Page 75 of Hate You to Love You

‘Oh my god, you’ve actually read them!’

He shrugs. ‘They’re your favourites.’

I blush and quickly turn to the counter to make my purchase. We both thank Wendy for her recommendations and start walking back towards the Old Town.

‘We can go this way,’ Elliot suggests, nodding towards a small public square.

He leads me past a street full of pubs, Edinburgh Castle getting closer as we walk into the city. We stop at the bottom of a flight of winding stairs that disappear up between two sandstone buildings. After placing the book I purchased inside my tote bag, I keep my hands in my pockets to shield them from the bitter cold.

‘It takes a bit longer, but we’ll get a great view of the castle from the top of these steps,’ Elliot says as we begin to ascend.

The steps are slim and, between the two buildings, it’s damp and close. There’s definitely no grand view. All I’m getting is shortness of breath. Until we reach a small landing. I’m still catching my breath when Elliot puts both his hands on my shoulders and spins me around. A gust of wind makes his floppy hair dance slightly.

‘Look,’ he says.

I finally see what he means. I’m greeted by a full view of Edinburgh Castle and the hill it sits on. The jagged rooftops of buildings below look right out of fairytale. We end up sitting on the steps, taking in the sight in front of us for a moment. But my focus keeps drawing back towards the copy of You, Again that’s in my bag. I take the book out and hold it tightly in my hands.

‘Is something wrong?’ Elliot asks, his eyes gentle.

I consider dismissing Elliot’s concern. But something about the familiarity of his thoughtfulness makes me feel safe. Like I can trust him again.

‘I don’t think I can actually read this,’ I say. ‘I’m scared it will remind me of my dad.’

‘Wouldn’t your dad want you to continue loving them as much as he did?’

I clutch the book tightly and nod. ‘Every time I watch one, it reminds me of him. That he’s gone.’

‘You were lucky to have him as a dad,’ Elliot whispers.

I sniffle. ‘He was so passionate about everything and everyone. He once told me that if you love someone, you need to love them with all your heart. And that love is so powerful it transcends the ordinary.’

I lift my head up from the book and stare up at the castle in the distance. A break in the clouds allows the sun to shine through, giving the Old Town an enchanting glow.

‘I always wanted to live a life that was worthy of the movies,’ I continue. ‘Not only because my dad said that it was possible, but because I wanted to chase that warm and fuzzy feeling. And I got it. I used to feel like that. And then…’

I take a deep breath, unable to say the words.

‘I’m sorry,’ Elliot says, placing his hand on my upper thigh.

My body shifts away from him, and my muscles tense.

‘Carlos…’ he begins, but I cut him off.

‘Elliot, I need you to be really honest with me because I can’t afford to lose anyone else. Do you want to be part of my life again? After the tour?’

He frowns, opens his mouth and closes it again. But his hesitation speaks multitudes.

I get up from the steps. ‘There’s my answer, then.’

‘Wait!’ Elliot pleads. ‘Look, I’m not going to deny that I have felt things in the past few weeks that I didn’t think I’d ever feel again. You taught me what it was like to love, Carlos. But when we were apart, it’s like I forgot how to do it. Ever since I saw you that night at the launch, I… I don’t know. I can’t describe it.’

My foot takes a step down one step. ‘Well, I’m not going to wait around while you figure it out, Elliot.’ I let out a defeated sigh.

‘Carlos.’ Elliot gently reaches for my hand.

I pull away and begin running back down the stairs. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow.’

My heart tells me to stop, turn, and run back up the stairs to him. But I’ve followed my heart for so many years and only ended up getting hurt. This time, I’m going to follow my head. Logic. Real life. No matter how much it hurts.