Page 41 of Songs for Libby

“Oh, honey. No one could doubt that for a minute. It hurts though, doesn’t it? Loving someone that much?”

Tear after tear coursed down my face, dripping from my chin. “Yeah.”

“So you just leave him to me. He’s gonna get some tough mom love, and he and I will both be happier knowing that you’re taking care of yourself.”

I pinched my eyes shut, more of my endless tears squeezing out. “I feel so selfish,” I admitted in a bare whisper.

“No, honey. This is the bravest thing you could do. Take it from someone who’s been there. There’s nothing worse than resenting someone because you loved them too much to let them fail.”

I didn’t respond. My sobs had choked off my ability to speak.

“Go be happy, Libby. That’s an order. I love you.” And with that she hung up and I let the phone slip from my fingers.

I sat on my floor for a long time. I didn’t remember sitting down in the middle of my entryway, but that’s where I had ended up. And that’s where I stayed as my brain made an attempt to process my new reality. I should be skipping around yelling, “I’m free! I’m free!” But instead I was just alone. I thought about going to my piano and playing, but even that held no appeal. I needed someone.

I needed my dad. I needed him desperately enough that I peeled myself off the floor and forced back my tears enough that I could drive.

The ten-minute trip to his house was done in survival mode as I held the pieces of my heart together until I could get to him.

My knocking was frantic and the second the door opened, I broke down crying.

He reached out to me with a panicked you’re-crying-and-I-don’t-know-what-to-do face. “Libby. What’s wrong?”

“I can’t take care of him anymore. I can’t do it.”

“Okay,” he said as he tentatively wrapped his arms around me. “That’s okay. That’s good.”

“You don’t even know who I’m talking about,” I wailed.

“You’re talking about Sean, Sweet Pea. I know better than anyone how much you’ve taken care of him. Of course it’s Sean.” He pressed me to his chest, holding me together so I didn’t have to do it on my own.

“What if he’s not okay? He almost killed himself.”

“But he didn’t, right?”

I shook my head. “He hadn’t even woken up when I left. I just left him there in the hospital with no one.”

“You did the best you could for as long as you could. What happens next isn’t up to you.”

“I used to be so mad at Debbie. I blamed her for walking away. I thought she did it to punish Sean, but that wasn’t it. That wasn’t it at all. She just had to save herself.”

“Come in, Sweet Pea. It’s going to be okay.”

We sat in his living room and I cried into his chest.

I ended up sleeping on his couch, unwilling to go home to my lonely apartment.