Page 30 of Client from Hell

On the second ring, Lucifer answered, “You have your own phone, my little spicy pony with bite.”

Huh. I liked the name, and I would make no comment regarding it beyond a single grunt to acknowledge he’d gotten me good. “I forgot I had a phone that actually works,” I admitted. “And Jonas was right there with his. Jonas? Can you help find my phone and my tablet? We’ll probably need it for the outing.”

The incubus bounced off to do my bidding, and I chuckled at his antics. “Anyway, sorry about that. I had a question about the kittens. Jonas said you hadn’t given instructions on how to handle them. I need instructions, or I’ll have a kitten-fueled meltdown, especially knowing they’re ill.”

“They’re infected with lycanthropy, and the individuals who infected them with lycanthropy are trying to infect the general populace. You weren’t given instructions because I’ll be picking them up shortly after you acquire them.”

I sucked in a breath. “The kittens have lycanthropy?”

“Yes, that is what I said.”

“You’re not going to hurt them, are you?”

“Of course not. I’m going to take them to a lycanthrope vet and put them in the appropriate new home so they don’t infect any unsuspecting humans. If you like any of the kittens, you may keep one or two. They’ll need special homes, and they’ll be happy enough in your residence here in hell.”

“I have a residence in hell?” I blurted.

“You do now. Diana helped me design it, and we’ve been keeping ourselves busy. You may even keep your bed buddy at your residence, although I do ask you return him every now and then so his sister can get her hugs.”

I shouldn’t have been surprised that my inclination to keep Jonas as a bed buddy had made its way to Lucifer. “You can even take him back whenever you need therapy, although I’ve been told I’ll be a depressed lycanthrope once he purges the virus.”

“I’m working on converting a pair of hellish therapists. This time, I’ll couple an incubus and a succubus who will be mostly monogamous with a willingness to handle the therapy cases. That’ll let them do group therapy as required, and hungry incubi and succubi do not care how many people are involved when they’re desperate to feed. Don’t tell Jonas this, but he got the short end of the stick because he had to pay his dues from his mortal life. He no longer owes any payment, so it’s time to kick his ass out of the nest and let him get on with having a proper demonic life. One where he doesn’t mope around my house and cause me trouble. If I do require him for therapy and he needs to purge your virus, you’ll be compensated—as will he. Honestly, I doubt he’ll pan out as a therapist again, but he’ll have to learn this on his own. I expect the first time he tries, after purging the virus, he’ll be unable to follow through.” Lucifer chuckled. “And, of course, because you’re you, you’ll be a pain in the ass before accepting him back as your bed buddy, even if he doesn’t sleep with another woman. I encourage this, because that boy still has some growing up to do, and you’re not his mother.”

Yep, I foresaw a great number of battles waged between Lucifer and Jonas. “He’s to be a bed buddy, which means I’m not responsible for encouraging any responsibility outside of what goes on in my bedroom. If you want to cultivate responsibility, I recommend you hire a therapist for him. That person is not me. But, as you’ve been poking your nose in my business regarding my bed buddy, you can pay me extra for keeping your little brother-in-law fed once I’m cleared to obtain a bed buddy. Which won’t be for a while. Jonas says he’ll check how I’m doing in another week or two. Right now, I’m a mess.”

“A little hunger won’t hurt him, but I’ll keep that in mind. Paying you off is a small price for lessened whining in my house.”

“Does my new residence have a greenhouse?”

“No, it doesn’t.”

“If you expect my bed buddy to stay at a residence other than yours, you’re going to have to provide motivation for the bed buddy to stay elsewhere. That means he needs a greenhouse. You can make it as an attachment or give me a nice, pleasant walkway or something so he can go to his greenhouse. There also needs to be a good kitchen to accommodate his cooking ways. Make sure there are a few spare bedrooms for the nights my bed buddy isn’t game for being a bed buddy, because bed buddies need their own rooms. We’re bed buddies, not a couple. I’m feeding him with the expectation of being paid in general satisfaction and frequent bed warming.”

Jonas snickered, shook his head, and brought my phone and tablet to me. “You just lit a fire under Lucifer’s ass, by the way. That is never going to sit well with him. He might be a fallen angel, but he’s still an angel, and he doesn’t understand long-term sex hookups.”

“Yet he creates sex demons.”

“You’d have to ask him about that. I just accept what I can’t change, and I’ve accepted he makes zero sense when it comes to his matchmaking ways.”

I snickered. “Lucifer, I’ve been informed that you are unfamiliar with the concept of a loveless sex hookup. He has a problem, I have a problem, his problem solves my problem, my problem solves his problem. Thus, I get a bed buddy, and I don’t have to worry about caring for a man. This one will just show up when he’s needed, and he’ll go away when he’s no longer needed and do whatever it is incubi do when they’re fed and don’t need to hunt.”

“That one gardens, complains when things aren’t orderly, and annoys me.”

“And hides your wallet behind your wife’s milk.”

Lucifer sighed. “And hides my wallet behind my wife’s milk. I was hoping you’d become a grounding influence for him.”

“Sure. I can do that. When he’s not grouchy because he’s hungry all the time, and he has a stable food source who isn’t going to be wandering off to work a brothel, he might be more inclined to do what you want. Your problem is simple. You allowed him to become bored, and you gave him an opportunity to do something about his boredom. You don’t need to find him a wife to solve your problems. Is there anything else I need to know about these errands we’re about to go run?”

“I guess you’re not going to take the buy wedding rings portion of the trip seriously, are you?”

“I don’t have to marry him to drag him to bed and do whatever I want with him. Why would I marry him? Be serious, Lucifer. I thought you appreciated when people lived in sin.”

“Not when I’m trying to hook them up on a permanent basis.”

“Question. Do you know what a spicy pony with bite is, by the way?”

“Honestly, I have no idea, but I can’t wait to find out. The last time He got involved like this, He created Darlene. And if you are to Jonas as Darlene is to me, Jonas will have the ride of his life ahead of him. Do yourself a favor, Sandra. Have fun with him. If a bed buddy for life is what you really want, who am I to argue with you? But as I’ve learned from my little kitty, when He meddles, He tends to make His creations particularly jealous. Take him as a bed buddy if you want, but be honest. Will you want to let him go once you have him?”