Page 48 of Drowning in Darkness

“He has done bad things,” she starts, then twists her lips as if she’s trying to think how to explain a complicated man in a few short words. “But every person he’s got out has a consistent opinion of him. He protected them where he could, avoided pain and abuse, and found creative ways to make the rest of them believe he’d done what he had to prove his loyalty.”

My chest tightens as she confirms what I already know deep down. He is at his core a good man caught in dangerous circumstances.

“That said,” she continues, “he has murdered people.”

“Who?”

“The ones we know of were men who overstepped or threatened the entire operation with reckless actions.”

“So, not the victims?”

She glances at me before refocusing on the road. “Murder isn’t acceptable in our society, no matter the deeds committed.”

The words feel practised, but I watched him murder men who got nothing less than they deserved. If there were more justice like that in the world, then perhaps they would think twice before taking that which isn’t freely offered.

“Sometimes you have to accept bad things happen to bad people, but in my opinion, not enough,” I mutter as I grab a bag of jelly candies and offer her some. She takes a handful and pops a few into her mouth. Look at me being an excellent passenger princess in charge of snacks and interesting conversation.

“I fear more and more that you are right,” she says after some time. “But as a woman, I feel it’s important to warn you about the man you idolize.”

“I don’t idolize him.” The denial escapes before I’ve thought it through.

Camryn’s lips twitch. “Really? Then how did you know his number off by heart when I asked you to message him?”

Touché. I huff. “Having a good memory is not an indicator of affection.”

“You’ve risked more for him than most people would risk for family.”

“He’s family.”

“He’s your brother’s girlfriend’s brother.”

“Family.”

“Just because fate put him in your path and the two of you bonded over something dark and traumatic doesn’t make him the right man for you.”

The darkness beyond the windshield swallows the landscape, leaving only the tunnel of headlights stretching ahead of us. I fold my arms and stare at the shadows sliding past while I try to untangle feelings I never intended to have.

“I might not know him well, but I think he’s torturing himself.”

“You have no idea how right you are.”

I want to pick apart that statement, to understand him on a deeper level.

He risked coming to pluck me from my new life and interrupting the FBI’s operation. One doesn’t do that unless they care on some fundamental level about you. I know the man who walks into danger every damn time. I know the man who had countless opportunities to not choose me.

The problem is that every version of James exists alongside another. The man who saved me. The man who kills. The man who protects. The man everyone fears.

Sometimes I struggle to reconcile them into a single person.

“Do you trust him?” I ask.

Camryn taps her thumbs on the steering wheel as she takes her time answering. “With my life.”

The certainty in her voice catches me off guard. “But not with your heart?”

Her gaze flicks toward me before returning to the road. “Nobody should be trusted with that.”

“That’s not what I asked.”