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He takes a brutally big sip of the coffee, then grimaces when he obviously burns his tongue.
“This isn’t what I want,” he says after a minute.
“I never said it was what you wan
t, just that it isn’t as big a shock as you’re telling yourself it is.”
“Fuck.”
He sits down at my kitchen table, then slumps over, his head in his hands. He doesn’t say anything for several long, interminable seconds.
When he finally does speak, his voice is muffled. “I’m not Garrett. The whole self-sacrificing for Wildemar thing doesn’t come naturally to me.”
And there it is. The root of all this angst. I don’t know why I’m surprised, considering I figured we’ve been heading here all along. My heart trembles in my chest and my throat closes up, but I force the words out anyway. “You know, you don’t have to worry about me making waves. That’s not who I am.”
He stares at me for long seconds. “What does that even mean?”
“I just…when you have to end things, I won’t make a fuss. I—”
“Is that what you think?” He’s up and around the table in a flash, his hands gripping my biceps as he hauls me toward him. “That I’m going to dump you for Wildemar?”
“This isn’t about me. I was just—”
“You just made it about you. Actually, you made it about us.” He studies my face. “Have you been waiting for me to drop you all along?”
“No!” I force the word out my suddenly dry mouth. Because yes, of course I have. His Royal Hotness may hook up with a bartender/waitress/writer from America, but he sure as hell doesn’t get himself in it for the long haul. I learned that lesson a long time ago.
“Fuck, you have!” He drops his hands then and backs away from me like he can’t stand to touch me. “I can’t fucking believe this! All this time I’ve been falling in love with you and you’ve just been waiting for me to walk?”
“It’s what people do, Kian.”
His eyes blaze into mine. “What people do or what I do?”
I don’t know what to say to that because, shit. Just…shit. “You have to admit. Your reputation—”
“Fuck my reputation! Fuck what everybody says about me. I’ve been completely honest with you from the first day we met, which is way more than you can say.”
I don’t answer, because I can’t. He’s right.
Kian recognizes my silence for what it is. “Jesus, Savvy, what have I done to give you such a low opinion of me? All this time I’ve just been trying to love you. What the hell have you been doing?”
“Trying not to love you.” The words burst from me before I can stop them.
They hit him like a blow, have him physically recoiling from me. “Why the hell are we even together, then?” he asks after a minute.
I don’t answer him. I can’t. Not when he’s looking at me like I just shattered his whole world.
“I don’t deserve this,” he tells me. “I’ve been as honest with you as I have ever been with anyone and I don’t deserve you doubting me like this.”
“What do you expect? You—”
“I expect the benefit of the fucking doubt! I’m not Garrett. You’re not my dirty little secret.”
“You sure about that?”
“Excuse me?”
“What have you ever done to make me think I’m not your dirty little secret?” The words come from deep inside me, from a place I didn’t even know I was harboring them.
