Page 65 of My Unfinished Heart

“Now,” I say. “Please.” My voice is shaking, but I can’t wait anymore.

He puts the next condom on me himself with surprisingly deft movements. I would have struggled with the way my entire body is shaking, but he doesn’t. I take my fingers out of him and push at his hips to make him turn around.

I manage the lube while he’s positioning his body over mine, getting the condom slick to the point of dripping. His pretty face hovers above me, and he steals a kiss—another piece of me he’s found and is keeping for himself.

At the risk of repeating myself, I’ve never felt anything like this. I don’t even know what I’m feeling, what words there are for it. I’m cracked open, utterly revealed, and he’s not shying away. He’s digging inside for whatever he can find and take. This kiss as he lowers himself onto me has no precedent or comparable equivalent. It’s a consummation in the truest form of the sentiment. Revelation and ascension into some other, higher, better plane of existence.

We move so slowly, I think I might burst open. As our tongues delve deeper and deeper, he sinks lower and lower, consuming my cock in his wet, tight heat.

“Oh my God,” I somehow whisper with utter awe and disbelief. We just started, and it’s the best sex I’ve ever had.

His arms wrap around my head. His hair lands in silky waves against my cheek. His breath gusts across my mouth.

We move together, a slow rocking motion, locked in the only place I ever want to be again. The murmur of his sighs and moans against my mouth has my body on fire—lit from the burning torch I hold for him. Only. Always. This man. This path. This feeling.

I can’t stop kissing him. Tugging at his lips. Licking them with my tongue. I know we can’t physically be any closer, but the best way to describe it is I feel like there’s a piece of my soul inside him, and I can’t stop trying to draw it back into me. When I kiss him, I connect with it again. I don’t know how long he’s had it, or if it’s always been missing, but it lives inside him now. That much I do know.

When I come, I swear it feels like he just stole another piece.

If this is what happens when I fall for someone, I’m glad I’ve never done it before. There wouldn’t be any of me left.

Clutching him through the surges of pleasure coursing through me, I find his straining dick with my hand. One stroke, and he throbs, spilling onto my stomach and gasping something unintelligible.

I watch as the ecstasy takes his face and turns it into something beyond beautiful. Something only the greatest artists could capture. When his eyes slowly flutter open, and his gaze meets mine, I’m fucking shellshocked.

“That went well, I think,” he says quietly.

I nearly smile, then I kiss him quickly, pulling him against my body. My cock slides out of him, and he stretches his legs between mine, fitting himself against me as he draws out the kiss.

When our breath inevitably runs out, I roll us onto our sides, keeping him close. “Are you okay?” I ask. “Talk to me.”

He doesn’t hold back now any more than he ever has. “I can’t decide if that was the best or worst idea I’ve ever had. I might be freaking out.”

He’s not the only one. As the afterglow burns away faster than it should, and reality settles in again, I find myself way out of my depth. I know what he wants to hear, but there are certain things I don’t even know how to say. As sure as I was that he was safe with me, I’m now equally certain he deserves so much better than someone with a gaping hole inside himself.

I have no experience with anything like love. I have no memories of it.

The emotion I have inside me can’t possibly be love.

Mine is a deep craving. A clawing and scratching thing.

It’s desperation and emptiness.

It’s a grasping at something I lost a long time ago. I made myself stop missing it because missing it was pointless. Missing it didn’t bring it back. Tristan can’t bring it back, either.

Stick to the basics, I tell myself. Don’t break his heart.

I meet his worried eyes and say, “It was perfect.”

“Was it too much? I think I just wanted to be close to you. Would you have rather I stuck with hugging?”

I laugh softly. “No.”

“Really?”

I smile and take another kiss. “Really.”

“Would you maybe…wanna do it again?”