Page 92 of Dance of Stars and Ashes

Not saying anything, Zarya walked past and to her little bedroom at the back of the house. She ran her hands over the dusty bookshelves, visiting her oldest and most loyal friends. On the bed was the rumpled black salwar kameez with stars she had worn her last night on the beach, waiting for Row and Aarav never to return.

Sinking to the floor, she leaned against the bed, her arms braced on her knees and her head tipping back. A tear funneled from the corner of her eye, slipping down her cheek as she spiraled into the memories of the past.

The heaviness squeezed her ribs until it felt like they’d collapse under the weight.

She hated this place. No matter what pockets of comfort this room and her books had brought her over the years, they had been only a bandage over an open wound. This had been her cage, nothing more. She sniffed and rubbed her nose with the back of her hand.

“Why are you crying?” came a soft voice, and she looked up to find Row hovering in the doorway.

“Why shouldn’t I be crying?”

He came in and sat on a chair in the corner with a weighty sigh.

“Zarya, I will forever regret the choices I made in regard to your upbringing. I should have been honest with you, at the very least. You deserved that much.”

“Yes, I did. I deserved a lot more than that.”

He nodded, and she’d never seen him look so… worn. “I hope one day you’ll find some way to forgive me. Seeing how you’ve grown in such a short time, I realize how much I underestimated you. How much I didn’t understand who you are. But you’re just like your mother. Strong and brave, and scared of absolutely nothing. She would have loved you to her very core.”

Zarya caught the wistful expression in his eyes that seemed to burn with a thousand haunted memories of her loss. He really had loved her.

“As you grew up, you began to resemble her so much. There were days I could hardly look at you. It hurt. It was a constant reminder of the woman I’d lost.”

She opened her mouth to reply when Row raised his hand.

“None of that was your fault. Not one moment of that was your doing. I knew that, but I was heartbroken, and I am ashamed. I thought too much of myself and too little of you. I’m sorry, Zarya. I’m so sorry.”

The warmth of tears ran down her face, and she let them fall.

“Thank you for telling me that. I’m not ready to forgive you, though.

“But I am trying,” she added, softer.

He dipped his chin. “I understand. I will do whatever is in my power to show I am worthy of your forgiveness. I know it will take time, but know this is my greatest wish for us. For you.”

He slapped his knees and then pushed himself up, giving her one final lingering look before he walked out. Zarya flopped her head back against the bed, looking at the ceiling. Between Aarav, Row, and Rabin, there were a lot of apologies and personal reckonings going on in her life. This was getting exhausting.

The tiny room suddenly became cloying and oppressive, and she got up, stalking back through the living room.

Zarya headed outside and into the garden where she’d spent so many hours. She stood at the water’s edge, staring at the sea. How often had she fantasized about diving into it and swimming to freedom?

An echo of time found its way into her subconscious. That night when she’d ruined Aarav’s life, too. She still heard the screams of Aarav’s friends as Row hunted them down. Why had Row deemed her worthy of such protection? Because he loved her mother? Maybe a part of her hoped that he loved Zarya, too.

Suddenly, that mattered for the first time in her life.

The evening was starting to cool, and she wrapped her arms around herself as the wind tossed her hair. She closed her eyes and inhaled the smell of the sea. This had always been one joy she could cling to.

Zarya dropped onto the sand, wiping her eyes.

Someone came up behind a moment later, wrapping a blanket around her shoulders.

Rabin sat down beside her. “I thought you might not want to sleep in there tonight.”

“That… was very thoughtful,” she said, realizing it was the quilt from her bed.

“I can be very thoughtful,” he said, and she snorted.

“I hope you brought something to drink, though.”