Page 83 of Heart of Night and Fire

He paused.

“Or hoped,” he added quietly.

“You don’t want this?” Zarya asked, picking up the despondency in his words.

“I’ve never wanted this. I’ll be tied to the queen, never able to have a life of my own. I become hers in mind and soul.”

Zarya swallowed a lump in her throat. “But then why was Yasen so angry when he caught us kissing at the peri anada? I thought it was because you were cheating on her.”

Vikram’s green eyes shone. “When I say I belong to her in every way, I mean that even my body is not my own. I am to remain celibate. Never to marry. Never to touch a woman in that way. I can never be the husband anyone deserves. While we aren’t married in the traditional sense, this promise to each other amounts to the same thing.”

“Oh,” Zarya breathed. “I… see.”

His shoulders slumped even further as he nodded. “When Rani Vasvi dies, I will spend the rest of my very long, nearly immortal life essentially married to a tree, expected to serve her and help solidify the role of rakshasas in Daragaab.”

Vikram appeared on the edge of tears, and the hardness of her posture softened.

“Why did you lie to me, then? What happens if you break your celibacy?”

“Because you overwhelmed me, Zarya. That day in the swamp, when you jumped out to try to rescue us from the nagas, you were so sure of yourself. You’d spent a lifetime sheltered from the world, but nothing scared you. Without a moment’s thought, you put yourself in danger for two complete strangers.”

Vikram took a small step closer. “For many years, I have avoided getting close to anyone I might develop feelings for, knowing my future. I understood it, and I was resigned to it, but I hadn’t counted on you blowing into my life. And it was selfish, but for a moment, I wanted happiness. I wanted to be with someone who made me feel something. Who might deign to choose me. Who I might at least get the chance to fall in love with.”

There was so much passion in his voice that she found herself starting to sympathize with his situation.

“Who also didn’t understand or know about your previous… commitments,” Zarya added pointedly.

A blush of guilt colored his face. “I admit I took advantage of that fact,” he said. “But I swear that wasn’t why. It was you, Zarya.”

She wanted to believe him. Wanted to believe that he’d been so enamored with her that he’d nearly abandoned his duty. It would have been just like one of her books, but those always had happy endings, and she didn’t see how this could possibly end in anything but heartache.

“I’m sorry—I lost myself. I pushed aside everything, focusing only on what I wanted. I thought if you knew the truth, you wouldn’t want to get to know me. You didn’t deserve that, and I’ll regret it forever.

“As for what happens to me if I break my vow, I’d bring untold shame on myself and my family and possibly lose my position.”

He reached for Zarya’s arm, but he stopped and let his hand fall to his side.

“I have an older brother,” Vikram continued, turning away again, his eyes once again focused in the distance. “This was supposed to be his destiny. Not mine. But he disappeared many years ago. We were never close, but I’ve never understood how he could walk away from his duty. How he could just leave me here to face this alone. One day I will see him again and—” He broke off, overcome with emotion, his eyes shining in the moonlight.

Anger, hurt, and confusion flashed in his expression. The anguish of loss and knifing family betrayal. Despite everything, Zarya found herself wanting to comfort him.

“What I do know is I don’t measure up to my brother in any way my father deems worthy, even now. This arrangement is the only way I’ve ever been useful to him, so perhaps I should be grateful.”

Vikram’s expression softened. “Of course, none of this is your concern or your fault. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to cause you any hurt. You deserve to be with someone worthy of you. Someone who is free to love you openly.”

They both fell silent again.

“What about Amrita? Does this hurt her?”

Vikram rubbed a hand down his face. “I’m not really sure, to be honest. We’re friends and have been for a long time, but that’s all. We don’t share those kinds of feelings and we never have.”

Zarya nodded. “Okay. Thank you for telling me.”

“Thank you for hearing me out. It is more than I deserve.”

“I haven’t forgiven you yet.”

He dipped his chin. “Of course. I understand. Please enjoy the estate. The gardens are a wonder to behold when you get a chance to explore them.”