Page 7 of Grave Humor

“Fear makes men do reprehensible things. They fear for their lives and would spend yours to preserve theirs. They’re right to fear me, but they should fear you more.”

“Me? Did you hit your head climbing out of the freezer?” There was no way anyone could possibly fear me. The only thing that needed to fear me was my pack of pudding the instant I got home, because I was going to whip it into shape and eat the whole damned thing in one sitting. “That’s nuts. I’m unrated. I have no known magic, but I have too much magic to classify as a vanilla human. Don’t ask me what that means, because I don’t know. It doesn’t make any sense to me, but the machine they use goes beep-beep-beep near me, which means magic, but nobody has figured out what my trick is.”

“I can come up with a few interesting and plausible theories in but a few minutes. I do have the advantage of many long years listening to the inane prattle of those simpletons. I’ll share my wisdom with you for a price. In that, nothing has changed. Nothing is for free. What say you? I promise an extended life and servitude to me won’t be terribly heinous. I’ll even put a conclusion date for your servitude should you bargain with me well enough. Most importantly, I’ll uphold my end of our bargain first, ensuring you leave here alive.”

Ugh. I couldn’t tell if I wanted to hate the bastard or spend the last minutes of my life stripping him out of his clothes. The thought of servitude of any sort disgusted me, although I also realized I did Director Hammel’s bidding, which amounted to the same thing. I regarded him, tilting my head to the side. “How do I know you’re not lying to me?”

“I’d be foolish to lie to you. You’re no use to me dead. I’ll be generous and only require your sacrifice for a year. That will give me plenty of time to secure your company as mine for however long I please. It’s a fair deal. A year of your time for a secret and your life. The alternate is one I dislike, as it would involve your death.”

Death came to everyone. My first few days at the funeral home had disturbed me, but once I’d gotten a chance to look death in the eyes, I hadn’t found it all that frightening. Death wasn’t anything more than a doorway, one I could peek through every time one of the corpses got up and decided to have a chat with me.

“Your offer might have worked if I feared death. I don’t.”

“Do you care to put that to the test? There’s a vampire in the other room who would appreciate a new chance at life. He wouldn’t need all of your blood, just a hefty amount of it. If you speak the truth, you’ll survive.” Eoghan stepped to me, staring down his nose with a raised brow. “You’re such an interesting woman.”

“If the vampire drains me dry, doesn’t that mean you lose your new sacrifice? That sounds to me like you’d just be losing, unless you want a date with the vampire.”

“Hardly.”

“If I die, you lose,” I pointed out.

“I only lose if you die. If you’re telling the truth, you won’t. I think you’re telling the truth, so you won’t die. Not today.”

The confidence in his voice annoyed me. “What the hell? If I get anywhere near that vampire after he’s been put back together and warmed up, he’ll definitely kill me. He’ll kill anyone unfortunate enough to get too close. It won’t even be his fault. At that stage of revival, he’ll be incoherent and unable to even attempt to behave like a human. We hear that lecture every time an inspector comes to visit.”

“It’s simple. For me, that is. If you test this and live, I am right, and you’ll be mine. Of course, as I have no interest in slaves, you’ll retain your free will. It’s absolutely no fun for either one of us if you’re a docile beauty with no fire in your eyes or steel in your spine. You’d be far less interesting if you are reduced to a puppet. No, I appreciate a challenge, and I will enjoy earning your cooperation. You could just agree to a year in exchange for your life and the knowledge of why I believe they may fear you. It’s a good deal for you. Waking that vampire does have its benefits, however.”

“You realize after that blood sucker kills me, he’ll go after you, right?”

“I’m sure he’ll try. Frenzied vampires are hardly sane. They’ve never been sane. I’d like to know what’s so special about him that they preserved him rather than give him his final death. If you truly welcome your death, the vampire will calm before he kills you. I win. If you’re just another human claiming you’d prefer death over servitude, he’ll try to drain you dry. I will prevent him from doing that because it will make him more dangerous.”

I frowned, as for my plan to work, the vampire needed to actually kill me. “That’s not fair. If the vampire kills me, and he will, you should leave me to my death, as is proper. No turning me, either—or having him turn me. If things are as you say, which sounds like utter nonsense to me, and he does release me before I die, without interference from you, you win.”

“No. There is no victory for you in that wager. Either I win, or you die.”

Was the man daft? I stared at him. “And?”

Eoghan’s eyes narrowed, and his expression turned thoughtful. “Very well. Should you live, while you will promise to work in my benefit and favor while retaining your free will, you can ask any boon of me you wish, with a few exceptions. I will not free you from my service, nor will I kill you. I will always be honest should I be unable to grant your boon, and I will tell you why I cannot. You may verify that through any means you wish, magical or mundane. Then, in either case, you have a victory of sorts. But I will not waste your death while also putting others at risk. Frenzied vampires must be approached with care, and I want him alive, which means you cannot die. Should he take you to the brink of death, I will consider it your victory. Name what you desire should it be your victory.”

No matter how I looked at it, I faced death. I’d thought about putting an end to everything before, and while I’d contemplated escaping a world that cared nothing for me, I had always clung to tenacious life. Before, death had seemed empty and meaningless.

No one, not even an arrogant asshole like Eoghan Olin, deserved imprisonment in a freezer. Perhaps there was a good reason to fear vampires, but the one locked away in the funeral home’s basement deserved either life or death, not the limbo hanging between the two.

Death didn’t seem so empty or meaningless when another life shone at the end of the tunnel.

I regarded the egotistical man, tilting my head to the side. “It seems obvious to me. You get to serve me for a while. I’ll take a year, since that was your initial offer, and I prefer the whole free will thing, too. But mostly, I’ll have you do things like wash my dishes because they’re a pain in the ass. Will that suffice?”

Eoghan smiled. “I accept your terms.”

“I hope that vampire isn’t too dangerous for you to handle, Mr. Arrogant Asshole.”

“Call me Eoghan, please. I’ll even accept a sir or you can address me as Olin if you snarl it in your most disapproving tone.” Eoghan stared in the direction of the refrigerator room. “As for the vampire, he’s old enough to survive dismemberment, but he’s young enough he can’t raise himself without aid. He’s no older than eighty years, I suppose. Perhaps one of the first vampires of this emergence? The first ones are always more durable than the rest, and they could survive through such abuse the first night of their unlife. Is he dangerous? Yes. All vampires are dangerous, even the newborns. Will releasing him do irreparable damage to me? He would have to be much older to be a concern to me. Will he be a threat to others? There have always been far more dangerous beings in this world, and humans are one of them. Humans have always been dangerous, reckless beings.”

“Good. After he’s finished draining me dry, I hope he kills those backstabbing assholes upstairs.”

“You’re not dead yet, Miss Nash. If you mean to do this, take some care. Don’t present your wrist or throat. Offer the fleshier part of your arm below your elbow. That is easier to heal later, and it will give him a chance to find his feet after he consumes some of your blood. I am a man of my word, and I do swear I will observe you while you awaken the vampire. I will not interrupt his feeding, nor will I permit him to turn you. But I trust your word is good, too. Should you live, you will give me your loyalty, and I will give you the single, conditional boon we discussed, where I will grant you anything I can outside of your death and freedom.”

“Yes. I accept those terms.”