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I’m not sure which of us is more shocked, Anna or me. Either way, we sit there gaping at my mother, mouths flapping like fish out of water, until she rolls her eyes. “I’m not ninety, you know. Nor am I an imbecile. But, geez, surely there’s someplace better to learn about sex than that?”
“Oh, God.” I think my head just exploded.
“Don’t look like that, Tansy. I told you girls a long time ago that you could talk to me about anything—”
“Oh, God!” Anna screeches. “Is this the sex talk? Please tell me this isn’t the sex talk. She’s nineteen. I’m seventeen. We don’t need the sex talk!”
My dad sticks his head in from where he’s pacing in the hallway. “Everything okay in here?”
“Everything’s fine, honey!” my mom tells him. “Go away. We’re having a girl talk.”
He nods, gives me a wink and then disappears back into the hallway.
I sink down lower in my bed, pull the sheet over my head. This is my family and I love them, I really do. But Oh. My. God. If there is one thing I have no intention of talking about—ever—it’s my sexcapades with Ash Lewis in Arpa, Chile.
Beyond the total eew factor of the situation—which is significant—there’s also the whole broken heart situation. Which is ridiculous. It’s not like I didn’t know the rules, not like I didn’t help set them down myself. Because I did. I totally did.
And it’s not like I didn’t know things were going to end when we got back to America. How could they not when I am—literally—the worst person in the world for Ash right now? He’s already got so much to deal with, has already had so much pain in his life. The last thing he needs is a girlfriend who might die at any moment.
I’ve known that all along, and yet here I sit, with a heart that currently feels like it’s been run over by one of those damn snowcats we rode around in Arpa.
Completely flattened, in other words.
“So tell us about Ash,” my sister says into the sudden quiet. “I’ve been dying for the details since you texted me!”
“Yes!” my mom agrees, settling on the bed next to me and wrapping an arm around my shoulder. “All the details, please!”
Somebody shoot me now.
But in the end, I end up spilling about Ash, telling them all about the trip to Chile and the fun I had with him—minus certain, strategic bedroom and patio scenes, of course. My mom might be all into the girl talk, but there are some things that no parent needs to know.
“So, that’s why he carried you off the plane!” my mom squeals, when I get to the end of the story. “The boy is in love with you.”
My blood runs cold at the very idea. “No. He’s not. Weren’t you listening? We were just having fun!”
Anna snorts. “I’ve had fun with a lot of guys—” She breaks off when my mom shoots her the evil eye. “Not that kind of fun, geez, Mom!” She turns back to me. “I’ve hung out with a bunch of guys, Tansy, and they don’t do those things you just described if they aren’t totally gone over a girl.”
“She’s right,” my mom says. “I saw his face when he walked off that plane with you. I was too concerned about your health to spend much time thinking about it at the time, but that boy loves you very much. He’d probably be here right now if your father and I had given him the choice.”
My heart drops to my toes at just the thought. There’s a part of me that’s screaming, “Yes!” That’s having a party and praying that my mom and sister know exactly what they’re talking about. But there’s another part, a bigger part—the part that loves Ash and understands just how much pain he’s in—that prays that isn’t true. He’s been through so much and he deserves so much better than this. So much better than sitting around a hospital waiting for someone else that he loves to die.
“God, I hope that’s not true.”
“Wait—what?” Anna looks totally confused and even my mother seems a little startled by my answer, the satisfied look on her face fading away.
Suddenly, I don’t want to talk anymore. Rolling over, I face the wall, and try not to freak out at the idea that I’ve somehow managed to do what I swore I wouldn’t. That not only have I fallen for Ash, but I’ve let him fall for me.
It’s a terrible thought, one that makes me shudder deep inside. It’s bad enough that I feel like this—my heart torn and bloody and exposed, so exposed. The idea that Ash is going through the same thing after everything he’s already experienced … Just the thought has my stomach roiling and panic clutching in my chest.
I wouldn’t wish the roller coaster of the last decade on anyone, let alone Ash. I’ve already spent too many years watching the people I care about suffer because of this damn disease I just can’t seem to shake. The last thing I want is to condemn Ash to the same fate.
“I bet he’s trying to figure out what hospital you’re in right now,” Anna tells me.
“Absolutely,” my mom agrees, patting my back in a rhythm I know she means to be soothing, but that just feels suffocating instead. “You’re both just a little upset about the situation—and who could blame you? Give him a little time to get his head around all this and he’ll be back. I saw how he looked at you. Feelings like that just don’t go away.”
I know she’s only trying to make me feel better—they both are—but they’re only making it worse. “I’m tired,” I tell them abruptly, uttering the magic words that experience has taught me will shut my family up instantly. “I want to sleep.”
It works like a charm, just like it always does. “Okay, baby,” my mom says, brushing a kiss across my cheek. “We’ll go down and get something to eat. Let you rest. But we won’t leave the hospital, so text if you need us.” She makes sure my phone is charged and within reach.
