Page 46 of Murder Mittens

That got a purr out of me before I could stop myself. As I’d already lost the war, I tore off the rest of the wrapping paper from the box and lifted off the lid.

As Sebastian suspected, the box did contain a cutting board meant for cheese, several wooden dishes bound together with ribbon, cheese knives, metal skewers for hunting cheese, and several blocks and rounds of cheese. According to the first block of cheese I grabbed, someone had gifted me with three pounds of old cheddar cheese infused with catnip. “How good is twenty-five year cheese?”

“Someone likes you a lot. That stuff will crumble when you touch it, and it is exquisite in its sharpness. Your uncle probably contributed to that, because I really like old cheddars.”

“I’m more of a Monterey Jack woman,” I confessed. I checked the next block, and sure enough, someone had made sure I would enter a catnip induced coma using my favorite cheese as the vessel for my catnip high. “See? Monterey Jack! But there are more types of cheese in here?” I peeked at the wheels, discovering several types of soft cheeses and one smaller block of mild cheddar. “So much cheese. And this block will keep my cheese cold? So I can take my cheese anywhere without a refrigerator?”

“Yep. In five years, you’ll need to have the magic renewed on the box, but there should be instructions on where to take it underneath the cutting board. Once outside the box, the board will stay cool to keep your cheeses from warming up too much, too. It’s really nice, especially when you have a good cheese like that old cheddar or your Monterey Jack.”

“I like how you called it good rather than cheap.”

“If you love it, it’s a good cheese.” Sebastian leaned forward, peeked into the basket, and reached inside, pulling out several containers of crackers. “Apparently, your family is sending a message about what they think you should be doing.”

“I don’t get it.”

“Catnip can relax cats. Catnip can also make cats very frisky. Two cats high on catnip tend to get frisky. In bed. There’s enough cheese in that box to induce a week long cheese binge, Miss Murder Mittens. There’s also sausage.” He retrieved the sausage and set them on his lap before rummaging through the basket. I grinned as his curiosity took over. “It’s also catnip infused. You should store these in the cheese box if there is space.”

“I think those will fit. This is probably a hint to continue the family tradition of producing a ridiculous number of kittens.”

“You’re not fertile right now,” Sebastian announced. “Judging from your scent, we’ll have to start being careful in a week or two, although I’m not sure how lynxes differ from lions on that front. I didn’t do any research into lynxes like that. I was more worried about other things.”

I giggled. “Lynxes have set mating seasons. My parents just finished theirs. It lasts about two months. My litter is off-season. We’re just starting our season. My brothers are a little ahead of me, but we figure it was based on our conception dates. In-season lynxes are greedy assholes, and we get very grouchy when we don’t have company. I’m known to be pretty aggressive and cranky. My mother just assaults my father at least once a day. We just go hang out on the front porches of our neighbors when they’re going at it. Thus the whole cop thing I told you about earlier.”

“Are you on birth control?”

“Doesn’t work on female lynxes. At all. We completely ignore it. Or our virus wipes it out. But in good news, there aren’t typically any accidental kittens for lynxes.”

“How are there no accidental kittens for lynxes if you’re in-season and randy for two months? Lionesses are always in-season, and have more of a human reproductive cycle,” he informed me.

“My mother asked a doctor at the CDC once, and they gave her a nice check to retrieve a few eggs and do some experiments. She often lets them do something like that every time there is a litter to help cover the hospital fees and anything else if needed. It’s a thing. With as many kittens as they have? My parents need all the help they can get, and the CDC isn’t really all that bad. They pay fairly for things like that. But anyway, lynxes have really thick egg covers, so it takes a lot of sperm to get through it. The CDC asked an incubus and succubus to evaluate one of her eggs.” I shuddered. “And this is where we enter ‘I didn’t really want to know, but I do now’ territory.”

“Let me guess. They gave the number of times the average human or lycanthrope would have to ejaculate to have a chance of pregnancy.”

“Yes, they did. And because my mother is all about sex education, all of my brothers know, as do I. We even have a list for all known cat species. The list is in my email.”

Sebastian fetched my phones and went to work on them. “I’ll just get your phone set up while you continue exploring the box, because I’m now really curious how much prowess I need to display should we want children.”

“Well, the lowest of any of the numbers is thirty-five. I remember that only because upon learning this, my brothers may have gotten on their knees and bowed to my father.”

Sebastian went still. “The lowest number of times is thirty-five?”

“Yes.”

He gently set the phones on the couch beside him, lifted his hand, opened his mouth, and spluttered.

I understood. I still struggled to imagine the sheer amount of effort my father had to invest in order to make certain there were future kittens in the family.

My brothers and I were a lot more than the result of lust, although my parents had more than their fair share of that.

“Is your father a god or does he get medication?” Sebastian blurted.

“Possibly a god, because he is my daddy. But that talk keeps me awake at night sometimes, Sebastian. Thirty-five times? In one night? Hell, thirty-five times in a matter of hours? Inconceivable!”

“Obviously not, as your father has done a very good job of raising lynx numbers,” Sebastian replied in a dry tone.

I stared at him, and I realized I’d inadvertently assaulted him with a horrible pun. “I am so sorry. That was an accident.”

“Well, none of your brothers were accidents to say the least, and I see I have a great deal of work ahead of me. Do you know what this is, Harri?”