Page 54 of Hate You to Love You

‘And if it wasn’t for Alastair, I probably would never have released Summer Memory, because I needed to write through everything happening around me to make sense of it. I thought back to the younger version of myself, who spent early mornings writing at the cafe, and imagined she’d be proud. Because at the end of the day, I got everything I dreamed of.’

‘But something must have changed,’ I put forward.

Claudia removes her scarf and lets out a deep breath as she looks up to the sky. ‘It did. I started to worry that all Alastair wanted was a life of praise, celebrity and partying. When I was in London with him for the premiere of the final Golden Ruin’s movie, it dawned on me that I had become completely exhausted by this life. He never stopped networking, hustling, wanting to go to events. It was suffocating.’

She pauses, taking a deep breath. ‘I needed to get away, to just sit with myself. This park quickly became a source of comfort. Even if this life that was starting to consume me on the other side of the river, I still had somewhere I could escape to, just for myself. It was here, a year later, during the Summer Memory tour, that I realised I didn’t even recognise my life. I loved writing, I loved my readers, but I felt empty and so far from the person I thought I’d be. The person I was.’

‘Did that pull you and Alastair apart?’ I ask.

‘We’d been drifting for a long time by that point,’ Claudia says. ‘As I was sitting here, I began to reflect on the people we were. I questioned whether we had only got together because of the timing. Did we work because I was lost and needed to be found? Would we last for the long haul? I can see it now that thinking like that started to put cracks in the foundation of our relationship. I’d always followed my gut instinct. I followed it when I moved to Sydney and again when I put my whole heart into writing. I couldn’t ignore this feeling.’

‘You ended things in Edinburgh, right? That’s why you left the tour. You were heartbroken. That’s why it’s a love story, except, it’s really about how one ends.’

‘If only the ending of our story was that simple.’

‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

Claudia rises from the bench and starts to wander towards where her driver is waiting for her by the main road. ‘I think we’re done for the day. I’ve still got a few interviews to get to. Thank you for listening.’

‘You can’t just end it there!’ I look at her, dumbfounded.

She shakes her head. ‘It’s one thing to hear my story, it’s another to understand it. Understanding takes time and reflection.’

Later that evening, I try to write up some notes from my interview with Claudia. I’m starting to form an angle for my article – what I’m really intrigued about is Alastair. It’s clear it was something that happened between them during the Edinburgh tour that led to her sudden disappearance.

I’m going through my notes when I hear the door open.

‘Sorry, did you want to be alone?’ Elliot’s voice is smooth and soft. Our interactions have been a little awkward since our victory at The National Gallery.

‘Shouldn’t you be with Claudia?’ I ask.

Dressed in a suit, Elliot loosens his tie and undoes the top three buttons of his shirt, revealing his collarbone. ‘We’re all done for the day. How’s the article coming along?’

‘I’m getting there…’ I look away from Elliot, biting my lip. I have so much riding on this, I have to show Tamara that I can still deliver a great story, and it makes me second-guess every decision.

‘I’ve been where you are before,’ he tells me.

‘You don’t have to try to make me feel better,’ I say.

‘I’m not just saying it.’ The warmth in his words sounds like a promise. ‘I know what it’s like to get so caught up with something it feels like you’ll never get to the other side. But you will get through it. The minute will pass, then the hour, and so will the day. Before long, what seems so impossible to get through will be something you look back on, and feel proud of yourself for getting through.’

I don’t know whether it’s because of how calm he sounds, but I find that I don’t want to fight with him right now. He’s saying exactly what I need to hear.

‘I’m here if you need me,’ Elliot says softly.

A nervous sensation surges across my entire body. ‘You mean for the tour, right?’

‘Yeah.’ Elliot smiles. ‘For the tour.’

chapter twenty-four

then

After Elliot and I admit we love each other, life falls into a rhythm that feels right. I’ve settled into Sparked, I’m getting along well with our receptionist, Addie, and the days pass with a comforting familiarity. My favourite part of the week is still movie night with Elliot. We’ve done the typical date night activities – exploring the newest cocktail bars and visiting coffee shops for cheese toasties and cold brews – but all I ever really want is to be at home with him, watching movies.

Tonight we’ve decided on Alex Strangelove. Seeing teens coming out in these romantic comedies always makes me long for the support I never got from my high-school friends. But, I remind myself, I have all the people that matter to me now.

‘You know how there are some couples that have songs?’ Elliot asks suddenly.