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“Maybe this is normal for you. Maybe you sleep with a woman one day and then ignore her at work the next, but I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to do any of this—”
“Normal for me? You think any part of this situation is normal for me?” He grabs me by the upper arms then, his fingers gentle but insistent as he once again waits for me to look him in the eye.
“Isn’t it?”
“No, goddamnit, it isn’t! I don’t date women that I work with. You know that.”
“You dated me.”
“Because I couldn’t not date you. From the moment you walked up to me at that damn juice bar, I was completely bowled over by you. The way you stood up to me, the way you refused to cave to my demands, the way when—after you’d won—you took a sip of that stupid fucking blueberry smoothie, just to be fair. Just because I’d wanted you to. How could I not fall for you, Chloe?” He whispers the last, and now his hands are in my hair, his mouth inches from mine. “How could I not want you?”
“You ignored me. All day today. You looked through me like I wasn’t even there.”
“I thought that’s what you wanted.”
“Why would I want that?”
“You broke up with me. You told me being with me made you think of Brandon, of what he did to you. How did you think I would react to that?”
“I don’t know, but I didn’t think you’d punish me.”
“Punish you?” He tugs on my hair, pulls me even closer to him. “I’m not trying to punish you, baby. I’m trying not to hurt you anymore. If you could have seen yourself that morning … If you could have seen what being near him did to you—”
“I’m sorry if I didn’t react the right way, Ethan. I wasn’t exactly expecting to open the door and see my rapist standing there!”
“Don’t you think I know that? Don’t you think I beat myself up every day, every night, for letting that happen to you? For letting him anywhere near you? And then you stand in that fucking parking lot and tell me that I remind you of him? That you look at me and see him?
“What did you think I was going to do with that, baby? What did you think that was going to do to me? To us? You’ve already suffered so much in your life. If walking away from you means I could stop just a little bit of that pain, if it means I could keep you from being hurt any more, do you think I wouldn’t do it?
“I would do anything for you, Chloe, even sit in a room with you all day and pretend I’m not dying to touch you.”
Chapter Nine
Ethan’s words hang in the air between us, and for long seconds I can’t move, can’t think, can’t breathe. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted to hear, everything I’ve needed to hear. That someone loves me. That they put me first. That they care about me. Just me.
The only boyfriend I ever had before Ethan tried to bet my virginity in a poker game.
My parents sold my silence after I was raped for the capital to start their business.
The people I thought were my friends turned on me the second Brandon told them to.
I’ve never been enough. Never been good enough, never been important enough for anyone to choose me first.
Except Ethan. Ethan chose me weeks ago and I was too hurt, too blind to see it. And he’s choosing me again, right here, right now, if only I’m strong enough to let him. If only I’m strong enough to choose him back.
I want to be strong enough.
For a moment, just a moment, Brandon’s face hovers in front of my vision. Eyes flashing, skin flushed, lips curled in a sneer as he calls me a slut, orders me to give it up. As he tells me I owe him for the ride home.
I can still remember the weight of his hand on my mouth, the feel of his fingers fumbling beneath my skirt, ripping my underwear, shoving inside of me.
I can still remember what song was on the radio and how heavy he was on top of me and the way his breath smelled like butterscotch and beer as he slammed his mouth down on mine.
I can still remember everything. Every moment. Every detail. I can still remember how he looked at me when he was done, like I was nothing. Less than nothing.
And when I tried to speak, my parents told me the same thing. That I was nothing compared to him, that his lawyers would annihilate me in court. That I didn’t stand a chance of making him pay unless I signed the non-disclosure agreement. Unless I let them take the cash his family threw at us like confetti.
I’ve spent the last five years feeling like the trash he made me. Feeling like the nothing my parents told me I was. Feeling like the slut Brandon accused me of being.
