Page 137 of Pretender

“I was being Henry. By trying to make it less shit, to calm it all. I was just like Henry.” I put my face in my hands, replaying the scene. It’s morphed and weird, but her face is clear as day. “FUCK.” The fear in her eyes when I reached out for her. When she brushed her arm… I reminded her of that night, didn’t I? Of that horrible Halloween. Fuck, I need to undo this. How can I earn back her trust?

CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT

this is hard

AIDEN

It’s nicer than I expected. I assumed it’d be all white and minimalistic. It’s more like a regular office, but bigger. More books. All browns and blues.

I’m in a chair across from the therapist I booked in the second I woke up this morning. But now I regret it. He’s staring at me, his notebook on his knee. Scratching his thick, brown beard with the back of his pen. I wait for him to start because I’m lost in my messy mind.

“You wrote in your booking note that you struggle to talk about things that are painful and that you don’t want to be like your dad.”

“Yes, although I’m not sure, now that I’m here. I can’t…” I wave a hand, fighting the swirling discomfort in my gut at the idea of Dr Carter digging through my worries, “…think of what to say.”

“Why did you book the session? What prompted this?”

“I fucked up with my girlfriend. And now I’m not sure she wants to be my girlfriend.”

I clear my throat and shift in my seat, moving my ankle to rest on my opposite knee.

“What makes you sure you messed it up?”

“She left, crying, that’s one thing. I… Uh… I disappointed her, I guess, and then I told her to calm down and not make a big deal of it, and it’s something that triggers her. I behaved like her ex.”

“What was happening for you in that moment?”

I think back on last night and it gives me heartburn to relive it. My fears when faced with the prospect of being Linnea’s forever, the way I froze like a fucking coward when Linnea asked me about it. I didn’t say any of the things I should have. That I could never imagine being with anyone else. She’s the only person I want. She’s my home.

I give the therapist a short version. Sex club, didn’t resign, Linnea was upset, didn’t share my thoughts, and fucked up instead.

“When you went to resign, what went through your mind as you made the decision?”

“The manager asked me whether I was Linnea’s forever, and I panicked. It’s a long story about my dad. We’ll probably need more than an hour for that.”

Dr Carter nods, considering me from under his bushy eyebrows.

“Well, uh,” I continue, “I’ve never talked about it with anyone. When I look at it more closely, it makes my heart race and I struggle to breathe.”

I drop my foot back onto the floor.

“Can you tell me more about this club? What was your favourite thing about it?”

I raise an eyebrow at him, he doesn’t want to ask about my dad?

“The no-strings sex, of course,” I say. “The privacy.”

“Why do you feel you need a club for that?”

“I told you, I didn’t want to just have sex with people and end up hurting them. And I like to have sex.”

“Why?”

A laugh escapes me, but the therapist inclines his head, urging me to answer.

“It’s good?” I say, raising my eyebrows.

“More than a physically?”