Page 86 of Loving a Warrior

It was the absolute last thing Shane had expected him to say, and he flailed for a response, his mouth opening and closing uselessly.

“Because not once in all the time we’ve talked about it have I heard you give me a reason.”

Shane found his voice. “You’re full of shit. Yes, I did.”

“No. You didn’t.” Matt’s gaze was steady. “You told me you ‘had your reasons’ and you ‘wanted to be a part of something bigger than yourself.’”

“Well, fuck you. Isn’t that enough?”

“No.” Matt shook his head implacably. “Not when you told me you went and joined the Marines out of spite. No one who dreams of being a SEAL would do that.”

Anxiety starting to bubble through his veins, Shane pulled away from him and stood. “Let’s go—”

Matt stood, too, moving around in front of him.

“Jon left you behind. Same as the church social, he left you behind without a backward glance, but this time, rather than follow along like a good little dog, excusing him, rationalizing his behavior, you said ‘fuck you’ and went to go do something else.” He paused, his eyes softening. “Being a SEAL wasn’t your dream, was it, Shane? It was his.”

Shane could feel himself trembling, memories assaulting him from all sides, tears springing to the surface. Matt slid his palms up Shane’s chest to rest them on his shoulders. “So…why are you here?” He stroked his thumbs along his collarbone. “Talk to me.”

Shane blinked rapidly, his voice tight. “You bastard.”

“I know.” Matt kept up the soothing touch. “Although, let me remind you that you said my bluntness was one of the things you liked about me.”

“Dammit.” Dashing the back of his hand across his eyes, Shane growled, “You gonna throw everything I’ve ever said to you back in my face at some point?”

“Probably.” Matt quirked his lips. “Believe it or not, this is actually my way of showing I care.”

“I believe it.” With an unsteady sigh, Shane sank back down to the table. “Jon was like you in a lot of ways.”

Matt bristled. “Stop comparing me to that douche—”

“Shut up, I’m not. But same as you, he’d grown up around SEALs. Everything he did was done with the goal of enlisting and going to BUD/S.”

“And where he went, you were gonna go.”

“Yeah.” Shane stared unseeingly at the bench his feet rested on. “He was everything I wasn’t, Matt. Sophisticated, worldly, well traveled. I was enthralled from the first moment I met him.”

“Who wouldn’t be?”

“He could totally be a prick, but he had a way of making you forget that. After the church social thing, he showed up at my house begging forgiveness, inviting me to punch him in the face and break his nose.”

“You were a good friend,” Matt said softly. “He’s the one who sucked.” He put his hand on Shane’s back. “And you’re here now because he died, aren’t you?”

Tears rushed to Shane’s eyes again. “It’s stupid, but I can’t help but think, if I’d been there, I could have made a difference.” A storm of emotion swirled, threatening to break free. With all his strength, he beat it back, sucking in great gulps of air.

“It’s not your fault.” Matt wrapped his arm around Shane’s shoulders tightly, the sound of his deep voice cutting through the roaring in his ears. “When he ditched you to enlist, you had every fucking reason in the world to be angry. Your feelings mattered, Shane, even if he’d already made you think, over and over, that they didn’t. That he died doesn’t negate the fact that this guy seems like a user and an asshole.”

“You shouldn’t speak ill of the dead—”

Matt scoffed. “I’ll call an asshole what he is, even if he did die a hero.” His voice softened. “I won’t diminish his sacrifice for his country, ever. But as a friend, and probably a fiancé, he blew chunks.”

“So what, you’re afraid I’m looking at you as some sort of second-chance thing? Is that it?”

“No.” It was Matt’s turn to sigh. “Can I be honest here? No, wait. Don’t answer that, sorry.”

Shane barked out a laugh. “Lay it on me. I can take it.”

“Okay, here it is. I’m not gonna get any more involved with you if you don’t know what you want to be when you grow up. It’s not fair to either one of us, and if I’m gonna fall for you, I need to know, number one, that you’re over Jon the Giant Douche and—”