing to his knees. Jesse stopped until he caught his balance. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Trevor said, letting go of him. “Sorry about that.”

Jesse nodded and started off again, and Trevor cleared his throat. “I’m not married, Jesse. Obviously I wasn’t able to go through with it only two months after Riley was killed. At that point I could barely function.” He gave a soft snort. “Not like I’m doing so hot now, but at two months out, it wasn’t pretty.”

Jesse didn’t reply, but Trevor could see some color returning to his face as the anxiety loosened its grip on him. He kept talking, trying to keep him distracted. “Carl and Riley weren’t particularly close; they didn’t have a chance to be. By the time Carl moved in with me, Riley was already out of the house. I always thought—I always thought we had plenty of time...”

“I’m sorry.” Jesse’s voice was soft.

“Carl’s been after me to pack up Riley’s room for a while now, says I need the ‘closure.’” Trevor crooked his fingers in air quotes. “I considered asking him to do it, but I wanted someone who really knew him to touch his things for the last time in our home. Maybe that’s stupid, but when I couldn’t bring myself to do it, I thought of you.”

Jesse stopped, and Trevor did, too, glancing over at him. “I’m honored,” Jesse said, his voice gentle. “More than you know. And it’s not stupid.”

They started walking again, the silence a little more comfortable now.

“Carl’s several years older than I am,” Trevor said at last, “an only child, not particularly close to his parents, and he’s never lost anyone important to him. He likes things neat and organized. It’s the engineer in him.”

“And grief is messy, chaotic, can’t be put into neat boxes.”

“Right. I’ll have an okay day, maybe two, and then crash again. I know it frustrates him.”

“I’m sure it’s hard for someone like him to feel so helpless,” Jesse observed. He glanced at Trevor out of the corner of his eye. “Have you guys thought of getting counseling?”

Trevor nodded. “I’ve invited him to my grief group, but he thinks we don’t need it, that we should be able to help each other through this.”

“Now that’s fucking stupid,” Jesse said flatly. He winced. “Jesus, I’m sorry. None of this is any of my business, Trevor.”

“It’s okay,” Trevor mumbled, but Jesse strode on ahead, and this time Trevor let him, lost in thought. The grief group had been a huge bone of contention between he and Carl right from the start.

“Why do you need to talk to strangers, Trev? Talk to me. I’m here, and I love you.”

In truth Trevor hadn’t gotten much out of the group. His was the most recent loss, and he couldn’t help but be embarrassed at how often he fell apart. It made it hard for him to open up, and coupled with Carl’s insistence that they didn’t need it, eventually Trevor stopped going. Maybe he needed to try again.

Up ahead of him Jesse set a punishing pace, and soon it took all Trevor had to regulate his breathing, to keep putting one foot in front of the other. The change in elevation was subtle, but relentless, and when Trevor rounded a bend in the trail to see all of Colorado Springs spread out below in a breathtaking panorama, he was astonished to see how high they’d climbed.

“Wow,” he breathed, dropping down to sit next to Jesse on a large, flat rock almost in the shape of a bench. “What a view.”

“One of my favorite spots in all the world.”

They both sat quietly, taking deep breaths of the crisp, clean air.

“Did you come here a lot with him?”

Jesse glanced over at Trevor. “A few times, mostly because he was the only one who would go out hiking with me on our free time instead of sitting around the barracks getting shit-faced. We weren’t super close then, more like friendly acquaintances, and of course I fucked it all up the night of the party.”

“Well, it doesn’t sound like you fucked it up forever.”

“It did get better once we got to Italy.”

“Oh, did it now?” Trevor elbowed him lightly. “What’d you do, mention the word ‘girls’ to summon him?” When Jesse cleared his throat in embarrassment, Trevor laughed out loud. “I knew it. All those lucky ladies got their worlds rocked, huh?”

Jesse was sputtering now, and Trevor took pity on him, subsiding with a chuckle.

“God, I was such a fuckin’ tool that night,” Jesse grunted. “I’m surprised Riley ever spoke to me again.”

“Eh, he wasn’t one to hold grudges. Whenever we fought, it usually blew over quickly.”

“Yeah. Riley was younger than me, but he was way more mature. I admit it.”