Page 92 of Songs for Libby

CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

Naomi picked up on the fourth ring. “Hey, Libs.”

“I kissed him!” I confessed without preamble.

“Good for you!” She sounded so excited.

“No, not good for me,” I argued. “Bad for me. Very, very bad.”

“Why?”

“Because!” Did she not see all of the problems with this??

“You’re going to have to do better than that, Libby. He adores you and you’re falling for him. What’s the problem?”

“It’s been less than six months! Moving on with another man would be a huge betrayal.”

My own words seemed to echo back at me for a moment before she responded. “I can understand how it would feel that way. But you’re not tossing Jonas aside. You’re never going to not love Jonas, Libby. So if you’re ever going to be with anyone else, you’ll need to figure out a way to make room for both.”

I scoffed at her simplistic suggestion.

“I know,” she conceded. “Saying it and doing it are very different. And I’m not going to pretend that I have any comprehension of how difficult that will be.”

I stared up at the sky, trying not to wallow in the bitterness of my widowhood.

“So,” she continued. “If we make the assumption that it could easily feel like betrayal no matter how long it’s been, can you tell me the other problems?” She sounded so maddeningly reasonable.

I shut my eyes for just a moment and breathed deep, trying to mentally store away that huge boulder of an issue before putting my other fears into words. “You know how messy relationships are. You know how they can destroy friendships. Sean is my lifeline right now, and if I screw things up with him, I will have no one.”

She was quiet for too long before saying softly, “You’d still have me.”

I winced, realizing I’d hurt her. “I know I would, Nae. You’ve always been there for me. But you know what I mean, right?”

“Yeah, I do. He’s there with you in person, and I know you need that.”

“I really do.”

“But he could be there for you even more fully if you let him in.”

I shook my head in frustration. “He’s not just an average guy, Nae.”

“I know that. He’s your best friend. That’s a point in his favor, not against. Everyone has flaws. You know about his upfront.”

“I’m not strong like I used to be.” What if I couldn’t handle Sean’s life this time around?

“You’re right. You’re stronger. Because that’s what life does to us. It throws obstacles in our way and when we get past them, we’re that much stronger than we were before.”

I rolled my eyes. Naomi the shrink. “Sure. Objectively, I agree. But that’s certainly not what it feels like.”

“I know.”

We sat in silence for several moments.

“So then,” she continued hesitantly, “why did you kiss him?”

A deep sigh escaped me. “Because I’m a mess.”

“It’s okay to be a mess sometimes.”