Page 20 of Client from Hell

Damn. Lucifer must have done a lot of adjustments to the poor incubus for him to potentially risk a guaranteed meal most nights of the week. “Just because they give me drugs through the fancy line attached to my arm doesn’t mean I’m not sober. I’m just a tiny bit high.”

Jonas glanced at the IV stand and its attached monitor. “You’re on morphine, Sandra.”

“Really? I feel like I should be much higher than I am if they have me on morphine. Damn. Honestly, I don’t feel impaired. Now, granted, the pain has been a beast, but it could be worse. Hell, it was worse before that lycanthrope decided to serve as my blood bank. For which I’m exceptionally grateful, by the way. I’d be dead right now without that lycanthrope.” Shrugging, I checked the sheet and handed it back to Jonas. “Seriously, I feel like I should counter this offer out of pure spite, but I don’t see anything wrong with this. I’m going to be compensated far better than entry-level attorneys with a new JD. This is more than fair.”

“I’ll put a note to compensate you for having to deal with a hungry incubus but otherwise leave the contract as is. Basically, I live to nag Lucifer, and this gives me an excuse to nag him.”

“Maybe you should be his intern?”

“According to him, my full-time job is to make sure I’m accessible for when my sister wants a hug. Really, I’m Darlene’s bitch, and I do whatever she needs. I’m like an office gopher who rarely has to actually work, so I entertain myself cooking and handling things in the kitchen and around the house. I’m not sure if that was one of Lucifer’s nicer adjustments, but I’ve grown to actually enjoy a lot of domestic things. Gardening in hell isn’t precisely simple, but I whined until I got a greenhouse. Now my greenhouse is one part greenhouse and one part aviary. I’m the only one right now having any success getting an endangered bird species to breed in captivity. I’m not even cheating. I just got a little overenthusiastic and grew every native plant I could find and gave them a mansion in Lucifer’s mansion.”

“You garden?”

“It fills the time, and I find it to be calming. Hungry demons need calming activities, and it turns out gardening is my calming activity, and I love all things tomatoes. I hope you like tomatoes, because I’m overwhelmed with tomato plants.”

I eyed the incubus with interest. “I do like tomatoes, especially when they’re transformed into sauce or chili. You lie and steal, but you cook and garden. I am going to need disclosure about your other bad habits.”

“I lie and steal a lot. I have itchy fingers and a prankster’s heart. Frankly, I’m morally and ethically twisted on a good day. I’m terrible husband material.”

“But do you clean?”

“That depends on if I’m being paid in sex,” he admitted.

I considered my choices, which involved a bad husband that cleaned or more lonely nights and inevitable continuation of my virginity on grounds of being too lazy to go get laid. When I considered the downsides, was he really that bad of a husband? “I have no tolerance for domestic violence, and I will carve parts off any man I’m in a relationship with that even tries that shit. Consider yourself warned.”

“I don’t cheat or abuse my partners. Usually, I’m the therapy plan for abused women, so I’m more likely to pamper you to a near-death state than actually hurt you. Well, sprains during vigorous engagements are possible.”

I pointed at the papers. “Give me those damned things, give me a pen, and I’m handwriting a note that until further notice, you’re my bitch. Darlene will just have to go find another bitch.”

Jonas snorted, but he handed me the papers and a pen. “I’m not sure a man who doesn’t condone violence against his partner should be a foundational point for a long-term relationship.”

“Obviously, you haven’t investigated domestic violence rates, Jonas. I have. Use your phone and have a peek while I sign these and add an addendum that this contract is dependent on you becoming my bitch.”

With a frown and furrowed brows, Jonas pulled a phone out from his pocket and tapped at the screen. While he researched domestic violence rates, I signed the papers, and on the back of the copy meant for Lucifer, I declared Jonas was now my bitch and that Darlene would need to find a replacement bitch, although she could borrow him for hugs as needed to keep the whining to a minimum. Once done, I showed him my addendum. “Think this will work?”

“I’m pretty sure this confirms you’re rather high from your medications. My name is Jonas, not Darlene’s bitch—or even formerly Darlene’s bitch. At least use my name if you’re going to turn me into your property.”

I frowned, and then I put a star beside every reference to Darlene’s bitch and wrote Jonas with a matching star beneath it. “Do you have a last name?”

“For purposes of that document, I think you’ve established the identity of Darlene’s bitch well enough.” Jonas sighed at his phone. “Considering these numbers, I admit I might be convinced to make similar bargains and demands in your situation. It’s just safer not to date, isn’t it?”

“It’s really not. I’m debating corporate law or representing domestic violence and rape victims. The domestic violence and rape cases are hard. The prosecution always tries to paint the woman as deserving to be raped or abused.”

“Lucifer abhors abusers and rapists, and he works on those fucking assholes when he’s in his worst mood. You’ll find if Lucifer is matchmaking, you’re being set up with someone who lacks those tendencies.”

“Says the incubus who can control someone’s desire.”

Jonas chuckled. “I can turn you on, but you ultimately decide if you act. We do not take free will away—we just do a damned good job of making humans want to jump the nearest person for a good time. A human always has the ability to walk away and say no. Most just don’t make that decision. Once you’re recovered, if you’d like to be influenced to see how good you are at resisting temptation, I’m happy to oblige. I won’t even act on the opportunity, although I’ll immensely enjoy you begging me to change my mind.”

Oh. Nice. “What do I get for resisting you?”

“Nothing, which is why resisting is so difficult. All you get from resisting me is disappointment.”

I scowled. “Should I resist you successfully, you will cook dinner for me using things from your garden. I like most meats, but I don’t like weird organs.”

“And what do I get if you don’t resist?”

“Fed.” I engaged him in a staring contest, raising a brow. “Aren’t virgins delicious treats to a fine incubus such as yourself?”