Page 40 of A Chip on Her Shoulder

“Yes, Lucifer. They’re poisoned. It’s not the end of the world. There’s an antidote. I’m sure I’ll be fine.” Eventually. “It just gives me the justifiable part of the homicide verdict. Hey, how much does ruling over your hells earn me, anyway? I seem to be out of a job and have been poisoned.”

“You’re taking this in stride.”

I pointed at my brother. “I’m just a little poisoned. He’s a chipmunk. Apparently, I’m a prize, and he wants me badly enough to try to manipulate me into having sex with him through the use of lethal poisons.”

The Devil twitched, and he held out his hand. “May I please have my phone?”

“Your brother wants to talk to you.” I handed over the device, as even I had some shred of self-preservation left. When the Devil’s eyes burned brighter than any flame, screwing around with him probably wouldn’t work out in my favor. I sipped my iced coffee and watched him with interest.

Fury was a good look on the Devil, especially when he wore a nice suit. He turned and graced me with his back, and I tilted my head while admiring the scenery.

Nice. I’d have to make the Devil fetch things for me often when I was ruling over his hells.

“You’re saying I can’t destroy the roses,” the Devil stated, his tone colder than my coffee.

Poor Michael. “I’m sure your spot supplier will be fine. There’s an antidote, and you could always bargain with the archangel for a cure. I hear they’ll do medical miracles for a fee.”

The Devil twisted around and shot a glare at me. “You shouldn’t sound so chipper after being told you’ve been lethally poisoned.”

“I’m not dead yet.”

“Yet.”

“He already said there’s an antidote. Why are you whining so much? This is perfect. We know where the poison came from, and we’ve the word of an archangel. We know who sent the flowers, we know why he sent the flowers. He wants me to show up to manipulate me, and he’s willing to poison me to get his way. This totally removes any feelings of guilt I may have suffered for contemplating doing terrible things to him in your dungeon. I’m also going to make plans for the two who delivered those roses knowing they’d be poisoning me and getting an antidote. There will be a special place in your hells for them. Am I understood?”

The Devil raised a brow. “Are you seriously ordering me around?”

“Yes. They need a special place in your hells so I can come play with them whenever I want. It will be brutal. I might even accept your assistance in adding additional brutality to my planned brutalities.”

“That’s the hottest thing a woman has said to me in a long time.”

I rolled my eyes at that. “Ask a succubus to flirt with you. I’m sure she can come up with something hotter.”

“They don’t like coming with me into the dungeons for some reason, unless they’re asking for a punishment, and is that really a punishment?”

“It’s not a punishment if she likes it,” I confirmed. “Consenting punishment definitely isn’t punishment. The consent part is key.”

“For some reason, I like the begging.”

“Well, yes. You’re the Devil. It would be strange if you didn’t. Also, should you be conversing with me when you have your brother on the phone?”

“He’s talking to Gabriel, as he is offended you have been poisoned. Archangels get rather pissy at times, so I figure I’ll be a good brother for a change and wait while he works his temper out. I’m sure He will be brought into it, because He gets cranky when his archangels are pitching fits. Basically, He is cranky all of the time. I come from a very dysfunctional family.”

“A dysfunctional family that will ultimately end the world.”

“Yeah. We’re a little more dysfunctional than most. Truth be told, it’s not like any of us actually want the End of Days to happen. But humans are humans, and because they’re humans, it must. If we had a choice in the matter, we’d dodge it for all eternity. But all beginnings have ends. In good news, all ends have beginnings, so the End of Days is merely the end of an old beginning and the beginning of a new end. It’s complicated.”

“Hey. Can you ask what kind of poison the fucker got me with?”

“The kind that will kill you within two weeks if you aren’t given an antidote or other treatments.”

“I was hoping for some specifics.”

“Do you need to know more than it will kill you within two weeks if you aren’t given an antidote or other treatments?”

“Well, yes. Can you ask Michael if the envelope with his name and the rose petals in it has more of the poison available in a detectible fashion? I’m happy to give it to the police. It has his name on it. It’s his invitation. I didn’t touch anything on the inside. I used tongs. I should throw the tongs and crap out I used to open that envelope, shouldn’t I?”

“Are you fond of this house?”