Page 142 of Queen of Shadows and Ruin

She shook her head as her expression crumpled. “I swear to you that I didn’t. Kishore was the only one he took into his confidence. Had I known…”

“What?” Rabin asked. “Had you known, would you have warned me?”

Ekaja blinked. “I’m… not sure.”

Rabin exhaled a derisive sound that burned the back of his throat. “I’m the fool,” he answered. “I was a fool ever to trust any of you.”

“Rabin—”

“I don’t want to hear it right now,” he said with a wave of his hand.

“He gave me my life when no one else would!” she shouted. “You know what that’s like. You know how he is. He would have tossed me out!”

He heard the plea in her voice. He heard that little girl who had been half-starving in the streets when Abishek found her and then molded her into his personal soldier.

“I do know,” Rabin said softly. “But I would have chosen you. You’re the only real friend I’ve ever had, and I would have chosen you.”

Her expression twisted into shame and guilt, but he refused to feel sorry for her.

Forcing himself to turn away, he addressed Zarya and the others.

“We must leave. Gather some food for the journey, and we’ll be on our way.”

“I’ll come with you,” Ekaja shouted at his back. “Let me help you.”

He peered over his shoulder. “You have no army. The king left the city vulnerable when he knew what was coming. You are all Andhera has left. Stay here and protect the city. There’s no reason these people should suffer for your mistakes.”

Ekaja nodded, her mouth pressing together, her eyes shining with the threat of tears. He’d never seen her cry before. She gestured to one of her guards and whispered a few words before he ran to do her bidding.

“I shall see that you have proper clothing and food for the rest of your journey.”

Rabin said nothing. He glared at Ekaja as they all took a moment to rest in the snow. When he didn’t answer, she turned and began shouting further orders to the few soldiers she had left, arranging them around the walls to ensure the city’s protection.

Zarya walked over and sank onto the snow next to Rabin as Row joined them, followed by Yasen.

“I have to tell you something,” Zarya said to Row, swallowing thickly. “Asha is alive. Or at least she was before we left for Taaranas.”

Row exhaled a shaky breath. “Urvi told us you were looking for her.”

She shook her head. “He was keeping her there because she was a nali, and the same god who found me also spoke to her. He was torturing her for information about me, all in service to this plan.”

Rabin studied Row’s face, his skin pale and his lower lip trembling.

His gaze met Zarya’s as the depths of haunting loss reflected in his dark eyes. “We went to look for her,” Row said. “Urvi helped us.”

Zarya inhaled a sharp breath, her gaze expectant.

“She wasn’t there.”

Her shoulders curved inwards as she reached out to clutch Rabin’s arm.

Row’s head dropped, his hair falling around his face.

They all sat quietly for a moment before Zarya spoke. “Then, I don’t know if she’s still alive. I almost didn’t want to tell you about her because I didn’t want to…”

“Get my hopes up?” Row asked, and she nodded.

“I’m sorry. This is all my fault. If the gods hadn’t chosen me. If I hadn’t been born, you would have been together.” Tears coated her cheeks, and she wiped them away.