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“Ethan, that’s ridiculous. You fuck up less than anyone I know. ” I reach for his hand, squeeze it. “But you’re not perfect. Nobody is. ”
He looks from me to the broken belly chain that he still has clutched in his hand. “Yeah, obviously I’m not perfect. ”
I bite my lip, look away. “Why did you say those things, Ethan? Why did you break up with me over something that has nothing to do with us?”
He watches me for long seconds, his eyes so dark and miserable that I can barely stand to look into them. I’ve never seen Ethan like this, never seen him look so defeated. So destroyed.
Finally, when I’m certain he’s not going to answer me, he says, “I’ve only ever loved a few people in my life, Chloe, and I’ve fucked it up with all of them. In one stupid, spiteful moment I ruined everything between my father and me, and he died before I could fix it. ”
“That wasn’t your fault. ”
“You don’t know that. My grandparents lost everything trying to help me achieve my dream of getting Frost Industries off the ground. And I let them. I didn’t know what they’d done, but I should have. They died before I could make it up to them.
“My brother. I’ve helped my mother ruin him without even knowing what I was doing.
“And now there’s you. And I’m terrified I’m going to destroy you, too. ”
There’s not much I can say to that after the scene I made here tonight. I still don’t like the way he handled things and I’m still hurt
that his first thought was to cut me out of his life. But if he thought he was protecting me, saving me from some ridiculous streak of bad luck, then I can forgive him. God knows I’m not exactly logical when it comes to the people I love, either.
My meltdown tonight being a perfect example of that.
“The only way you’re going to destroy me is if you cut yourself off from me. I freaked out tonight because I was already upset, Ethan. Already worried about you because you’d stopped calling and answering my texts. I was afraid you’d been hurt or gotten sick. Then when you treated me like that…it was like you were throwing me away. Like I didn’t matter to you any more than I mattered to those guys from high school.
“I’m not saying you have to stay with me forever. None of us knows what’s going to happen next week or next month or next year. But if you decide to leave again—”
“I won’t. ”
I shake my head, refusing to let him get away with such shortsightedness. “If you decide things aren’t working out, all I ask is that you break things off in a reasonable way. I don’t need much, but a little compassion would be nice. Something that proves to me that I’m something more than some girl you picked up to fuck for a weekend. ” My voice breaks and I turn away, taking a few deep breaths as I try to get myself under control.
“Don’t even say that, Chloe. ” Ethan is up and in my face again, where he’s been pretty much from the moment I met him. “You’re not some girl. You’re the only girl. The only one who’s ever mattered to me. The only one who ever will. ”
“You don’t know that. ” I unconsciously echo his earlier words. But the truth is neither of us knows what’s going to happen. Not tomorrow and certainly not six months or a year from now.
“I do. I do know exactly that. ” He takes my hand, presses it to his lips. “I just got confused and let all the shit in my head get out of control. It won’t ever happen again. ”
I want to believe him. Of course I do. But I don’t know if I can. There’s more than what he’s telling me. I can sense it, feel it, and I don’t want to be blindsided by it again. Don’t want him to push me away the next time it comes up and he can’t deal.
But at the same time, it’s not like I have room to talk. There are some pretty big things I haven’t told him about my past, either. And while someday I hope I can, I know this isn’t the right time. For either of us. Not when the wounds from tonight are still so fresh, so raw. Not when we’re both still so vulnerable and shaky.
I’m still shocked at how easy it was for me to completely fall apart. I thought I was better. I wanted to be better. Now I don’t know if I can trust myself, let alone Ethan. And I hate that I feel that way.
But we’ve only known each other a couple of weeks, only been together less than that. There’s no rule, no timeline, about when we have to parade all our scars to each other. Maybe it’s enough that we’re trying. That we’re getting there, slowly.
“I’m scared,” I tell him.
“I know, baby. I know. ”
“Please. Don’t hurt me like this again. ”
His eyes are raw with a pain I don’t understand and can’t connect to. “I never want to hurt you again. In any way. ” They aren’t the words I asked for, aren’t the words I want to hear. But combined with the tender, desperate look in his eyes, they’re enough.
He reaches for me then, pulls me up and into his arms, and I go. Of course I go. Because he’s Ethan and he’s mine, the same way that I’m his. Absolutely. Unconditionally. Irrevocably.
It’s not perfect. Not yet. And maybe it never will be. But as he leans down and takes my mouth with his own, it’s more than enough. For me. For him. For us.
Epilogue
