Page 104 of When We Were Young

We don’t say a word the entire trip to the lake, and I’m wondering if that’s a bad sign, an omen of how this is going to go.

When we get there, I grab a blanket from the back of my car in case she wants to sit close to the water. I see her glance at it, and something flashes in her eyes.

“I carry it here in case I ever get stranded in the cold. You’re supposed to do that,” I explain.

“It’s fine,” she whispers.

I decide to test the waters.

“Did your mind go to thinking I had it in here for moments like this with other people?”

She casts her gaze downward and responds with a subtle nod.

“That’s not why. I promise.”

“Okay.”

We walk to a spot by the water and find a flat place close enough that we can see the lake, but not so close that the mosquitoes will be at their worst.

I sit with my legs extended, my palms flat on the ground just behind my shoulders to hold me upright. Lizette has her knees pulled to her chest and her arms wrapped around them. She smooths her palms over her jeans once before clasping her hands tighter around her legs.

She looks vulnerable, biting at her lower lip, her eyes hooded.

I hate that she’s worried.

“Do you want to say anything before I tell you my stuff? Maybe tell me what you’ve heard about me?”

Damn, that’s hard to ask.

She doesn’t answer immediately, but then, to her credit, she lifts her head and looks me in the eye.

“I’ve heard that you’re a playboy. Also, that you get around a lot and that you never see somebody more than three times, even if you like them. That’s weird, by the way. I’ve heard that...” She stares off toward the water. “I’ve just heard that it’s a lot.”

I blow out a breath. Here goes.

“I guess that’s a starting point then. I’m gonna tell you how I’ve been, but then I want a chance to tell you why before you make me take you home.”

“Oh, great. That doesn’t make me less worried about how bad it’s going to be.” She turns to look at me. “You don’t have to tell me this. I’m not sure what my reaction will be. I don’t know if it’s something I’ll be able to cope with, so if you don’t want to take that chance, I get it.”

It’s an out. One I would love to take but can’t. Not if I want this.

“I told you I’m going to fight for us now, and I meant it. The first battle is probably going to be one of the most difficult, but I’m not backing down. If there’s any hope for a second chance and you need to know details of my past to be comfortable, then I think I should lay it out there in the open.”

“Yeah. You’re probably right.”

“One more thing. I swear to you, if we were together, there would never be anyone else. Not ever. I promise.”

She nods slowly. “I don’t trust easily. I struggle when things are out of my control, so I think I need to know.”

“Okay. Yes, I have a reputation as a man who’s not looking for commitment and is fine just hooking up with a woman. It’s not nearly as much as everybody thinks, and not for the reasons they assume, but there have been several times in the last ten years. “

I watch her face, trying to gauge what she’s thinking, but she’s holding her cards close to her chest now, and I can’t tell.

“Go on,” she says, softly.

“It only ever happened when I was really hurting and needed to escape the feelings for a little while. It was mostly when I was out of town working with our West Coast log home division.”

A single tear slips from her eye and trails down her cheek. It pains me more to see it than if she were outright sobbing. I suspect she’s holding in all that she’s feeling, and this is the lone evidence of how hard that likely is.