Page 148 of Pretender

“Yeah… I grew up with the best father in the world. He was so attentive. So caring. And I thought my parents had this grand love story. But then, at twenty-three, I found out he had lied regularly. He kept secrets. He didn’t fully choose to be with Mum, despite making it sound like he did. He was there in London, but he … hedged his bets, as you called it.

“So, I read these letters from the family… One of them was truly scathing. A proper telling-off. It described my dad as a man who slept around and was a selfish arsehole—I’m paraphrasing—who didn’t care about the Aurato name, and that he had kept all these secrets from Mum, and built his life outside her, around her, but not with her. It was a mind-fuck.

“I pushed it all down. Didn’t talk to anyone about it. About him. Just … pretended I’d never seen it. Decided to focus on being the man my mother raised me to be. To find the kind of love that I used to be convinced they had.”

I shift in my seat and Aiden finds my gaze again, his eyebrows curl up in that way that makes my heart flutter but also puts me on edge.

“That’s why I became a member of that club.”

“Why? Sorry, I must have missed a beat.”

“Over the years, I started getting lost in the dating and sleeping around that came with it. And it hit me I’d easily turn into that version of my dad from the letter if I wasn’t careful. I’m a sexual man, and I wanted to keep having sex, just without hurting anyone’s feelings.” He shrugs, and I let out a laugh.

I’m not going to ask about the sex club right now. It doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things.

His smile falters again. “When I sat in the room, pen in hand, and they said it had to be good to be so certain of our forever—I was struck by the notion that I wouldn’t be good enough for you. That by keeping these secrets from you, I’d already failed you. That I was already on the path to hurting you.”

He puts his glass down on the table next to us and rubs his neck, stretching up. I wait for more, gripping my glass tightly.

“So, I followed in his ridiculous footsteps by not letting go when I should have. My therapist and I will talk more about it, because he says it’s related to my need to move away from painful thoughts. But there’s no excuse for my hesitation, Linnea, because there really is none when it comes to you. Please know that my choice in that moment was all about me doubting myself, it was not about you. I’d burn down all my bridges and sign over my entire company to you if I could because it’s crystal clear to me that we will be forever. If you can please forgive me and give me a chance to be the man you deserve.”

Inhaling through my nose, I’m glad the cognac overpowers Aiden’s scent. It means a lot to me that Aiden’s sharing. That he’s working with a therapist. But I need to stay strong. Say what I need to say.

I stand up and Aiden follows, but I walk around the chair to the four-poster, needing to create some distance between us to so I can see this through. I trace the patterns of the carved wooden bed frame.

“The way you responded to me on Saturday. It reminded me of Henry, and it scared me,” I say, and keep my gaze on him. The devastation on his face makes my chest ache so much, I snap my eyes away again. “You made me worried I’m making the mistake I promised I never would.”

“I realised that as I watched you walk away. I pushed my mistake onto you, made you feel you were in the wrong for reacting.”

“Aiden, there’s something I need to know. I’ve been living with it since, and it still hits me sometimes.” My gaze finds his again, his eyes are still full of pain and worry but I need to look at him to see his response. “On Halloween… when you saw me fall apart like that. The look in your eyes was pure pity for me. You don’t entirely respect me, do you?”

“What? Sorry, can you please explain? I’m not following.” His eyebrows curl up, forehead wrinkling, and he closes the gap between us in two tentative steps. I let him, although it’s probably not a good idea to have him this close.

“You saw me at my lowest,” I say, talking to his chest. “You saw the sad, chaotic mess of a woman I am. After that, you were just the charming Aiden you were with everyone else, making jokes and laughing things off, and I was sure you’d lost any respect you had for me.”

Aiden shakes his head above me, putting both hands to his mouth, so I turn my gaze to his forearms. His beautiful forearms I’ve not had a chance to trace every vein of yet. So much left of his body to explore.

I close my eyes and continue. “I’ve been trying not to dwell on it these weeks that we’ve been together, but last weekend, when you dismissed me like that—it hit all over again.” I open my eyes again now as I’m about to say the hardest words. “I’m not worth it. All the effort it takes to love me completely.”

Aiden gapes and drops to his knees in front of me, his eyes shine and I suck in my lower lip so he won’t see it trembling. His hands hover near my hips, and in my mind he grasps me, he hugs me tight, letting me feel the heat of his broad body.

But in the real world he lets his hands drop as he lifts his face, looking up at me.

“The way I acted, my reaction to your question, that was me being a coward. I was the one making a ridiculous mistake, and I made you feel like you were in the wrong for asking. That was pathetic of me. Please trust that I recognise that, and I’ll never do that again. Linnea, you must know… I love you. Completely. Fully.”

I inhale sharply, my throat tightening.

“Linnea,” he breathes and shuffles closer, his hands on my calves now. I let him. The heat from his skin soothes me. “I’m struggling to find the words right now, but I’ll try, okay?” He sits back on his heels.

I nod, picking at my cuticle again, but find his eyes again when he says a soft, “Hey.”

It’s too soft, too much, and I shift my legs. He takes the hint and puts his hands back on his knees, leaving the skin where his hands had been cold and exposed.

“On Halloween,” he continues, craning his neck to keep eye contact. “I didn’t look at you with pity. It was with compassion. I cared for you. I had overheard a fight between you and Henry once before and wanted to intervene, but I was worried you’d resent me for it. When I saw you on Halloween, I was angry with myself for not getting closer to you earlier, for not being there for you, even as a friend. I did not lose my respect for you, Linnea. On the contrary. You stood up to him and that takes guts. I tried so hard to get closer to you after, but my approach was clearly all wrong, and I’m so fucking ashamed about that.

“This last weekend, when we spoke, I went about it wrong again, and I didn’t understand it myself at the time. The words I said were not the ones I wanted, and I regret most that I did what my father did after all this time I’ve tried not to be like him. I always said I’d give up everything for the right girl, and there I was, not doing that. I wasn’t true to myself or you in that moment, but please, Linnea. Please give me another chance. Let me prove to you that I’m all in. I love you so much.” The way his voice is only a whisper at the last words makes my throat close up. I press my lips together so I don’t just scream out ‘I love you’. I must learn from the past. One step at a time.

I stop myself from doing what I want to, from placing a careful hand on the side of his face. I’m not brushing my thumb across his cheekbone. Not letting him hug me close, the way I can tell he wants to.