Page 91 of Grave Humor

Eoghan leered at me. “When I’m done with you, you will be.”

A black dragon covered in opalescent scales lounged out on the roof of my house with his tail wrapped around the building. My neighbors gawked at it, and when I pulled the truck into the driveway, the dragon snorted smoke.

“Oh. It’s Yuless.” Eoghan flung the seatbelt off and dove out of my truck before I had a chance to kill the engine, a hand keeping the door propped open. “If you break her house, you’ll repair it and everything inside. And you’ll upgrade everything while you’re at it.”

Well, at least Eoghan cared about my house and possessions. My life had taken such a sharp left turn out of normality I appreciated someone understood the basics of survival, which included having a home.

The dragon snorted again, and more smoke poured from its nose. “You were always slow to get out of bed. I was told there’s a woman.”

Well, I did count as a woman. I turned the key in the ignition and sighed, giving Lady Luck a pat on her dashboard. “I’m not sure my life could possibly get weirder.” Delaying wouldn’t help, so I got out of my truck, closed the door, and circled the vehicle so I could shoo Eoghan away and close his door, too. I locked it, and my truck beeped to notify me the alarm system had engaged. Then I went to the back to unload everything. “There’s a dragon on my house, Eoghan.”

“Yes. His name is Yuless. He’s almost as old as I am, he’s far more annoying, and he loves using houses as his bed. It makes him feel special. One of his favorite hobbies is to annoy me.” Eoghan sighed. “Please don’t break her house. She is quite fond of it, and she’s already had a house broken today. She does not need a second home of hers broken quite yet. Anyway, if you break the house and endanger our vampire companion, I’ll be most displeased.”

“The vampire is fine. He is dozing inside. I startled him when I paid a visit, but he said you were out with your woman. At that point, I couldn’t just leave a message and head home, so I opted to wait. The humans are quite distraught I have taken up temporary residence here. They amuse me. The one likes that little weapon of his a great deal, and he thinks his threats are anything other than amusing. I helped myself to the first one he pointed at me. It tasted delicious. Good metal, aged wood. There might be a hole in the house, but that is not my fault.”

“Jeff, you didn’t!” I complained, turning around to face my neighbor and stomping my foot. “Where are your manners? Or better yet, where is your common sense?” Pointing at the dragon counted as rude, but I’d deal with the consequences of that later. “Did you fail to notice he is a dragon?”

“He invaded your property.”

“He isn’t doing anything wrong.”

“He shouldn’t be there.”

“He’s a dragon, Jeff. I figure he can go anywhere he wants. In case you had not noticed, he is large enough to swallow you whole. You’re lucky he only ate your gun! You’d probably tickle while kicking and screaming to his stomach.”

“She’s not wrong,” the dragon announced. “I prefer my humans charred, but I might make an exception for a particularly annoying one. What do you go by in this age, old friend?”

“Eoghan. The lady is Anwen. I thought it would be fair to warn you that Azrael is up and about.”

“I have been warned. I’ve been told of your woman’s role, too. You must be pleased.”

“An ignorant fool thought to sacrifice her to me. I’ve accepted his offer with much glee. He was corrected on his misconceptions, but I am keeping her around. She’s unfortunately independent, and she wishes to earn her keep, so she is taking on the role of caretaker.”

“Your caretaker will require a caretaker. What became of yours?”

“Murdered.”

“A sad end to a loyal, good family. I’m sorry.”

Jeff spluttered. “Anwen, what is the meaning of this?”

“It seems Eoghan is friends with a dragon, and the dragon has paid us a visit. Put your gun away. It’s rude. Be hospitable for once, please.”

“He ate Betsy!”

“Well, you shouldn’t have pointed Betsy at him and fired her. You can buy a new Betsy from Walmart. She cost you less than two hundred dollars, and she’s the firearm equivalent of a cheap hussy,” I replied, allowing some of my scorn into my tone. “She was the cheapest damned double-barrel your money could buy.”

“Anwen,” Jeff whined.

“Jeff,” I whined back. “Put the damned gun away and leave my guests alone. Don’t make me be callin’ the cops. For pity’s sake, what does a woman have to do to get some peace around here?”

“Move to a different house,” Eoghan muttered. “One without neighbors.”

I almost laughed at that. “Eoghan, be nice.”

“I don’t feel like being nice. He put a hole in your house.”

I snorted, wondering if I should tell him a tiny hole counted as dinky damage compared to the shit my parents had pulled over the years. “That’s nothing some spackle and elbow grease won’t fix as long as he didn’t take out a wire, a pipe, or a window.”