Page 31 of Drowning in Darkness

I disconnect the call before I end up listening to noises no sister should hear her brother make. Another reason I can’t live with them.

I stand and move to the window in time to see Camryn striding down the path and looking over her shoulder up at me.

She really is an excellent agent, but is she a good woman for James? I know I’m not. Who would want me? The ugly thoughts tangle in my mind, the ones telling me I deserved it, that men won’t want me now I’ve been tainted. Who would want such a damaged woman who tried to take the easy way out?

Certainly not a man who has women falling at his feet with one look. Definitely not a man who has seen me at my worst. Absolutely not a man who is so far off-limits, we may as well be on a different planet.

Not James. Never James.

Then why is he the only face I see when I close my eyes and will myself to dream of a future filled with light and hope?

Why is it him that makes my heart race with excitement, not fear?

And why does the darkness that’s lived inside of me for so long find a place in his eyes, like he could handle all of me? Every salacious thought. Every wicked desire. Every fantasy that’s filled my mind.

Why, when I put him into those fantasies, do they no longer induce shame but hunger?

That’s what I am.

Ravenous for a man I can’t have.

TWELVE

JAMES

Every mistake I’ve ever regretted started with ignoring a feeling I couldn’t explain.

I close the front door quietly, leaving the girl I removed from the cult in Louise’s capable hands. The woman has an innate ability to settle even the most terrified of victims, and she uses it to help take the weight of their pain as they wrestle with the demons and nightmares that lie ahead. It’s going to take more than a shower and a change of clothes to recover from what she’s endured, but each life I steal from the clutches of the organization designed to make people disappear brings me a small amount of peace. It also keeps my mind occupied, not that my thoughts stray far from the off-limits woman who has my attention.

Grabbing the laptop, I balance it on the passenger seat and flick open the cameras my sister hacked. I tell myself it’s for her protection, but in reality, I’m getting my Stephanie fix from afar. It’s been nine days since I saw her face that wasn’t through the lens of a camera. Nine days I’ve been tracking Christopher for any sign he’s lost interest in her. Newsflash: he’s not.

Sometimes, when he isn’t truly taken with a woman, he’ll let them go and move on to someone easier. Alternatively, when he’s invested, the harder they are to catch, the more feral he gets. I should have known Stephanie would fall into the latter.

He hasn’t approached me for help, which means he knows exactly who she is and how I’d shut him down. If I stepped down or was taken out, he would be the top candidate for taking over the organization, which makes him a top FBI target. We have to cut down all those capable of leading it before we finally smash it to pieces. I can’t wait to set fire to the world Jonathan created, and I fully expect to be destroyed in the process. It’s more than I deserve.

Stephanie breezes through the living room and into the kitchen. I turn on the sound even though it’s a sweet torture to hear her. Her infectious laughter is the first thing I hear. I want to be the one making her feel that way. How she shines with the force of a thousand stars when she’s being stalked by a monster is a miracle. All four agents are gathered on the sofas as she reappears with a tray of steaming mugs and a plate of cakes.

Nurturing, sweet, good—the opposite of myself.

I am not obsessed. I simply know where she is, what she’s doing, who she’s talking to, and whether she’s eaten today.

Dropping in to check on her discreetly has to be enough. What will I do when she returns to her normal life? I’ll have to move on. My chest tightens, and I bang my head against the headrest. I’m an addict now, and it’s going to be brutal going through the detox.

A fifth guy moves into the room, and I lean forward. Who the fuck is that? None of the agents seem concerned, meaning he’s meant to be there.

My phone is in my hands before I can talk myself out of it.

Me: Who is the fifth wheel?

Camryn’s eyes flick to the camera and then down to her phone.

Camryn: Stop stalking me.

My lips twitch.

Me: Stalking? A gentle oversight at most. Answer the question.

Camryn: He’s Declan Reid, the appointed Executive Assistant Director. My boss.