Page 42 of Last But Not Leashed

“You’re going to get Ethel in trouble with the CDC again.”

“Nonsense. If the CDC didn’t want me poking my nose in their business, they wouldn’t have assigned her to the case. It’s not my fault the CDC has rules against hiring elves.”

“If they have a problem with hiring elves, why’d they hire Ethel?” I asked.

“They’re stupid. They think since she’s only a quarter she won’t eat them. Pussycats, all of them. Ethel’s good at what she does, and she doesn’t attack without solid provocation. The lycanthropy virus makes them feel better about it.”

“But you’re infected with lycanthropy,” I pointed out. “Wouldn’t that make you suitable for CDC hire?”

“I’m also half. Don’t worry your pretty head about it, sugar. I’m a card they only play when they’re out of options. Anyway, I’m sure they’d love to hire me if they have an army of idiots they need to eliminate.”

I worried for the world. “How often do you think the CDC needs someone capable of taking out an entire army?”

“They’ve thought about it a few times, but they don’t like how much I cost.”

“Dare I ask?”

“Well, before Ethel picked you, I was going to make them find a suitable partner for her plus a million for a day’s worth of work. They thought about it, too. Things worked out without my intervention, so I was only paid fifty grand as my retainer fee.”

“Let’s say there was someone who really annoyed me or bothered Ethel, how much to make the problem disappear?”

“Lethally or non-lethally?”

I discarded everything I’d believed about the horrors of a relationship with potential in-laws: I had somehow won the lottery of life with the best—albeit craziest—future mother-in-law on the planet. “Both for sake of budgeting purposes.”

“If I have to leave them alive, I demand a single grandpuppy. The rest is on the house, as I don’t like when people annoy my family.”

“I’m formally notifying you I’m a wolf. As such, I’m an opportunist, and any agreements resulting in children will include a stipulation that any in-laws involved will be required to contribute to said child’s college fund and upbringing fees.”

“You’re going to bleed me dry if I give you an inch, aren’t you?” Ethel’s mother complained. “You’re a brave boy.”

“Or too stupid to climb out the window calmly to avoid giving the impression of running for my life as I don’t want to be eaten by my future mate’s mother.”

“Near future.”

“That’s the idea.”

“We have strict rules about eating family. An elf only eats a family member if they’ve broken the code.”

“I need an instruction manual.”

Ethel’s uncle laughed and plopped down in front of one of the lab stations, getting to work testing my DNA to get a genetics report. “We all do, son.”

“I don’t get why you aren’t afraid. Everyone who isn’t an elf—” Ethel’s mother blinked. “Alan? Test to see if any of those unknown genes include elf.”

“That’s what I was thinking, Missy. If he has a dominant gene in his unknown percentages, he wouldn’t be afraid of you or even your ma.”

“How long will it take to run?”

“Don’t get your panties in a bunch, Missy. Not long, especially if I do a confirmation scan rather than a full diagnostic.”

“Why do you have so much equipment in here anyway?” I asked.

Ethel’s mother laughed. “We’re who the CDC go to when they have a mystery even they can’t solve. I also run a little lab for those who want information without nosy law enforcement knowing about it. Elves are excellent at that line of work. We can tell when bones have been chewed on, hacked apart—you have a mystery dealing with bones, and without fail, we can figure out the truth. Even from a fragment.”

If I read between the lines, not difficult to do with so much evidence around me, I’d landed head first into a legal mess. Had I cared more about the law, I might’ve been disturbed by my conclusions. “Okay, I’m impressed. You’re part of the black market the CDC can’t access?”

“She brought me home a smart one, Alan. I’m so proud.”