Page 6 of Catnapped

Well, I could guess Belial had a healthy interest in having another child, which left the archangel. I turned my attention to Raguel.

“As I don’t want my feathers plucked for a pillow, I do as the wife wants.”

Well, that left Claudine. “I don’t know much about you, but I want to be like you one day.”

She grinned. “I figured I had a choice in life to make: lead or follow. And while the view is spectacular when I follow those husbands of mine, I generally prefer holding their leashes and enjoying my power for the duration of my mortal life. I’ve been informed I’m not allowed to exit life any time soon, but they’re not clear on how mortality works. They’ve been trying to convince me we should have another brat for years, but this one refuses to fledge properly. He doesn’t live at home, mind you, but he visits every day and tries to pretend he’s just checking on his poor beleaguered mother. In reality, he knows if he takes his eye off me, I’ll probably show back up with a brother or sister he has to babysit when I have work. When I have work, the overprotective husbands like to hover. Do yourself a favor, Diana. Limit your number of husbands to one. One is bad enough to manage. Two? Two will drive you to the limits of your sanity. And while feathers are a perk of keeping an archangel around, he tends to get really fucking miffed when I start cursing like I really mean it.”

Raguel’s pained sigh made me grin before I said, “I’m thinking it isn’t the number of the men that’s causing you problems, but their type. A devilish general and an archangel sharing the same house? I’m honestly impressed the End of Days hasn’t started yet.”

“Me, too. I’ve gotten good at managing these two, but they test my patience some days. Today is one of those days. The amount of whining when Lucifer called! You would have thought the world was ending. Lucifer, asking us for a favor? Oh, no. Not a favor. Calling in the payback for a bargain.” Claudine turned her glare onto her son. “Darian, I still can’t believe you. I swear, if your father didn’t have issues with taking the whip to your ass, I’d be stealing from your uncle and giving you something to cry about.”

For a being without a head, Raguel did a damned fine job of snorting. I needed some alcohol and a chance to sit down and contemplate the nature of the shroud and how angels operated, their heads essentially located in a different dimension or plane of existence to keep mere mortals such as myself from being eradicated from an accidental peek. The book I had read left a great deal to the imagination.

Curiosity might one day become my undoing.

The Devil, probably in an effort to appease the irritated woman capable of reining in one of his generals and his brother, lifted his hands. “You wouldn’t have to steal the whip. I’m sure Darlene would loan you hers without complaint. She got it from Belial as a wedding gift. Just ask him to make you one. He delights in making his toys hurt more. I’m sure he’d find the appropriate balance for your son.”

Lucifer’s general chuckled. “To my amusement, Claudine has managed to maintain order with the boy through the artful use of a raised brow. We bred a smart one, and he knows not to push his mother’s buttons. He’s only gotten a spanking a few times, and Raguel holds the honor of being the one to dish out the punishment.”

“I just love how my entire family talks about me like I’m not here.” Darian met his mother’s glare with one of his own. “If my paternal idiots hadn’t been making themselves sick staying home for so long, I wouldn’t have had good reason to deal with the Devil. Blame them if you want to blame anybody. I made a good bargain, too.”

“He really did,” Lucifer agreed. “I’m quite proud of him. Darian is a good little nephew. It was a balanced bargain, and he set it up with the intent to keeping it balanced even throughout the negotiation process. Much like Diana here, he is very possessive of his soul, probably due to living most of his life under the same roof as two idiots and his mother. You can come home with me, Darian. Darlene would love to baby you for a while, and after dealing with your parents? My home would be fairly normal.”

I wondered who would die first at the hands of the disgruntled devilish general and archangel: Lucifer or Darian.

Claudine frowned, but after a moment, she shrugged. “Go ahead and take him. He’s a pain in the ass, he eats through money, and I’m wondering if Raguel was more of a voyeur than a participant in his conception. Did any of your genes actually make it to our son?”

Darian’s grin widened. “He’s the reason I did such a good job with the negotiations, Mother. Without his influences, I would have probably been just like Dad, super greedy and a lot selfish.”

Belial sighed. “I rule over ruin, not greed, you little shit. And how can you call me selfish? I share your mother.”

“You do share her, but there is so much bitching and complaining and moaning and groaning. And displays of jealousy you have over how she panicked and complicated everything by involving Father.”

“I really shouldn’t have panicked,” Claudine replied. “That said, I’m very pleased with how it worked out. Darian, stop trying to goad your dad into being annoyed with you. I realize you’re on the bandwagon for a sibling, but you do not need to instigate.”

Darian stared at his mother, and he raised a brow. “Whether you have another kid is none of my business, but when Dad and Father are happy because they made you happy, I’m happy, and my happiness is very important. Go home and be happy. I can handle the Devil on my own.”

I regretted my lack of popcorn. Would Darian emerge from challenging his mother unscathed? Would Raguel or Belial rescue their son from his imminent demise? Were all triads insane?

I’d never looked much into triads, especially the powerhouses between devils and archangels, more than the acknowledgment angels really liked getting it on—more than the CDC’s records liked to claim. The initial records claimed a few happened every generation.

In reality, it was every few years, and without fail, the offspring of triads caused many problems.

The Devil winked at me. “That’s Belial’s way of showing his affection. He’s a work in progress. I’ve found my generals become more effective once they’ve been corrupted by mortals a little. That whole love thing makes them so much more effective at punishing the fucking assholes and making sure they’re properly prepared for their eviction back to the mortal coil. Claudine’s corruptions are rather extensive, but she’s done good work with both these louts. I’ll play easy ball with you regarding the safeguarding of your cat. As your home is a mess, you must agree to allow me to handle the repairs and renovations, at my dime, and you must share living space with Darian until I have completely handled the repairs and renovations. To my standards.”

Well, as far as bargains went, the one the Devil offered could be much worse. My house would need a lot of work after the damage done to it. “Nothing weird, and you’re responsible for replacing any furniture that can’t be salvaged. Or you don’t want to salvage. I don’t care either way. Darlene has to approve all of the renovations and interior design purchases, and this place has to be suitable for business meetings, which I’m sometimes forced to host. Don’t lose me my job being a dick. Also, remember cats have a finite lifespan, and you must be finished within my cat’s natural lifespan. There will be no soul-stealing of my feline, as your sense of time is twisted due to your severe case of immortality.”

“How ruthless, bringing my wife into this.”

“You would turn my house into a sex dungeon and get me fired.” He’d also take decades doing the job because time bloomed in a rather different fashion for those who had an unlimited amount of it.

“I really would. Can I turn a room into a sex dungeon? You’d like it.”

“No.”

“How about your basement?”

“I live in Florida, where floods are real and happen yearly. I do not have a basement.”