Page 48 of They Say a Girl Died Here

Outside, the sky streaked bloodred, the dying throes of the day, and shone back at her, reflected in Jezebel’s dark, pained eyes. She touched the rough hide of the exhausted animal, the body heat carrying her pungent scent until it filled Anna’s lungs, and thought of the life struggling to get out and how whether she liked it or not that was on her now. It made everything else in the day so meaningless. A life desperate to come into the world. Maybe something she could save.

“I mean, I’ll show you a couple of YouTube videos, if that helps?” Melissa said, holding up her phone. “I’ve got one ready.”

They stared at each other and both grinned at the absurdity, Anna’s heart racing.

“Okay,” she said, planting her Converse firmly on the filthy floor. “Show me what I’ve got to do and then let’s get this baby out.”

It was hard and hot work, but as Jezebel, maybe realizing she was no longer alone in the task, pushed harder, it became clear that thankfully the calf wasn’t in full breech but only one front leg was in the wrong position.

When the sun set, Melissa turned on the pale barn lights and added the beam of her heavy flashlight, but by then Anna was stronger in her push-and-pull, trusting the mother and calf to work with her. She’d taken her T-shirt off to scrub herself clean before she’d started and her skin was now slick with sweat, her bra soaking as she once more reached her greased arm into the soft, hot wetness of the cow. Jezebel’s moans and grunts had faded, exhaustion overwhelming her, and just when Anna had thought they were nearly there, the cow had chosen to lie down, her legs no longer able to hold her up. Anna hadn’t needed Melissa to tell her they were running out of time.

Anna concentrated harder as her hand worked to manipulate the calf. She knew what she was feeling inside now, the baby taking shape in her mind’s eye as her fingers sketched it out. She talked Melissa through everything she was touching and then carefully pushed the calf, eager to get out, farther back into the cow so she could grip the leg that wasn’t in the right position and pull it alongside the other.

She swore and grunted and battled on her knees in the mucus and blood and shit but didn’t once think about the thing or dead girls or anything other than what she was doing in that moment. Mindfulness could go fuck itself, she thought as she felt the leg finally and carefully ease into position. Birthing cows was where it was at.

She twisted her head to look and gasped. She could see the feet or hooves, or whatever they were called, glistening. “It’s coming!” she said. “I think we’ve done it!” As if in agreement, Jezebel’s abdomen contracted, and the feet pulsed a little farther out. There was something else. Her heart leaped.

“I can see its tongue and nose! Right between the legs where it should be!” She started to laugh, the sound coming in joyful fits as tears pricked her eyes. “Come on, Jezebel. You can do it. We can do it!”

Melissa started laughing too, hurrying alongside Anna, and they grabbed one small hoof each, and as Jezebel contracted, they pulled, the three working in unison. Within two or three pulls the hardest was done, and nature and gravity took over. The calf, slick and wet, slid out, slopping onto the stall floor.

As Jezebel turned herself around to lick her baby clean, Anna and Melissa sat back on their hands, panting. It was good. For the first time in a long time, Anna felt really fucking good.

56

“Amazing. A new life, just like that. Jezebel did good.” Anna’s whole body ached, physical exhaustion in every fiber, but as she smoked she felt calmer than she’d been in a long time. They were sitting on the open cargo bed of Melissa’s pickup while Anna’s scooter charged, the farm lights making the night less oppressive. They hadn’t talked any more about Lucas or the girls, and Anna was fine with that. The murders lay heavy enough over the town, and it was good to shuck them off and breathe for a while.

“She did. But man, don’t you find it all weird?”

“Birth?” Anna looked over at her. “You’re a farmer.”

“Not that birth. My own. Knowing I came out of my mom’s vagina.” She smiled, wicked. “Her actual vagina. Gross, huh?”

“Jesus, spoil the moment.” Anna laughed. “I mean, wow.”

“Slid right out of her flaps.” Melissa snorted and Anna shoved her.

“Enough already!” It was gross. But also weird to think that Mom had pushed and strained and probably tore and bled like Jezebel to bring Anna into the world. She’d probably loved her instantly like the cow had too. Mom had fed her and wiped her shit and lost sleep for her. And Grandma had done it to Mom before her. Maybe that’s why women had such fraught relationships with their mothers. All that pain and sacrifice and love mashed up together. The invisible umbilical cord connecting them more closely than any physical one ever had. Maybe that’s why fathers found it easier to either adore or leave their children. They hadn’t been part of all that bloody mess.

“You know, my little sister started her period when we were here. She was so upset. It’s hard to imagine that one day she’ll have kids of her own, probably. Right now, she’s so innocent. I don’t think she’s even kissed a boy yet. I’m only ten years older than her and I can’t remember how that feels. Everything being a mystery. All the things she wants. That she doesn’t understand.” She blew out a stream of smoke. “I don’t know how to keep her safe from it.”

“You okay?” Melissa asked.

“No,” she said after a breath. “If I’m honest, I don’t think I am.” Up ahead, the thick field of corn rustled in the night breeze. It was soothing. “I thought there was blood in our basement, but it was just my imagination. I thought maybe Lila and Bonnie were killed there.”

“Wow.” Melissa looked at her. “I get me overthinking it, but you don’t need to.”

“I promised Jamie. I keep seeing him in that pool. And in my dreams. But maybe my brain is fucked. Mom wants me to go back to therapy.”

“Back to?”

“But I had a good moment earlier today,” Anna said softly, ignoring the question and thinking of how she’d screamed into nature and nature let her listen back. “And I think I finally understood it.”

“Understood what?”

“What you love about being out here. The land. The good and bad of it.” She shrugged. “It’s real, you know. And kind of beautiful.” She drew on her cigarette and Melissa hugged her so suddenly and tightly that she coughed out smoke in surprise. “Dude.”

“I knew you’d see it. I knew it.” Her eyes were glistening. Anna had figured Melissa was so tough she’d never cried a day in her life, and yet this was tipping her into it. “I’m glad.” She let Anna go and sniffed, wiping her nose on her arm. “Since we’re sharing, if I’m honest, Lila wasn’t a great friend. Maybe I shouldn’t say this when it’s the anniversary of her murder tomorrow. Six years, man. I can’t believe it. But she wasn’t a great friend. Not to me, anyway. It was an unbalanced dynamic, I guess. She didn’t get it. She didn’t get me. Or this town. I couldn’t believe it when she told me their plan to leave. Totally blindsided me. And then she was gone. I loved her, but she wasn’t a good friend to me.”