Page 10 of Catnapped

“Just don’t put a ring on it unless they’re specially constructed for that purpose,” Lucifer stated, and he dared to leer at me in my house.

As everything in my home was already damaged or broken, what was adding to the carnage? I spun, grabbed hold of the lamp, which had lost its shade somewhere along with half of its bulb, and flung it at the Devil’s head. The glass and metal made a rather satisfying crack-thunk when it connected with his thick skull. “I said cockgoblet, not cock ring, you steaming pile of monkey feces.”

The lamp thumped to the floor, and the Devil shook his head. To my disappointment, I hadn’t made him bleed. “Did Darlene tell you to do that?”

Had she? I considered my past phone calls with her. As I couldn’t remember, I grabbed my phone, dialed her number, and listened to the ring tone, hoping she’d answer.

Sometimes she did, sometimes she didn’t. If in a mood, she’d play voicemail tag with me for a few days, toying with me because she could.

“What did that husband of mine do now?” the woman answered.

I smiled at her correct assumption her husband had done something. “I’ve had a long and bad day, but have you ever told me I should hit your husband in the face with a lamp before? He wants to know, and I can’t remember.”

“I told you to smack him around if he bothers you, which is basically the same thing.”

I nodded. “Lucy, she says she told me to smack you around if you bothered me. That counts. Thank you, Darlene.”

“How do you like your new suitor? I remembered you’d been complaining how hard it was to find a tall, dark, and handsome the last time Satin strutted his stuff in a designer suit. When I heard about his latest ploy, I didn’t stop him because you deserve your own tall, dark, and handsome—and your suitor has got decent genes to go along with his nice ass.”

I frowned, as I hadn’t gotten a look at Darian’s ass yet. “I haven’t had an opportunity to fully admire the local scenery. What grade are we talking about?”

“If the cranky succubi who aren’t allowed to play with him are any indication, he’s just about a match for my husband. Belial made it clear his little boy was not available for the amusements of a bunch of perverted succubi. Since he’s a young, fresh stud, this is very annoying for them. You already have Belial’s approval, as you can deal with my idiot husband with little difficulties. You already have the other father’s approval because you’re straitlaced, and he appreciates that. As for his mother? I’ve given up trying to guess what she thinks. Honestly, I’m not sure she thinks hardly at all, but that’s their problem rather than mine.” Darlene sighed. “Why did you throw a lamp at my husband?”

“I didn’t just throw it, I hit him in the face with it,” I said, unable to keep the pride out of my voice. “He made fun of one of my curses.”

“Oh? Which curse?”

“I called the people who stole my cat sleazebag cockgoblets, and then he started in on cock rings, so I threw the lamp to shut him up. It mostly worked.”

The Devil sighed.

Darlene laughed. “His sense of humor is a little twisted. If you haven’t already, bargain with him for the safety of your cat. He has tricks up his sleeve, and he has a soft spot for felines.”

“We came to an agreement about that already.”

“Excellent. Once you’re done with my husband, send him on home, and I’ll reinforce why he’ll keep an exceptionally close eye on your pet. In the meantime, there’s nothing in the books stating I can’t send Mistoffelees over to help keep an eye on your furry friend. She’s an excellent scout, and she enjoys when she can get her paws dirty for a good cause. If there are any problems, she’ll let me know. I’d offer her sister, too, but Bellsiebubble prefers when she dirties her paws for a naughty cause.”

“And I thought Mr. Flooferson the Magnificent had a weird name.” I hesitated, but curiosity got the better of me, so I asked, “Do your cats try to kill you in your sleep?”

“No. They love their names, as it makes that lout of mine twitch. They love tormenting him. It is one of their joys in life. And after they’re done tormenting the lout, they charm him and make him share his pillow. It drives him insane.”

“He shares?” I blurted.

Darlene laughed long and hard. “Surprisingly, yes. I’ll leave you to your business. Don’t let Lucifer annoy you too much, Diana. Call me back if he gives you trouble.” Without wasting any time on goodbyes, she hung up.

I regarded the Devil with a raised brow. “Bellsiebubble?”

Lucifer bowed his head and heaved a sigh. “Two of my brothers encouraged her, so she named our cats in ridiculous fashions. I say ours as though I have any say over her cats, which I do not. Bellsiebubble is a little devil of a kitten. Mistoffelees is more on the angelic side, but she’s still a damned cat. Though, that said, I love when Mistoffelees tries to cause trouble with my wife. She tends to faint when caught, as though passing out will somehow spare her from my wrath.” The Devil wrinkled his nose. “To be fair, thus far, she’s gotten away with it because she’s a devilishly cute fluffball.”

“So, she said I should bargain with you regarding Mr. Flooferson the Magnificent, and that once you’re finished making my day a clusterfuck, that you’re to return home to her. She mentioned potentially sending Mistoffelees to keep an eye on the situation.” I took a few moments to think through the Devil’s commentary over the fainting tendencies of his cat. “I don’t want her to faint and get hurt helping my cat, though.”

“Oh, don’t worry about that. She’s a fierce huntress. She just gets excessively startled when I catch her in the act of being naughty. She likes to think I’m not going to catch her, so I enjoy doing just that. That, plus even when she faints, I catch her. I’m not going to let her get hurt during one of our games, so don’t you worry yourself over that. And anyway, Mistoffelees is immortal, and about as close to a true immortal as it gets. She and her sister were gifts from Him to my wife, and He can’t stand the damned crying when the pets pass away from old age. I have more immortal fish than I know what to do with at this stage, because the first and last time one of my wife’s favorite pet fish passed away from old age, she didn’t stop crying for a week. As such, we have a general agreement with Him. We fish shop in pairs, and one is angelic while the other is devilish or demonic depending on the current state of affairs. Pets are serious business in our household, because it’s not for life. It’s until the End of Days. But in good news, they stay in their prime of life until the End of Days, too, so we get to skip the slow decline.”

“That’s all poor Mr. Flooferson has left,” I muttered.

“The future is a fluid thing, Diana, and the longevity of a cat is something easily bargained for. Let us see how the cards of fate are played out before you become overly sentimental. First, you must retrieve your feline. After your feline is retrieved, bargains can be made. But perhaps not a bargain as ruthless as the one in my household, as you do not have an extended lifespan.”

I refused to think about meddling with my cat’s lifespan, especially after he’d been experimented on in a lab. “Death is a part of life, Lucifer.”