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“So make her listen! Jesus, you’re so afraid of getting rejected that you give up at the first sign of opposition. You need to get in there, show her that you’re going to stick, no matter what.”
“Don’t you get it? I ruined her life. I ruined her fucking life. Why the hell would she want to have anything to do with me?”
“First of all,” Ash tells me, looking more furious than I’ve seen him look in a very long time. “You didn’t ruin her life. Yes, it sucks that her boarding has to be put on hold for a year but it’s not like you deliberately tore her ACL or some shit like that. She got pregnant. And if I’m correctly remembering how these things work, it took two of you to get her that way. Shit happens, man. Running away and beating yourself up over it isn’t going to help the situation and it sure as shit isn’t going to help your relationship with her.”
“We don’t have a relationship. Not anymore. We don’t have anything.”
“That’s not true.”
“It is.”
“It isn’t.” Z claps me on the back, lets his hand stay on my shoulder as he says, “yeah, things aren’t great right now. But don’t you think it’s time you stopped being a puss and did something about that?”
“Way past time,” Ash concurs. “Stop worrying about protecting yourself, stop worrying about her rejecting you—and just go do what she needs you to do.”
“Which is?”
“Be there for her, man. Get in her face and refuse to go away until she lets you in. Show her that you aren’t going away, that you aren’t going to abandon her the way her family did. You aren’t the only one with scars and insecurities around here, dude. On the inside, Cam’s as big a mess as you are. She just hides it better.”
“I know that! Nobody knows Cam better than I do.”
“Then start acting like it,” Z tells me. “Stop whining, put on your big girl panties and go get your woman.”
“You make it sound so easy. It isn’t.”
“Like you want easy? You just did a Switch Quadruple Underflip 1620. If you can do that first try off the mountain, I guaran-fucking-tee you can go get your girl. Cam loves you. You just need to remind her of that fact.”
I stare at them for long seconds, see the exasperation and the affection on their faces as I absorb their words, and wonder if maybe they’re right. Maybe I’ve been so lost in my own shit, my own feelings of inadequacy, that I let it color everything about my relationship with Cam. I know how rough this is for her, know how much she must be hurting, and still I let her push me away—still I turned tail and ran the first time she lashed out at me.
The knowledge hits me like a blow, makes me more ashamed than I’ve ever been in my life. Because Z is right. I am being a total puss. It’s a hard blow to take, especially considering the fact that I’ve always prided myself on being strong enough to face the truth, no matter how bad it was. But maybe I let that color the way I looked at things too. Maybe I was so busy looking for the bad that I forgot about how good things could be.
Oh, I know I’m not as talented as Ash and Z and Cam, no matter what bullshit they try to sell me on. I know that I’ll never be able to stomp a run the way that they can, so effortlessly and perfectly and fucking beautifully. But I’ve got endorsements. I’ve made it to third place on the podium on more than one occasion. I’ve always thought it was because of them, but maybe, just maybe, it was because of me, too. I did just barge a 1620, after all. That has to count for something, right?
I don’t realize I’ve said that last part out loud until Z says, “Damn right it does. A man who can do a 1620 can do fucking anything, right, Ash?”
“Damn straight,” Ash agrees.
“The trick isn’t important,” I tell them, and though they both look absolutely horrified at my words, I know they get what I mean. They’re just as crazy about Ophelia and Tansy as I am about Cam. And right now, no trick, no jump, nothing, matters as much as putting my own shit aside and helping Cam through hers, though. Not as much as being there for her no matter what happens. No matter what she decides. Because this whole being a good partner, being a good dad thing is hella more important than anything I can ever do on a snowboard.
I don’t let myself think about what will happen if she decides not to have the baby. It’s her decision, and I’ll stand by her, even if it kills me—which it might, I acknowledge, even as I start gathering up my shit.
“Hey! Where are you going?” Z asks. “You’ve got another run to barge!”
“I’m taking your advice. I’m putting my big girl panties on and going to get Cam.”
“Of course you are. But you don’t have to do it now, right?” He gestures to the jump. “Don’t you want to nail another 1620 before you go, just to show everyone that it’s not a fluke?”
I just shake my head at him as I start the trek over to my snowmobile. “Some things are more important than snowboarding,” I call to him. “Besides, I’m done trying to prove myself to anyone but Cam.”
Ash lets out a louder whoop than when I nailed that jump and the last thing I see as I pull away is him punching his fist in the air.
Right before Z tackles him.
Chapter 19
Cam
So, we’re doing this. We’re really doing it.
