Page 88 of Sour Notes

The back of my neck burns with a tingling sensation.

Is Swayze watching me or am I imagining it with all the talk about fucking him?

It’s probably the latter, besides it’s not like I can perform an Exorcist worthy neck turn to check without him noticing.

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Subject: RE: RE: Dickonomics is a hit!

I knew you were my favorite. Yes.

DATING HOW DON’TS! EXACTLY LIKE THAT!

Sorry, sorry, caps button got a little sticky… or I’m excited!

You are smashing this, girl!

Can’t wait.

Talk soon.

J

God, I love her. I know that’s not the norm, but I’m so lucky I’ve got this job.

I lose myself to work, not even stopping to stare at Swayze when he strolls past to dive into the pool—that’s solid progress.

Gold star for me.

3. Veganism is a choice. Yours. Theirs. No one’s judging, but it’s on you to ask the question if it’s that important to you. Don’t assume they have the same proclivities as you then rage if they don't. They might just like steak, dude, and that’s ok!

4. Speaking of steak, if you’re inviting your date to a fancy restaurant, don’t show up sweaty in ripped-up gym clothes. Read the room, bro. If this isn’t a late-night MatchNote hookup where the only objective is to insert tab A into slot B, make a damn effort. Dress up. Shower. Actually, try to look like you want that second date. Then TALK. But not just about yourself. Don’t just sit in awkward silence—take an interest, ask a question about them. (P.S. Even before a MatchNote hookup, be sure to shower. No one wants to touch a dirty sex part.)

5. Sex is a sport. This is true. Great exercise, but we don’t need you to announce before you even get going that you really need to get fitter. Keep that shit in. Also, while we’re at it, before you run off the starting line, make sure you’ve removed both your socks. There isn’t anything hot about an overeager puppy in one sock making grabby hands to remove our panties.

6. Never tell someone “I love you” on the first date. Let’s be real, you don’t. They’re hot, and you're just horny!

7. pics and you. You have to know, if you send them, they’ll show their friends. So if you don’t want that shit getting out, refrain. We are not on Snapchat, my dudes. You could maybe try and wow them with your conversation skills instead of the size of your eggplant. We all know that’s mostly just good angles anyway.

8. Black leather gloves during playtime. Unless you’re into a specific scene (no kink shaming here), don’t slide them out. Especially if it’s your first message. No one thinks seeing your little mushroom cloud spilling onto the black leather is hot with zero context. It. Just. Looks. Weird.

9. We know some people have made serious moolah getting their adult vids out there, but if you’re trying to get someone to agree to meet you for a first date, sending them your home vids with multiple other partners prooooobably isn’t the way to do it. They might watch prawn, but that doesn’t mean they want to be Prawnhubs next homegrown star.

10. —

Swayze climbs out of the pool and entirely kills my flow with all his wet, rippling manmeat.

Thou shalt not be led into temptation.

Not today, Satan.

Consider me a straight-up vegetarian. Manmeat is strictly off the menu.

“You don't mind sharing your office, do you?” He doesn’t wait for a response, plopping down on the lounger beside me with all the grace a six-foot four giant can muster. Dammit.

“Hey, be careful, Wolff! Your giant ass is gonna break it.”