Page 5 of Grave Humor

Damn. I needed to either reward my mouth or gag myself. I couldn’t tell which.

“I think you’ll find me pleasantly experienced.” John Doe released me, taking a single step away from me. “By all means, do your work, Miss Maid. It would be rude of me to jeopardize your livelihood when you’re too entertaining to kill.”

I rubbed at my throat and glared at all six feet plus of male perfection. Whoever had picked his funerary attire had done him justice, and his dark hair and bronzed skin brought out the icy blue of his eyes. “Do you have a name, or should I just call you Mr. Arrogant Asshole?”

“I’ll tell you my name under one condition. Pray tell, what exactly do you mean by hookers and blow?”

I laughed myself hoarse. “Prostitutes,” I gasped. “Cheap prostitutes on the street for a public—”

“Public?!”

Tears streamed down my cheeks, and I sank to the floor, unable to quell my giggles. “Maybe in your car. When you expired the first time, did cars even exist?”

“I am unfamiliar with cars, although thanks to the nature of my slumber, I have heard the term before. I assure you, Miss Nash, I only take my women willing, nor do I pay for one’s company. By the time I’m finished with you, I promise you’ll be begging for the honor of my company in your bed. After centuries of listening to men talk while preparing bodies, you count as a jewel among rubbish. Such fine entertainment only comes along every few hundred years or so, and I’ve been waiting far longer than that for a chance like this.”

A chance like what? I considered his situation, which involved him listening to the world around him for countless years. I would be grumpy and irritable—and possibly arrogant as hell—if I had suffered through that, too. Fortunately for me, I’d kept quiet while down in the preparation and refrigeration rooms, so he likely had no idea I’d existed until now.

What was he up to, though? Why would he be interested in me? Whatever. I dodged death for a while, and that would be good enough for me. “Is that a threat or a promise?” I asked, unable to fully suppress my curiosity.

“It’s both.”

Two

Please don’t scream.

Mr. Arrogant Asshole watched me work with a smug smile. I took my irritation out on my cleaning, hissing curses between clenched teeth. Someone had left the preparation room a mess, and one of the industrial-sized drums of formalin, the stabilized formaldehyde solution we used to preserve various bits of our deceased guests, had leaked. In time, the fumes might kill us both, but if I turned the ventilator fans to max power, closed the drum, and stayed away from the preparation room for a while, we’d be fine. But first, I needed to check why the preservative wasn’t where it belonged.

I opened it to discover a damned good reason it had sprung a leak.

Someone had decided to store a body inside.

I broke every rule in the funeral home, screamed like I meant it, and bolted for the stairwell.

A split-second later, Mr. Arrogant Asshole hooked his arm around my waist, jerked me to him, and clapped his hand over my mouth. “Please don’t scream. I find the sound so grating. What seems to be the problem, Miss Nash? Surely it’s not been the first time you’ve seen a body.” He leaned around me, wrinkling his nose as he considered the victim. With a shrug, he stepped away from the drum and dragged me with him. “Try this again, but with no screaming this time.”

He eased his hand off my mouth.

Okay. I could handle the situation like an adult. It wouldn’t take much to remember screaming really tripped the asshole’s trigger. “The bodies aren’t supposed to go in there. I didn’t even think one would fit. That’s a pretty toxic preservative, and the fumes can get dangerous. We keep it in a somewhat stable solution, but it can still kill you in a hurry if you’re not careful. The drums are supposed to be sealed, and we usually work with masks when dealing with the formaldehyde. The health inspectors get really picky about the safe handling of the bodies.”

“Very well. That’s a legitimate reason for your reaction. Scream as much as needed, but only this once. Or until the next time there’s a legitimate reason for such a reaction, I suppose.”

If I pushed hard enough, could I make two bodies fit inside the drum? “I’m done screaming, but thank you. I wouldn’t want to offend your delicate sensibilities again, Mr. Arrogant Asshole.”

“My name is Eoghan Olin, Miss Nash.”

My brows shot up at his rather unusual name. The slight intonation distinguished it from the more American Owen, although if I hadn’t been paying attention, I might not have caught the slight difference in pronunciation in the middle. If I wanted to avoid tripping over my tongue while saying his name, I’d have to take care.

Whatever. I’d deal with his name properly despite my inherent dislike of the man. Well, somewhat dislike for him. I wouldn’t mind if he stuck around, thus allowing me to admire him as long as he learned to stay quiet so he wouldn’t annoy me.

Who knew? I liked tall men with dark hair and blue eyes. There weren’t a lot of them in Sunset, with the townsfolk mostly consisting of pale hair colors and the occasional red head, with my dark brunette another mark against me.

On second thought, I needed to get my head out of the gutter.

“Well, maybe if you had graced me with it sooner, I wouldn’t have needed to assign you a name. You only have yourself to blame, Mr. Arrogant Asshole.”

He smirked. “You are determined to burn brightly and hold tight to your pride, I see. Excellent. I enjoy when I deal with such a woman. I dislike tedium. I dislike a great many things, but tedium? How dreary. You may wish to adjust your current antagonistic position, as I’ve reason to believe that the miserable excuses for humans upstairs have no intention of allowing you to live. The misguided fools truly believe they can sacrifice you to me to appease my hunger. I think they mistake me for a vampire. Had I been an undead creature of the night, their ploy may have worked, but I am not. Still, I accept their offer of you as a sacrifice, although they are incorrect on the nature of the sacrifice I require.” The bastard’s smirk eased to a satisfied smile. “There are perks to being my sacrifice, of course. You’ll show me the nature of the world as it is now, explain the ways it has changed, and provide the knowledge I require to understand society and thrive in it. In exchange, I will provide you with certain protections, knowledge that may lead you to wealth, direct wealth depending on the situation with my current caretakers, and a way out of this place, which will become your tomb should you let it. In the eyes of those above, you have witnessed too much. You know too much. You’re a threat to them.”

Clenching my teeth, I pulled free of Eoghan’s hold, approached the container, and peeked inside. He hadn’t been dead long as far as I could tell, although I wasn’t sure. “Did you know he was in here?”