Page 91 of A Chip on Her Shoulder

“It’s not my fault Gallo’s asshole friend threw glass at my face. I should be rewarded for taking him out in one hit. I let the fucker off lightly.”

“You really did,” said the man who’d been smart enough to sit his ass down. “I’m sorry. I owe him money, and he threatened to go after my little sister.” He regarded the body of the deceased loan shark. “Owed him money. Do I still owe money to a corpse?”

As Gallo had no morals or scruples, I was unsurprised. “Let me beat the fucker again.”

“He’s already dead, and he’ll be awaiting for your attention in the darkest pit of my many hells, so you’ll have plenty of time to learn your art on him.”

I narrowed my eyes. “Promise?”

“Of course. I’m still not letting you go, though. You, my darling, are truly cranky. Should I let you go right now, you might destroy the world, and the End of Days is not scheduled for this moment.”

For a spiky, crushed tomato with a tentacle problem, Belial could pounce with the best of them, and he landed on his victim, who screamed. The man’s cries didn’t last long, and to my dismay, Belial came rolling over with one of my mother’s vases held in a tentacle.

Inside, a bright purple, blue, green, and yellow fish flopped and splashed in barely enough water to cover it. “Oh, he’s pretty.”

“He’s a Mandarin dragonet, just as promised” Belial announced, and he presented me with my prize.

When given a choice between admiring my new fish and indulging in violence, admiring my new pet became my top priority. “Oh, he’s really pretty, but he’s not as pretty as Ruby.”

“Is any fish prettier than Ruby?” the Devil asked in an amused tone.

“Well, no. But he’s pretty enough. He will not bring shame to my trophy room.”

The dog bounded over, and he had one of my mother’s vases in his mouth, and a tiny red and orange lion fish bounced and thumped in the jar, most of its water spilled out. I took it, and suspecting my second fish would die if I didn’t get it into some water, I held the lion fish out to the Devil. “I don’t think that’s enough water.”

Lucifer snapped his fingers, and water splashed into both vases. I grunted, clutching the glass to my chest so I wouldn’t drop them. “There. Maybe that will keep you amused. Belial, please inquire with Michael or Gabriel regarding my wife’s attempt to transform herself into a unicorn. While she put in a valiant effort, they are more accustomed to checking on a human’s health, and she seems to have taken temporary leave of her senses. I thought feeding her would contain the beast, but it turns out feeding her has created a rather amusing monster oblivious to pain. Frankly, she’s a menace, and I find this to be delightful.”

The crushed tomato with spikes and tentacles vanished, as did his hellish canine companion.

“You’re the Devil, aren’t you?” the seated mafia member asked, and he paled to a rather sickly grayish tone.

“What gave me away? Was it my good looks?”

The man pointed at the Devil’s head, and I regarded Lucifer with interest. When I hadn’t been paying attention, he’d sprouted curved horns and had sheathed his head in fire. The horns amused me, as they peeked out of his hair, long enough to be seen while maintaining a hint of mystery. I scowled, as holding my new fish prevented me from being able to get my hands on him and discover if the flames had any heat. “You’re pretty,” I informed him. “I don’t want to compete with a bunch of succubi to have you. They’re prettier than I am.”

“You’re absolutely prettier than they are, and they also lack your spots and your determination to ruthlessly use your spots against me. And anyway, I already declared you’re my wife, so you don’t have to worry about any competition. Of course, I might look from time to time, but only because I want you to punish me.”

I could think of a lot of ways I could enjoy punishing the Devil. “You haven’t married me yet.”

“Ah, but you bargained with me for a bat, which I gave you. You’re now as good as married to me.”

“That wasn’t really all that bright, lady,” the sole survivor of the quartet of mafia thugs announced.

As he was right, I sighed and nodded my head. Blood dripped down my face, and I frowned, unable to deal with it while my hands were full of fish. “What are we supposed to do with him?”

The Devil laughed and kissed my cheek. “As you’re determined to earn your proper place in hell, kidnap him for a time, train him on how to be a proper minion of yours, and release him back into the wilds when you have given him an assignment. This one is more useful to you alive, and while he is misguided, he has not strayed too far. He’s redeemable, and he has family.”

“You’re lucky the Devil likes you,” I informed the survivor. “Fetch my bat and my shoes, and you’re lucky I can’t stand the thought of having anyone work for me without pay, so you’ll even get a decent salary, even if I have to mug the Devil to make it happen.”

“I’m not paid,” the Devil complained.

“Yes, you are.”

“I am? I haven’t received a paycheck.”

“You’re paid in access to my spots, so be quiet before you take a pay deduction for poor behavior.”

The Devil clacked his teeth together in his hurry to shut up or lose access to my spots.