Page 68 of A Chip on Her Shoulder

“Don’t mind him, Darlene.” The Devil put his perfect shoe on his brother’s arm and shoved him over. “She needs more coffee, and I’ll destroy anyone who upsets her or fails to provide her coffee at her request.”

“No one can say I didn’t try. Also, if you do that, you’ll bring the End of Days the first time I have to wait in line for coffee. If you create an apocalypse and remove my ability to obtain coffee, I will not be happy. Frankly? You idiots should put a complete stay on the End of Days, because if you eliminate Earth, you eliminate coffee, and whomever eliminates coffees dies at my hand.”

“It doesn’t work like that,” the Devil replied.

“It does now.” The white kitten opened its eyes, twisted its ears back, and hissed at Lucifer. “See? My kitten agrees with me. Are they boy kittens or girl kittens, Gabriel?”

“They are both girls. He figured my brother would like to be able to claim he has a harem. They do not yet have names, for they are yours, and you should have the naming of them.”

I laughed at that. “Who knew? He has a sense of humor.”

“Yes, he does. He made you, after all.”

My mouth dropped open. “I’m going to feel that one for a while. I might need two iced coffees to recover.”

“That was a pretty good one,” the Devil admitted. “It’s usually Michael coming up with those. Did Michael put you up to that, Gabriel?”

“That one was all me this time, although I will confess I have carried the burden of Michael’s sense of humor in the past.”

“Your brothers are amazing. They’re amazing assholes, but they’re still amazing, Lucifer.”

“But they lack nipples,” the Devil reminded me. “As such, they are inferior beings compared to me.”

I sighed at the reminder of the archangel’s utter lack of nipples. “It’s a pretty severe flaw, but I’m willing to overlook such things when they bring me presents. I really like presents.”

Gabriel, while he still laughed, recovered enough to stand. “I will bring you iced coffee in sufficient quantity to survive what my brother has in mind for you. I will also bring sustenance, as I suspect my brother has lengthy plans for your conversion.”

“Conversion. Explain that. I’ve heard it several times already, and then he started in on unicorns, and things became confusing at that point.”

Gabriel snorted another laugh. “Don’t mind my brother. He is not the only one who created your Earth, and unicorns were Lucifer’s first contribution to the mortal coil’s many wonders. He has a fond spot in his heart for them. Before his fall, he was the Lord of the Morning, and little else captures the glory of the sun and its rise than a unicorn. As such, he is always out to protect his beloved children. At current, he only has one succubus sacrificed to their ways, although he’d cast them all out if they located stallions for themselves.”

“I’m working on that,” Lucifer announced. “I do have a plan. The standard unicorns will be fine, and there’s hope enough for the cindercorns. I despair for some of the other species. Standards were my first creations, and I created the other unicorns to maintain the balance. The cindercorns developed in ways I did not expect, however.”

“There are only a few left,” Gabriel warned. “And their numbers dwindle yearly. Within thirty years, they will run the risk of extinction.”

“I have recently tended to that garden.”

Gabriel straightened, and something about his body language changed, a slight tensing that worried me. Then the archangel relaxed, and his laughter once again rang out. “You are a rascal. How did you pull that off?”

“The moon and the sun have always loved one another, and the moon’s light is a reflection of her love for the sun. I merely made it so they would meet. How far ahead have you looked?”

“Far enough.”

“Did I not choose wisely?”

“She will be magnificent, but your choice of humans for her parentage is worrisome.”

“Sariel can handle all that she is and will become, I’m sure. And when he comes asking for my help with the rest of it, who else is better for the task?” The Devil rubbed his hands together. “Agares is well suited for the work as well. Ah, that reminds me. I’d like to get those two settled with a new wife. A seed will be required, and as I had the making of the last one, it’s His turn.”

Gabriel waved his hand. “He has no objections to you selecting the seed for them. They have done more of His work than yours, so it would be better balanced if you select the seed again. He will look the other way if you cultivate a non-human seed for them. Try not to break more rules than necessary. If you plant the seed now, the seed will be matured sufficiently for them at the end of their work on your current project.”

“I could bend the rules a little without breaking them,” the Devil murmured, and his expression turned distant. “It’ll need to be a particularly troublesome seed for those two to unify again. But sweet and pure. Troublesome, sweet, and pure. The thought alone disgusts me. It was bad enough setting up my last scheme. The mix had to be just right for that seed to take root. Don’t you know how long I’ve been cultivating that seed?”

“Yes. It was your first seed after your fall. I remember. I wondered when you would use it, but I never looked.”

“He had the other seed needed for the project, and I’ve been scheming around his intentions to use it. It’s not my fault he’s slow. That seed of mine deserves only the best, and He kept refusing to give me the seed I wanted. It’s His fault.”

“Which seed?”