Page 171 of Challenge Me

“I don’t understand.”

“If we go on vacation, they’ll know every detail. If you go to the World Series again, they’ll want to know how I feel about it. What if I don’t smile wide enough when you win? God forbid I want to fucking marry you. Everyone will be talking about it.”

His eyes widened, but I waved my hand dismissively.

“My point is that I don’t want to be seen. I don’t want to feel like I’m walking on eggshells every second of my life.” Looking into his dark eyes, I bit my lip to hide the way it trembled. “Not anymore, Amir. I’ve never wanted to leave a legacy. I want to pour drinks, write poetry, and fade into obscurity.”

“We—”

“Don’t say we can figure it out.”

He shook his head, then lifted his chin. “What can I do, then?”

The question felt like a physical weight in my chest. “There’s nothing to do.”

“Remi.” He marched up to me again, this time taking both sides of my face in the way that always made me cave. “Don’t give up on this. I’m not giving up. Whatever it takes.”

It took everything I had, but I pulled his hands away. I could see it then—the truth settling in. He honest to god believed we could figure this out, but with every second, he could see the strength of my conviction.

I made it to the bedroom before he was on me again, just as I was grabbing my bag.

“Don’t walk out that door while I’m trying to fight for you,” he warned.

“Stop.”

“What if I don’t come after you this time?”

“Good.”

“Remi, I’m serious.” Moving to block my path, he touched my chest. “Please.”

“What’s there left to fight for, Amir?”

“You. Me. Us.”

I looked down at the floor. “Just let go.”

“I love you. Is that not enough for you?”

In a perfect world, it would’ve been. As I stared into his eyes, I thought I saw a flicker of hope, not just his but also mine. Faintly, I heard Mal talking in her room. Maybe to herself. Maybe to the cars. It tugged at my resolve, and despite how bad of an idea it was, I nodded.

The light returned to Amir’s eyes, and it made everything worse. He took my bag from me and set it on the floor before he led me back to the kitchen where he got started on cleaning up the mess. I grabbed the broom, wanting to do one good thing for him. It was a pathetic attempt at amends, but I didn’t have anything else.

*****

I finished reading through the letter for the third time and forced myself to fold it in half. Any more times and I’d have to admit that I was stalling.

It was risky, but I leaned down to kiss Amir on the forehead. He let out a small groan and reached for my hand. “Where are you going?”

“For a cigarette. I’ll be back in a minute.”

The lie slid through my teeth too easily. Worse, he believed me. Within seconds, he was breathing evenly again.

My eyes stung as I took one last look.

I would topple dynasties for this man. All my life, I’d longed for the kind of love that made destruction seem sensible. The thing I’d learned about love, though, was that there was value in not allowing it to destroy. Losing it didn’t have to be a bitter or selfish thing. Love could walk into my bar and light me up in a way I’d never known possible, and it could fade away, becoming a distant memory that still had the power to awaken my soul with a single thought.

Maybe I did still have one of those, after all. Whether I’d manage to hold onto it when this was gone was another matter entirely.