Page 55 of Catnapped

Lucifer snickered. “As you are a bleeding heart who might destroy this whole world should any additional animals be injured as a result of this, the feline who shed that fur is safely in custody and being pampered at a CDC lab. I, being a benevolent and kind being, insisted they have feline lycanthropes handle the animal.”

My eyes widened. “But doesn’t that mean the cat’s virus might pick up the feline lycanthropy strain? If it’s a blank virus?”

“As a matter of fact, yes.” The way Lucifer grinned promised trouble. “With a twist.”

“As in the strain will have human DNA and be a reversed version of the lycanthropy virus?”

“It’s like you work for the CDC and have been taught to look for the worst-case scenario,” the Devil teased. “From that cat, the virus will mutate several times, making the lycanthropy virus friendlier to humans—as in the people infected with that specific strain of the virus will lead fairly normal lives with minimal awareness of their virus or the animal they could shift into with work. The strain will also be significantly less infectious. Extreme cases will be able to shift into their animals, but a lot of the prejudices lycanthropes currently face will be restricted to a flag on a driver’s license and only a concern in major bleeding events and reoccurring sex. A single evening with a lycanthrope should not result in a mating bond or disease transference.”

Huh. “And this Kingston fellow is behind all this? What about Mr. Flooferson and his virus?”

Gabriel chuckled, and while I usually found angelic laughter soothing, his had a sharp edge to it, and I tensed. “He is but one. This was not the result he desired. He will get the result he desires in another way, but that is not your problem. He has already made plans regarding that situation. He sends his regrets. You will not get the pleasure of killing Kingston. You will get to take your temper out on somebody else, so don’t you worry about that. As for Mr. Flooferson, his virus will be of no consequence. My brother would not handle your grief over your lost cat very well, so he will be gifted with a more angelic nature while your new queen will get a more demonic nature. The calico will be gifted with an angelic nature, and the kitten He has selected for Himself is demonic in nature. He felt there needed to be a minor amount of naughtiness in the high heavens to counter all of the disgusting goodness and order that keeps finding its way into the many hells.”

I would never understand the Christian pantheon. “Lucifer, you’re an idiot.”

The Devil shrugged. “I don’t like when my women cry, and Darlene has given me permission to classify you as one of my women. I’m even allowed to admire the scenery as long as I take my frustrations out on her.”

Darlene would drive me insane, and the Devil would absolutely test his luck in the hopes of earning a punishment from his wife. “You’re paying me extra to put up with that crap.”

“I will make certain that your initial offer is itemized by inconvenience to prove I am a somewhat tolerable employer—or that I’m at least paying you well enough to put up with me.” The Devil prowled across the room, bent over the vials, and picked up the one I’d marked as a sample of ebolavirus Zaire. “He almost made a very lethal mistake with this one.”

I’d almost fled the room upon realizing what the vial contained, although Darian’s position on my lap had done a good job of keeping me in place. “Only an idiot fucks around with ebola. How long have I been infected?”

“Mr. Flooferson infected you shortly after he discovered he could sit on your lap and be brushed without fear of retaliation. It was his tendency to lick your fingers that got you. He’d scraped his gums with his teeth and licked you, and that was after he’d gotten a few swats in on you earlier that day,” Lucifer explained. “Since you hadn’t gotten upset he’d swatted you out of fear, he’d tested his luck. You did a very good job convincing him to enjoy affection.”

Go figure. My poor cat had been transformed into a lycanthropy virus carrier, and I’d contracted it trying to convince him life could be good.

No good deed went unpunished, although I didn’t consider contracting the lycanthropy virus to be much of a punishment. “And his current status?”

“The catnappers have gotten what they wanted from him, so their current plan is to dump him in the woods and let him fend for himself. They have no interest in taking the next step of the research using him, but the general compulsions I’ve put in place make them hesitant to hurt or kill your cat, so they’re improvising. This is where things become complicated.”

As one of the few subjects my parents had actually bothered teaching me without modification, math had become something of a safe haven for me. Some formulas were easier to solve than others.

Mr. Flooferson’s catnappers would have wanted to see if their little test worked, which meant they’d be after me next. I straightened. “They’re going to come for me?”

“As a matter of fact, yes,” the Devil replied, and he flashed a toothy grin my way. “As such, my brother here and I are going to get to you first, take you to a location of our choosing, do nefarious and awful things to you, and sit back, relax, and have a beer while you stretch your legs. Once you’re done with that, you’ll get to do more investigation work, although you’ll find it’s more along the lines of rescuing more animals. You like that sort of work. Your new lap ornament is not going to be happy with us, as he won’t be invited for the first stage of this adventure.”

I hated being played, and I hated being played by someone who knew exactly what was going on, made me do the work anyway, and then decided for me what I needed to do next. However, as my end goal involved rescuing my cat, I would dance to Lucifer’s tune. I needed him to make some key adjustments to my soul if I wanted to avoid an accidental departure from life. “This is supposed to be more complicated. We’re supposed to be going to a bunch of dead ends, gathering more evidence, and struggling to figure this out.”

“Not interested,” Gabriel and the Devil announced.

Divines. Give an inch, and they’d take over the entire universe if permitted. “What about that whole bargain to stay with Darian each day? Isn’t this going to blow that out of the water?”

The Devil smirked. “I’ll leave him a set of clues, and I plan on teaching him some interesting tricks during another bargain I strike with him. He’ll get delightfully cranky with me over it, but he’ll cooperate, as I’ve accomplished my original goals with the first bargain. He’s seen you for how you are, and he likes what he sees. As he’s just like his father, he’ll pursue you to the ends of the Earth if needed.”

“Which father?”

“Both, really, although I meant Belial. Now, we do have a few things to discuss. Darian won’t awaken, so you can escape his clutches if you’d like. I expect your incubating lycanthropy virus is already attuning to him because he’s carrying the same strain. I expect you’ll put up a fight about leaving him now that you’ve had a chance to be around him for a while.”

“That’s not how the virus works.”

“It is with your strain. It’s more empathic in nature compared to the standard virus. This is in part due to the lack of animalistic genes guiding the virus’s behavior, so it’s relying on your perceptions of the world. It recognizes you enjoy spending time with Darian even when he annoys you. In turn, it recognizes Darian has a matching virus. The virus has always been linked with strains of the same type despite being individual to the host. As such, your viruses are perceiving safety in numbers and a general compatibility. They did some unusual alterations clearing out the animalistic DNA. A little magic, a little science—a lot of progress, truthfully. I’m quite impressed with the work they’ve done.” The Devil returned the ebolavirus Zaire sample and picked up a different one, a fungus I hadn’t recognized the name of and couldn’t spell let alone pronounce. “If they’d started with this instead of the lycanthropy virus, they would have changed—or destroyed—the world. Well, change is inevitable. The Earth would have balanced on a coin’s edge if they’d brought this one out.”

“What is that one? Beyond being a fungus.”

“Ophiocordyceps unilateralis,” the Devil announced. “It’s the ant zombie fungus. Essentially, the fungus infects ants with spores and gradually takes over the ant. Near the end stage of infection, the ant leaves the safety of its nest, goes somewhere favorable for the fungus, and is latched into place while the fungus eats its host before dispersing to take over new ants and continue spreading the infection. With some modifications, it’s possible for humans to become infected with this fungus. With the right scientists working for the wrong cause, it would be possible to control the fungus’s purpose and hijack the hijacker. I suspect this wasn’t chosen because nobody has found a preventative or cure for it yet. It doesn’t do much good if the controllers end up infected, right? With the blank lycanthropy virus, that’s not an issue. Lycanthropes make excellent fighters, so if the goal is to start a war, well, it would allow them to make an army rather quickly.”

Crap. The war angle made a lot of sense, especially since the planet couldn’t sustain billions of hungry lycanthropes. The planet could sustain a bunch of lycanthropes for a short period of time. Dooming them to be killed in some battle or another made a great deal of sense.