Page 16 of Grave Humor

“I’m quite alive, I assure you.”

“You’ve been on ice for probably a thousand years. I don’t think you count as a live guy.”

“Immortality has its perks. However, I am definitely alive.”

“Mortality has its perks, too. Escaping through death is one of them.”

“No, it’s not. Frankly spoken, I forbid it.”

I laughed at Eoghan and his ego. “You’re something else. You can’t stop death. There are limited immortals who can avoid it. Hey, Gordon? How are you holding up in there?”

“I’m quite fine, thank you. This is a pleasant home, although the unpleasant company at your door is tempting. I could have a morning snack and stop them from bothering your neighbors.”

I bet my parents did tempt the vampire. “I won’t tell if you don’t.”

“They’d taste terrible, and I don’t know if I’d be able to purify myself of their taint afterwards.”

Wow. I didn’t like my parents, but the viciousness of Gordon’s rejection startled me.

Eoghan chuckled. “We’ll try not to offend your sense of taste too much. However much they deserve it, we should be courteous guests, which means we can’t rid the world of Anwen’s parents. Now, should they bring harm to her, you should consider putting their blood to better use before I deal with their bodies.”

Men. Then again, as far as most men in my life went, Eoghan and Gordon were somewhat tolerable. I gave it a few days before the town’s single women sniffed out potential marriage material and wealth. Every time a new man came around, the story stayed the same.

She with the best looks and manners won herself a husband and a ticket out of town, leaving everyone else to gossip about her once she was gone. I avoided the men and the gossips, which gave me an even worse reputation.

I finished off my pudding, sighed, and dumped the mixing bowl into the sink. “Unfortunately, killing them is illegal.”

“Only if we do not adhere to specific guidelines,” Eoghan replied with a smug smile. “The CDC courteously explained the rules of legalized murder, the allowed methods, and how a vampire might hunt the night for guilty souls who need to be killed for the safety of others. This era has many guilty souls ripe for the plundering. I must admit I do like how death is typically a private matter now. I do not enjoy public spectacles and drawn-out executions. I’ve witnessed many torturous deaths in my life. Humans can be the cruelest of creatures.”

That I could readily believe. “We’re still cruel. We’re just cruel in different ways now. That said, I think I can live without witnessing a crucifixion. Half a year ago, we had a car accident victim in. We had to stitch him back together because of his family’s religious beliefs. We tried to warn them against an open-casket viewing, but they demanded proof. That was not a good day. There was screaming.”

“The screaming is so annoying. Most scream when they die young. The old understand the rules of life and time, although the ones who go out in great pain will scream. That’s fair enough.” Eoghan wrinkled his nose, and he scowled. “I would not mind the screams of the ones haunting your doorstep.”

I listened. Sure enough, my parents yelled at my door, and their various vices added a hoarse edge to their cursing. “If we ignore them long enough, they’ll go away. They’re not stupid enough to break my door or windows. I’ll call the cops on them, and they hate spending their hooker or drug money on repairs. They probably have some money but want to spend mine first.”

Shrugging, I cleaned the bowl and spoon before putting them away. “It is what it is. You seem to have a decent grasp of modern times so far. What do you need me for? It looks like I’m out of a job, and I like eating.”

“As I said, you’ll assist me with whatever I need to adapt to this era. The CDC is dealing with the matter of my murdered caretaker, who was the last of a long, proud lineage. Vengeance will be acquired, and that director will find justice to be painful at best.”

“He’ll probably scream,” I warned the scream-disliking annoyance.

“I can accept his screams. I might even enjoy them.”

I gave it a week before Eoghan changed his mind about brutal public executions. “Should I be concerned?”

“Only if you care about his long-term survival. He won’t last for more than a few minutes in my hands, despite my inclination to crucify him in a rather gruesome manner.”

“Please don’t crucify Director Hammel.”

“He deserves such a fate.” Eoghan sighed. “How else should he die?”

“Don’t kill him. Force him into life-long community service instead. He’d hate having to work for the sake of others without being able to charge them an arm and a leg for it. He price-gouged the families of the dead because he could.”

“How despicable of him. He would have been compensated well for the storage of my body. I become quite cranky when I have to rebuild my mortal form. It takes months, sometimes years. The dead do not appreciate when I’m grouchy.”

“You might say he has a rather grave sense of humor fresh from his dirt nap,” Gordon contributed from the other room.

“I do not know why I like you, vampire.”