Page 55 of An Accidental Elopement

She was glad that she had had a few moments to think the matter over, which meant that she already had several responses ready.

“I like how responsible he is. You would not think it if you do not know him or have only heard the stories about him. But he cares deeply about his estate and his tenants. I even think that the past few weeks that we have been living at Farleigh Cottage have been good for him. He is constantly talking about changes and improvements that he wants to make...” She trailed off and sent Lady Lindley a sheepish look. She had let herself be carried away by the image of an enthusiastic and engaged Archie.

Lady Lindley sent her a small smile.

“Continue,” she said softly.

“I like how caring and attentive he is. Towards his siblings for example. And Lady Granville. He might treat her as if he dislikes her, but it shines through how much he thinks of her.”

“And what about you? Does he care about you? Show you attention?”

“I...” Cecilia blushed as she thought of how attentive he was in the bedroom, always putting her needs first. She would certainly miss that part of their marriage.

“Outside of the bedroom.” Lady Lindley smiled without any judgment.

Cecilia tried to think of a situation where Archie had shown that he cared about her. All she could think of was how uncaring of him it had been to hide Lavinia’s pregnancy from her.

“I suppose that is some of the problem. He was quite caring before we married. We became friends of a sort. I suppose going away with me after I discovered what happened between Flint and Hester was also a sign that he cared about me and my feelings, but...” Cecilia sighed.

“What were you going to say?” Lady Lindley asked after a moment.

Cecilia rubbed her eyes and kept her face hidden in her hands as she spoke.

“I don’t know.” She lowered her hands and looked at Lady Lindley. “I don’t know how to be married to him, which I suppose is the problem. I hate that he will tire of me at some point, that he does not include me in decision-making, that he... that he is always so collected, never rattled by what is happening between us. Every time I’m with him and he is good and caring, I feel I fall for him even more, and he is just... it does not change him to be with me. I am like all the women he has been with up until now, and at some point, he will leave me and find a mistress.”

She briefly remembered his words of partnership that he had uttered before they had first truly been together, but she had come to doubt whether he had even meant those. She started sobbing quietly at the thought that he had deliberately lied to her.

“You cannot know any of that,” Lady Lindley stated calmly, once again taking her hand. “I realize that these are concerns of yours, and I do not want to belittle them, but we cannot live our lives based on what we fear might happen. This might happen or it might not.”

“Then how do I prevent it from happening? Somehow, I cannot be what he wants me to be.”

“What does he want you to be?” Lady Lindley asked.

Cecilia thought about it.

“I suspect someone who does not mettle in his affairs. Not literally, at least not yet but...” She bit her lip again. She could not avoid talking about the baby if she were to receive honest advice from Lady Lindley and she desperately wanted to. The woman had a way of remaining calm and listening to her without offering advice on how to solve her problems, which was soothing and comforting. Cecilia’s mother would have come up with ten different ideas by now on how to keep Archie’s interest.

Calming herself with a deep breath, she looked the other woman in the eye:

“You have to promise not to say this to Millie or the duke,” she told her solemnly.

“I already have,” Lady Lindley stated with a small smile. “What you say to me stays between us.”

Cecilia nodded, then looked at the door, just to be certain that no one was lurking there.

“Archie had an affair with an actress before we married. She is carrying his child. They are trying to find a solution and have been meeting at the inn in the village. He kept it a secret and it just... I was so hurt and angry when I found out,” Cecilia whispered the last words, feeling that they were almost forbidden to say.

She looked expectantly at the countess. She had not shown any sign of being surprised and looked to be merely mulling the matter over.

“You knew?” Cecilia asked horrified. One thing was that Archie had kept it a secret from her, but it felt like being betrayed all over again if others knew as well.

“What? No. I had no idea. I sensed that you were hiding something, and I cannot say that it comes as a shock that a man with Archie’s reputation has sired a child out of wedlock.” She paused for a moment. “Am I understanding you correctly that this is the reason for your falling out?”

“No, it’s...” Cecilia started before she had a chance to think. “Well, before I knew, I thought I could simply take whatever he wanted to give me and hope to protect my heart as much as possible. I thought we were moving in the direction I wanted: With him at least caring for me and me being...”

“What?”

“Being able to keep him satisfied,” she whispered and blushed deeply.