Page 54 of Hoofin’ It

“I was assaulted by a pair of toddlers.”

“Toddlers? What toddlers?”

“Normal people call them parents. Me? I have a pair of toddlers. Remember that box I said came from my father?”

“Yes.”

“Glitter bomb. Apparently, I hadn’t been paying them sufficient attention.”

“Are you serious?” Michelle bit her lip, probably to keep from laughing at me. Stripes snickered, although he kept his gaze diverted.

“Since the glitter killed my vacuum, I’m going to the store to buy a new one. Ironically, the toddlers planned this from the start. Would you like a pair of parents? I’ll sell you mine for cheap.”

“No thanks.”

“Is there something I can do for you?”

“Not precisely. I wanted to swing over and give you the good news.”

“What good news?”

Michelle held out her fist and flung confetti in the air. “You didn’t kill someone. Congratulations!”

“Have you lost your mind?”

Stripes burst into a fit of laughter so intense he doubled over in his seat.

“Why would you say such a mean thing, Shane?”

“You just threw a handful of confetti at me, telling me something I already knew. But since you’re here delivering the good news, how did you find out?”

“The body was a fake.”

I blinked. “Excuse me?”

“The body was a fake. Since there was zero chance you could’ve committed the murder, the captain requested a full autopsy and evaluation done on the body, including a DNA test. It was a pig corpse transformed by a practitioner to look like the victim, who was spotted in New York City yesterday.”

“That was pretty dumb of him.”

“That’s what we thought. But why go through the effort of framing you for murder only to show up at his regular roost? It’s driving the captain mental. He wanted us to tell you to be careful, because something seems really fishy about this whole thing. You’re off the hook. I thought you’d like to know.”

“Thanks for letting me know. And hey, Kayne?”

Stripes canted his head. “What, Gibson?”

“You do realize I’m not going to bite you, give you any diseases, or otherwise mar your humanity, right?”

“Were you always this much of an asshole?”

“Yes. I just cared more about hiding it. Since I’ve got nothing to lose at this point, why not? Two-way street, buddy. Welcome to the club. It’s a pissy place to be, but you know what they say. Misery loves company.” Standing straight, I reached over and gave the roof of the cruiser a hearty slap.

“That was low, Shane.” Michelle scowled at me.

“So is being treated like I have the plague.” I dug my keys out of my pocket, tossed them in the air, and caught them. “Have a safe patrol, you two.”

Chapter Sixteen

Life went on as it tended to do. It took a week to get most of the glitter out of my carpet. During that time, the CDC investigated my personal and professional life beginning from my first day of college. My grades surprised the CDC almost as much as they had my parents, who hadn’t expected me to be so damned good at classwork.