Page 71 of Keeping a Warrior

“Not like this,” Devon said. “Mainly because they don’t beg. Some of them just take what they want.”

“Ah, honey.” Ella’s eyes lit with sympathy, and she patted Devon’s arm. “I’m sorry.”

They finished their meals in silence and made it back to their quarters just after the sun had set.

“Hey, a word of advice,” Ella ventured, “if you go to the shower trailers alone, bring a knife. The doors don’t lock. Better yet, don’t take a shower alone.”

This time it was Ella’s voice throbbing with pain, and Devon’s stomach hollowed out.

“You, too?”

“Me, too.”

“Did you report it?”

Ella shook her head. “Would it have done any good?”

The answer to that stabbed Devon with bitter knowledge, and all she could do was look down at her feet. It certainly hadn’t done her any good. In fact, it’d made everything worse.

“You got drunk, Ms. Lowe. Fell asleep on a man’s bed.”

“I didn’t know what I was doing. I was so drunk I couldn’t even sit up!”

“Were you intending to have sexual intercourse that night?”

“No! I just wanted to sleep.”

“You okay?” Ella’s voice broke into her anguished memories.

Devon realized she was shaking, and wrapped her arms around herself. “Yeah. Trying to be.”

Ella seemed to debate with herself for a moment before making a decision. “I want to give you more advice that someone once gave me.” She took a deep breath. “Forgive yourself.”

“Forgive myself?” Devon couldn’t believe her ears, and her jaw clenched. “Why myself?”

“For being naïve, stupid, stars-in-your-eyes, whatever words you use to tear yourself down with. Whatever words you use when you wonder if, somehow, you really were asking for it.”

Devon froze, and Ella gave a knowing nod. “Why did I go to the shower trailers alone? We were told to use the buddy system at all times, so it wasn’t the rapist’s fault for raping me, it was mine for breaking the rules.”

“What?” Devon was aghast. “Who...”

“That’s what the base chaplain told me when I went to him afterward. That I wouldn’t have been raped if I’d just followed the rules.” Ella shrugged. “You saw the guys at the chow hall. They’re desperate. They have needs. I shouldn’t have gone to the shower trailer alone. It was my fault.”

“That’s why you didn’t report it,” Devon whispered. “You knew that’s what they’d say.”

“I knew a woman who reported her assault to the guy’s commander, and guess what he said to her? ‘Rape is an occupational hazard for women in the military.’ So if we want to serve our country, we need to accept that we might be raped. Right?”

Rage heated Devon’s cheeks. “And then if we are, it must have been our fault somehow. Wearing a too-tight T-shirt to the chow hall, taking a shower alone...”

Sleeping with your teammate.

“No matter what, you didn’t deserve what happened to you,” Ella said quietly. “It wasn’t your fault. You know this already, so why not forgive the woman you were then, and love her? It wasn’t because of her, or anything she did, that bad things happened, okay?”

“Yeah.” Devon’s voice was barely audible. “Sure.”

“So tell me about it. Tell me the things you tell yourself.”

Devon blinked rapidly to keep the tears from falling. The scorn on the commanding officer’s face, in his eyes, swirled nauseatingly in front of her.