Page 27 of Grave Humor

From banking to general investing to even patent licensing, Eoghan’s empire had a little of everything.

It might take me an entire lifetime to make sense of it all.

Lucky antique bastard. No wonder he’d come out of the freezer as an arrogant asshole. He had expected to step into a world of luxury straight from his lengthy nap.

With no other excuse to delay, I dug out the employment terms the CDC had drawn up for Eoghan, wondering what sort of fresh hell waited for me—and what sort of pay I’d receive. In truth, the ten percent I’d skim just from managing the people managing his money would last me an entire lifetime after one or two years, assuming they didn’t screw the pooch on whatever they did to earn him money.

According to the front sheet, I would get full health insurance, my entire premiums paid for by him and offered through the CDC, which would give me the best of the best. No doctor’s office refused CDC coverage, and I’d be able to get any treatments necessary to keep me alive—and I’d never pay for any of it.

With the CDC, complete coverage meant just that.

I considered setting up a shrine to every damned divine I could think of to thank them for my change of fortunes.

“Did you sell your soul to get this insurance plan?” I demanded, smacking my hand onto the paper. I couldn’t comprehend my actual base salary, which was more than seven times what I’d been paid at the funeral home before bonuses. I’d gone from the lowest of the low to competing with the wealthiest in town. One part of me wanted to jump Eoghan right then and there, although I blamed his suit for that general reaction.

Even without the year-end bonus and the ten percent from his account growth and new ventures, I could buy honey rocks whenever I wanted, and I wouldn’t worry if they’d be the reason I starved before my next paycheck.

Mhmm. Honey rocks. A pair of them, just for me. I added a trip to the grocery store to my list of things I needed to do. I’d even get four honey rocks, and I’d give one to Eoghan and share the other with Gordon, which would give me two honey rocks plus one with a few bite marks taken out of it.

I’d even one up the honey rocks and get a few kiwis, too.

Somehow, I kept from licking my lips.

Eoghan grunted. “No, I merely informed them I couldn’t give them the knowledge they wanted if I needed to spend my time worrying about your health. This was their solution to that problem. I commented you were willing to threaten your health because of financial concerns, and I found that to be reprehensible at best. I also mentioned that you are the kind to willingly cut open your wrist for the sake of a captive vampire, so I recommended Gordon be cared for as well, and that I would pay for his health plan as needed. I’ve been told it’s harder for a solo vampire to make a good living in this era. I find it interesting vampires tend to have large family groups, much like how wolves live and hunt in packs. Now that I have had time to think about it, I find it very gratifying this era belongs to the lycanthropes, though.”

Eoghan liked lycanthropes? He hadn’t before. “Huh. There’s a lot of prejudices against lycanthropes, although I like them. There’s a lot to be said about the benefits of the infection. It doesn’t hurt I really like dogs.” I referred to the file of agreements on the laptop. “You’re only paying a hundred a month for full coverage for us and for Gordon. You’re getting away with highway robbery.”

“I have been told the hundred a month will cover administrative fees, as any incidents and care require CDC employees to make certain everything goes smoothly. Your hospital trip, for example, required several hours of someone handling the paperwork. I thought this was fair, although I am unclear still on how much these handlers are paid. Money does not work the same way now as it did when I was last awake. Coin did exist, but the poor bartered more often than not—and most were poor.”

“But you weren’t.”

“I discovered the value of silver, gold, and some other precious things early, and I founded my wealth on those. I learned to trade where these things were rare, and that began my empire. My caretakers continued my empire. The last time I awoke, I still had much of these things left.”

I searched the computer for gemstones and precious metals, and several files came up, which supported his claim. According to one of the documents, he owned numerous mines—and the caretaker had meticulously detailed workers’ rights to make them as safe as possible.

It amazed me that Eoghan’s ethics had survived centuries without his presence reinforcing his wishes.

Damn. I could get away with calling him arrogant, but the asshole part of my favored nickname for him lost a lot of steam when I considered the foundations of his wealth and how he liked to operate.

Argh. How could I make use of my favorite barb if the arrogant asshole refused to be an asshole? How unfair. Worse, it made me want to take him to bed even more than before.

His bad boy appeal partnered with seeming like a good person in general did terrible things for my peace of mind. I needed a cold shower, but focusing on work would do in the meantime. “It does seem like you own a lot of mines and things like that. It’s going to take a lot of time to figure all of this out.”

“And I still need to acquire a proper phone for you. Have you taken your remedies?”

I’d taken everything but the pixie dust, as I hadn’t wanted to be impaired while trying to figure out the rest of my life. “I’m good there, but I’ll bring the bottles in case we’re out longer than I expect. I’ll take the pixie dust with dinner so I can sleep tonight.”

“Excellent. Tell me. Do you drive?”

“Do I? No. Can I? Yes. That’s the one thing my dipshit parents hadn’t screwed up. I’m licensed. I just can’t afford a car.” It took forty minutes to walk to work, and luckily for me, the town’s bus had a stop near the house and another near the funeral home for the rainy days.

“You can afford a car now. More accurately, I can afford a car, which I will purchase for you. Cars are much more comfortable than wagons, chariots, or even carriages. I will use my card to purchase a nice one, although you will have to help me judge what a nice one is. Now, if you want to know what a good horse is, I can help you with that. But your cars have an unfortunate lack of horses.”

When he found out engines were rated by their horsepower, I bet he’d have a fit. “We’ll have to head over to a different town for that. There are no car dealerships here. Well, none that you want a vehicle from. The town’s mechanic fixes up the junkers so they can last a little longer, but they’re pieces of shit.”

“I do not wish to handle any shit.”

I giggled. “Neither do I. Will Gordon be fine on his own?”