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I beat her to the punch. “You think I’m going to fuck it all up.”
“What? No! Ash, of course not. You’re doing an amazing job with Logan. Everyone knows that.”
“But?”
She shakes her head. “There’s no but.”
“There’s always a but. Besides, I can see it in your eyes.”
“No. No but. You’re right. Not about fucking up—because I think you’re amazing with him and the fact that you worry so much proves that you’re going to keep being amazing. But of course you’re worried about Logan. With what he’s been through, and what you’ve been through, who wouldn’t be?”
“But?”
She sighs, runs a hand through her hair so many times that the short strands end up standing straight up. Somehow, she only looks more adorable. “But I think you’re both right in this situation.”
“Told you there was a but.” I stand up, walk over to the balcony door and push it open. Suddenly the room feels too small, like there’s not enough air. I step out onto the balcony, brace my hands on the guardrail and try to breathe through the chaos inside of me.
“It wasn’t a but,” she insists, following me. “It was an addendum.”
“Same thing. Besides, you said but.”
I’m not looking at her, but I don’t have to be to know she’s rolling her eyes. “Seriously? That’s what you want to argue about right now?”
“I don’t want to argue at all.”
“Me, neither.” Her arms wrap around my waist, and she rests her head in the center of my back—right over where my heart is beating, hard and fast. “You’re going to freeze out here.”
“Nah. It feels good.”
She mutters something under her breath that sounds an awful lot like, dipshit adrenaline junkie. But she doesn’t mention going back in again, just stands there, holding me, until my heart starts to settle and I can breathe again.
“You know, the car accident that killed your parents and paralyzed Logan … it was catastrophic. Absolutely, unbelievably awful and I am so, so sorry that you guys had to go through that. So, so, so sorry, Ash. I need you to know that before I say anything else.
“But when something like that happens, when the whole world falls apart around you, I think it’s very easy to get caught up in the bad. To get stuck in it so that it’s all you see.”
“I’m sorry. Is there some good in this that I’m missing?” I mean to sound sarcastic but the words catch in my throat and I end up sounding pathetic.
Her arms tighten around me and it’s her turn to press kisses between my shoulder blades. “Yes, actually. I think there is. I mean, it’s understandable for you to feel like this. It hasn’t even been a year yet since your parents died. Logan is getting all kinds of PT and OT and he’s nowhere close to being self-sufficient yet. Not that he’s supposed to be—he is only fourteen—but he’s not as self-sufficient as he once was, either.”
“Do you think I care about that? Do you think it matters to me that he can’t get dressed on his own yet? Or that he still has a catheter? That doesn’t matter—”
“Of course it matters! He’s your brother and you hate to see him in pain. Hate to see him lose so much. You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t. But, Ash, there’s a difference between having empathy for someone and having sympathy for them. You can have all the empathy in the world, can want to help Logan however you can, but you can’t feel sorry for him.”
“Of course I feel sorry—”
“No. That’s what I’m saying. You can’t. Because if you feel sorry for him, you make him feel like less than he is. You make him feel like it’s not okay that he’s the way he is.”
“It’s not okay! He was fine and now he’s not. He’s lost his parents—”
“You lost your parents, too.”
Her words are like a fresh slash right through my heart. I feel like I’m bleeding out, even though there’s no wound. “You think I don’t know that? You think I don’t wake up every morning thinking about my mom and dad? About how much I miss them? About how disappointed they’d be in me for the mess I’m making of everything? It’s all I can think about! That and Logan—” I break off.
“Being paralyzed,” Tansy finishes for me.
I nod.
“That’s not going to change, you know.”
