Page 68 of Client from Hell

Lucifer scowled, but he nodded. “Letting Jonas do whatever he wants to you for three weeks is probably a life-threatening situation, truth be told. Incubi can get unreasonable at times, and he’s repressed. Well, formerly repressed. Right now, he’s just anxious, and well, incubi resolve anxiety through doing what they do best. I really did a great job when I made him. He’s so anxious he’s set off half the layer, which is a pretty damned good power display. If I keep him fretting for a few more days, he’ll remind all of the residents I made him—and I made him well. At the rate he’s going, he’s going to turn my many hells into quite the party. Then he’ll be even crankier because he’s taken and won’t participate in the party unless you’re there.”

“That’s a little evil,” I admitted. “On all counts. Can’t you give Jonas a break?”

“Why would I? The bastard hid my wallet behind my wife’s milk.”

“You deserved it, I’m sure. Just like you deserved having to rebuild your mini mansion.” I slumped in my seat. “You weren’t supposed to find out about the arson thing, because everyone kept telling me you are obsessed with the arsonist. But then I kept feeling guilty because you’re not nearly as terrible as I thought. I don’t like feeling guilty.”

“Well, yes. Most people have more sense than to burn down my house. The guilt is because you have a good nature. I’ll try to help you get over some parts of it, but really, that’s part of why I picked you. Anyway, you got exactly what you deserved. Burning down my house is asking to go to hell. In your case, you’ll get there through conversion and teleportation, but it amounts to the same thing. But, knowing what I know about you, and knowing how many of your buttons were pushed in the courthouse, I should have at least considered you might be a suspect. I thought you were a clever human, not that you were a practitioner with ridiculously refined skills. In truth, I was more impressed you recovered as quickly as you did and tolerated the unexpected bullshit flung your way.”

“So much bullshit,” I muttered.

The Devil chuckled and nodded. “The amount of bullshit you contended with in that courtroom was absurd, and I was only a fraction of the absurdity. For the record, the attorney who tossed you to the wolves did so hoping you would crack, as he doesn’t appreciate women working as attorneys. He intended to lie about your general performance to your school, but I put an end to that. I may have hinted honesty was the best policy, and I would be submitting my own report about the performance of the student seeking a legal degree.” Shrugging, Lucifer hopped to his feet and headed for the door. “I earned you lighting that match. I tested you, and you stood steady. It isn’t a sin to ask for mercy in the face of an impossible obstacle, either. Your cancer was one such obstacle. Requesting mercy isn’t a sin. You didn’t want to suffer, and you were already suffering. Your rationale, by that point, was likely halfway to the grave along with the parts of your brain the cancer had killed, but you had the right idea. You just got a different solution than you bargained for.”

No kidding. “Why aren’t you smiting my ass and taking me to hell, anyway?”

Halting at the entry to the kitchen, the Devil regarded me with a raised brow. “I’m taking you to hell, and I get to annoy you every day for your long life. I know my heavenly father well. He would make you a species as long lived as my darling’s brother, which means you’ll outlive my unicorns by at least a thousand years. Incubi simply don’t age out of their prime, although they can be killed. They’re not immortal in that sense, but they’re as close as it gets. That’s why my darling is a succubus. He wanted to make sure she would endure until even the End of Days. He can be a sentimental fool at times.”

“Pot,” I accused.

“I can be, but let’s keep that a little secret between us.”

“Anyone who knows you already knows.”

“You are a cruel spicy pony with bite.”

“The words ‘spicy pony with bite’ imply something other than sparkles and farting rainbows, Lucifer.”

“I’m telling my wife, and she’ll love you even more, and then you’ll never be able to escape my clutches,” he warned, before heading out to retrieve the documentation from the SUV.

I debated trying to make a run for it, but after some careful consideration, I determined if the forces of hell didn’t hunt me down and take me back, the meddling forces of heaven would.

Sixteen

How could otters be a problem?

The Devil grilled me about my short stay at the lab, grabbed the route I’d taken from the SUV’s navigation system, and teleported away, leaving me to investigate my mountain of stolen paperwork and skim through their research. The research went right over my head, although I did my best to record the primary subject, separate the pages of each study, and make a list of what the fucking assholes had been working on.

They had twenty pages dedicated to me, including their sources. The CDC’s records made up the bulk of the information, although they’d gotten a hold of my college transcript. To my relief, there was no mention of my parents.

Had my parents become a target, I would have been on a quest to determine if a spicy pony with bite could tear down the entire operation.

“Don’t think things like that,” the Devil complained from behind me. “When you think things like that, I think it’s a good idea. Can a spicy pony with bite tear down the entire operation? Honestly, I’d love nothing more than if you stole the show.” Sitting down at the table, he snorted, and according to the trail of smoke coming from his nostrils, something had tripped his trigger.

I needed to leash the Devil—or put a bell around his neck so he stopped sneaking up behind me. Once my heart ceased its attempts to escape my chest and run away, I asked, “What has you worked up?”

“I know who they were dissecting in that lab.”

Fuck. That Lucifer might know the victim hadn’t crossed my mind. “I’m really sorry I sprayed him down with the fire extinguisher.”

“He would have found your murder method absolutely hilarious. He was a vampire out of Chicago, and I’m not looking forward to notifying his maker about what had happened to his child. This just became a great deal more complicated, as I’ll need to work with the underground in Chicago now on this case. This is a problem because of the otters.”

Wait. The otters? How could otters be a problem? “Why are my otters a problem?” I demanded.

“Your otters aren’t a problem. The problem is that the vampire in charge of the Chicago brood is very fond of an otter shapeshifter and his mate, who is a badger. As this lab is studying otters, and has been for a while, he might be a target. We need to find out if they’re being hunted. That pair goes undercover often, working for the FBI as agents. If they’re undercover, we’re going to have to get them out of whatever they’re working on and back to Chicago or somewhere safe. We can’t afford for the vampire brood out of Chicago to go on a rampage. Having the vampire as an ally isn’t a bad thing, but he will take it too far, and if he involves his allies, we’re going to have problems.”

I found it interesting Lucifer refused to tell me the names of the vampire or the undercover FBI agents. “Can you give me an idea of what sort of problems we’ll have?”

“The kind where the Chicago vampires rise up and start slaughtering anyone with any form of connection to these labs. There would be a lot more bodies than what we’re currently producing, which would put the vampires in the line of fire. The Chicago brood is on the verge of earning their souls back, and it’ll set my plans back for decades if this operation undoes my hard work.”