Page 16 of Client from Hell

“I think I can handle agreeing to those terms. Enjoy your call.”

A door thumped closed, and a moment later, Diana giggled, “That’s his way of saying I need to stop working, and that he will be enforcing my off-work status through evening entertainment. He does not appreciate overtime unless it’s really important, so while he views my call with you to be important, I’m otherwise done for the day. You’ll have to get used to that—and you’ll have to be prepared to justify the overtime. That’s not a bad thing. You’ll learn to determine if something is actually important within a few months of working for him. So, where were we?”

“Finalizing this internship offer.”

“Right. Anyway, your education will be paid for until you’ve decided you’re done with being educated. He’s not hiring you for your degree. He’s hiring you for your intellect, work ethic, and drive. You could decide to stop pursuing your JD tomorrow, and he would still want you to intern for him. Any other requests?”

“No, I can’t think of anything assuming clothing, tech, and travel expenses are all covered like it says in these papers.”

“Meals will be covered, too. I’ll draw this up and check into Lucifer’s list of errands. If they seem sane enough, I’ll send them over so you can get to work once you’re out of the hospital until you end up back in there. But I wouldn’t worry too much about getting sick. Lucifer’s invested, and while he’ll allow the hospital to evaluate you to help establish treatment plans for future patients, you’re almost guaranteed survival, though I can’t promise you’ll emerge fully human once he’s done with you.”

“I’m already no longer fully human, Diana. I’m infected with lycanthropy.”

“Lycanthropes are humans. A disease doesn’t stop you from being human. That’s just what prejudice elitists say to make themselves feel superior. At heart, you’re still human. You just have a few extra advantages now.”

“Well, I have it in writing I won’t become a creepy-crawly, so I’m pretty happy with the situation. Am I allowed to counter the counteroffer?”

“You absolutely are, especially if you feel you’ve been low-balled. If you want to spend a few weeks haggling, do so.” Papers shuffled, and Diana chuckled. “Lucifer’s list of errands is a little ridiculous, but you should have fun. I have a note to send a card you can use for any purchases. I’m going to send Jonas with you for some of these, because I expect you’ll try to complete the entire list, and by the time you’re done with half of it, you’ll be exhausted. It’ll also keep Darlene off my back for a while. Remember, no is an allowed answer, and Jonas may be a jackass at times, but he respects consent. That’s part of why he starves. If you say no, that’s it. Succubi say no because they like the game and they want him to convince them to say yes. He doesn’t play those games with women. So, if you want him to pursue you, always reply maybe, because no means no and that’s that. That said, Jonas is a liar, a thief, and a whole bunch of other unsavory things, but the one thing he isn’t is a cheat. And don’t expect him to reform.”

“Diana, I’m training to become a professional shark out for the blood of other attorneys and the unwary. I’m literally educating myself on how to be paid to twist the truth to best benefit my client. He better watch himself with the thieving, because I’ll beat that out of him if he’s around me much.”

“Trust me, you’d be doing us all a favor. Last week, he stole Lucifer’s wallet and put it behind the milk in Darlene’s office—the emergency milk, which is usually only assaulted once every two or three weeks. The emergency milk had just been replaced.”

I frowned. “I’m not sure what the problem is.”

“Well, he stole Lucifer’s wallet.”

“Diana, he stole Lucifer’s wallet.”

“We’re using the same words in the same order, and for some reason, I feel like we have entirely different meanings to what we’re saying,” the Devil’s secretary admitted.

“That’s just amazing. He really stole Lucifer’s wallet and hid it behind his sister’s milk?”

“Yes. It was really childish.”

“It was really bold. I mean, we’re talking about Lucifer here.”

“I will acknowledge it was bold, but it was childish.”

“I don’t see a problem with people having fun at the Devil’s expense.”

Diana grunted. “I’ll acknowledge it was amusing until Lucifer needed his wallet for something important.”

“Well, where did he leave it that Jonas could get his hands on it?”

“On his desk.”

I grinned. “It sounds like Jonas was reminding the Devil he can’t leave important things out where anyone might wander by and take them.”

“While I’ll give you that, please don’t encourage Jonas. He targets panties, too.”

All right. I couldn’t figure out why an incubus who didn’t get laid often needed panties, and curiosity drove me into asking, “But what does he do with the panties?”

“He usually hangs them inappropriate places along with a note complaining about the general sexual frustration levels in the place. Apparently, we annoy him when we don’t get laid often enough.”

“So, you’re saying he’s trying to help in unconventional ways?”

“Basically.”