Page 64 of Beautiful When He Breaks

Luca’s brows lift. “Meaning?”

“Meaning maybe it’s not men. Maybe it’s him.” The words feel strange in my mouth, but also weirdly true. “I can’t look at some random guy and feel what I feel looking at him. I’m not suddenly checking out every man who walks by. It’s Julian.”

Luca considers that for a moment. “That happens.”

I frown. “What does that mean?”

“It means sexuality isn’t always neat,” he says. “Some people know exactly what they are from the jump. Some people don’t. Some people are generally one thing until one specific person makes the labels feel too small or too rigid.” He shrugs one shoulder. “You don’t have to solve your entire orientation in one night just because you want one man.”

That relieves me enough that I almost sag. “Okay.”

He points at me immediately. “Do not misunderstand me. I’m not saying you should panic less because you could still somehow be straight.”

“I know.”

“Good.” He relaxes back against the headboard again. “I’m saying you can let this be about Julian without forcing yourself into an identity dissertation before you’re ready.”

I sit with that for a second. It helps, which I hate because it means he’s being useful and the Bi Godmother title is starting to feel less stupid than it should.

“What do I do?” I ask eventually.

Luca smiles a little at that. “Now we’re getting somewhere.” He folds his arms over his chest and looks at me for a long moment before answering. “First, you stop treating yourself like you committed a crime just because you want him. That’s step one. Step two: you decide whether this is something you need to understand privately first or something you’re ready to test in real life.”

The words make my pulse jump. “Test in real life sounds scary.”

He chuckles. “It means, do you want to sit with your feelings and figure them out quietly first, or are you at the point where you want to actually let yourself notice what’s happening between you two and see if it goes anywhere?”

I stare at him. “You think something’s already happening between us?”

Luca gives me a look so dry it could preserve food. “Eli. Please.”

My whole face heats again. “That is not an answer.”

“Yes, it is. You just don’t like it.” He leans forward a little. “Do I think Julian’s been in love with you forever? Yeah. Did I think you were both going to keep being idiots until one of you got hit by a bus? Also, yeah. Did Mila and your entire life exploding speed some of this up? Definitely.”

I blink at him, my mind snagging on a few choice words. “You think he’s been what?”

Luca just stares.

“Luca.”

He exhales through his nose. “I’m not saying he’s waiting on your porch with a ring and a sonnet, but come on. You cannot possibly be that blind.”

I sit there in silence because my brain has temporarily ceased functioning in any useful capacity. Julian. In love with me. The words don’t fit anywhere neatly. They crash into the rest of my confusion, making it all brighter and more dangerous.

When I finally manage to speak, my voice is rough. “Why wouldn’t he say anything?”

Luca’s expression softens in a way that somehow makes this worse. “Because of how you were raised? Because he’s got his own shit? You’ve been best friends forever, Eli. Why would he ruin that for a chance that you might feel the same way about him?”

I look down at the floor, feeling abruptly unsteady. “If that’s true, I’ve been awful.”

“You were hurt,” Luca says. “And yeah, sometimes also awful.”

“That doesn’t help.”

“It’s not supposed to help. It’s supposed to be honest.”

I scrub both hands over my face and let out a long breath. “So, what, I just walk into his room tomorrow and say, ‘Surprise, I might be into you, and also maybe men, and also I’m sorry for all of time?’”