Page 102 of The Heart Trials

The mercyenforcer lifts her, cradling her in his arms, and takes her away as she sobs on his shoulder. With Talia gone, I can see Lira and Orrick fully. She’s holding the folded piece of paper from his mother, the drawing for Finn.

What happened?

He was just—

We were just—

And he said—

The world sways, denting black at the edges.

I feel more than ill.

I feel pain where my heart is.

Wetness forms on my cheeks, and the odd ache in my chest unravels with each drop. I stumble backward, away from this horror, my gut lurching its way up my throat. Then I see Mae hugging Dorian’s shoulder.

“Mae.” I open my arms instinctually, and she opens hers like no time has passed at all since we sat and talked. It’s as if a strong, genuine connection can outlast whatever comes. We hold each other, standing there, and I let myself cry. For Orrick, who I hardly knew, and Lira, who I didn’t even trust. But it’s more than that. I cry harder, and I realize my tears are for my mother. And my father. And Serafina, who I am terrified I’ll never see again. They’re for the orphanage, and Dockers Row. For every person I’ve never cried for before who has deserved it. I’m crying because I need to. I’m crying because I’m finally allowed to. Here, I won’t be killed for it. I cry more for the Saltbloods who can’t.

Mae and I put our foreheads together. “It could have been anyone,” she says.

“No, Mae. This was planned.”

Her hazel eyes widen with fear. I look past her to more Mercyenforcers, watching. Kade is nowhere to be found. He did this. I know he did. Rhythe ordered him to. This is a game indeed, in its eleventh hour, and I’ve just met all the serious players.

“Later,” I tell her. “We will talk later. Trust Dorian. No one else.”

She nods, and we break our touch. It’s different from Caelus’s and mine, but still special. And I realize I’ve longed for it for so long.

When I turn the handle on my door, the last thing I see is Rhythe watching me from across the corridor.

III

Desperation

33

Syra is standing over me when I open my eyes, holding a gray shard full of shadows and light. The soft surface of the Heartfiller is like ash turned to stone, but within, veils of silver ripple when it catches the light. “For your pain, Contestant Fifty-Four.”

I scramble to sit up, pulling my covers over my gown. “My pain? I’m not hurt.”

“Your sadness. The Benevolent has approved special use of these mourning Heartfillers.” She sets the dark Heartfiller on my vanity before shuffling quickly out the door.

I slip out of bed and pad across the room to look at them more closely. I’ve never seen a Heartfiller like this one before. It’s the second unfamiliar Heartfiller I’ve seen since coming here. There are only three varieties, I’d thought. The ones we are issued: One for euphoria, an intense jolt of emotional elevation; one for memory, stimulating parts of the mind where memories are stored to replay them over and over for a time; and one to induce sleep. But there was the dark-coral memory one that caused all of our violent hallucinations, and now this one.

I was sad most of the night, waking up off and on to cry, as if all the tears I should have cried my entire life had unlodged themselves. And now I feel strangely lighter. As if there’s a medicine in tears. But this…

A mourning filler…

I turn the smooth faceted glass in my hand before dropping it in the disposal basket.

Sitting up, I try to pull myself together, but I have no desire to leave my room. I have no desire to leave my bed. I only wish that I could see Caelus. When did I become so dependent on him? I hate it. I finally exhale, put on fresh clothes, and drag myself to the door. He might be at breakfast. I also need to see Mae and tell her everything. I turn the door handle.

It doesn’t move.

I shake it.

“Hello?” It’s locked. I wriggle the door harder, pounding on the wood. “Hello! Is there anyone out there? Let me out! Let me out, right now.” I pace my room and spot a tray of food I missed. On it is a note. It’s handwritten.