Page 11 of I Love You, It’s Ruining My Life

The bell above the door chimed, and as my eyes flicked up, my heart dropped. I knew there was a chance Nalini would show up; it was a small town, and she'd always been a voracious reader - and the reason I knew what the word “voracious” meant. Her thick, curly hair was in a hair tie that looked like it was fighting for its life trying to hold it in the ponytail; her face was glistening with sweat, and she looked like she'd just come from the yoga studio across the street.

It took Nalini a moment to realize I was here. I thought she was about to say something, but instead, she changed her mind. She opened her water bottle, took a drink, and walked right past me instead. I’d thought the typewriter was a thoughtful gesture, but I’d also decided it was my last try. If she wanted to pretend I wasn’t here, I wasn’t going to push any more.

I tried to ignore Nalini as she browsed the bookshelves, and unfortunately, the book she was looking for was right next to the chair I was sitting in. She couldn’t blame that on me; I was here first.

“Why. Are. You. Everywhere?” she hissed at me, quiet enough that nobody else could hear.

“Cassidy is joining Liam’s Dice & Dragons game,” I said, “she insisted on talking to Mr. Robinson herself to get help finding the sourcebooks and materials. I should probably rescue him soon; she’s been talking his ear off for about ten minutes.”

“Mr. Robinson is a secret softie, and wouldn’t forgive you if you did,” Nalini said, and I knew she was right. The man had the same grumpy exterior as when we were kids, and Cassidy was probably the highlight of his day — even though it came with the unlucky bonus of me being there too.

“Well, he’s also not forgiving me for being here,” I said with a shrug, “Most people aren’t. I’m getting used to it.” I watched as her eyes narrowed, the wheels of her mind turning in a way I couldn’t interpret. The silence that followed was awkward as Nalini turned back to the bookshelf. I thought about asking what she was looking for as she scanned the titles, but my gut told me it'd somehow make things worse. Again.

“Why did you come back?” Nalini asked after a few minutes. I'd thought she’d moved on; I'd gotten engrossed in a game on my phone to try and respect the space she clearly wanted.

“A lot of reasons,” I admitted, “Most of them being money. Briar Hill has a cheaper cost of living, and the house is paid off. And I wanted Cassidy to live somewhere more down-to-earth; the suburbs weren’t a great environment for her.”

“Your royalties dried up that much?” Nalini asked, her eyebrows scrunched together in confusion.

“I haven’t put out any new music in years,” I pointed out. “There’s still streaming, and a few other things, so it’s enough to live on in a place like Briar Hill. Especially after how rough the past few years were.” I watched as her eyes seemed to widen with understanding: cancer wasn’t cheap.

“I didn’t realize,” Nalini finally said, going back to the bookshelf, “Sorry.”

“You don’t need to apologize,” I offered, though I was used to that particular “apology.” The polite one that was used when someone wasn’t sure what to say about Julia. The one that annoyed me so much a year ago, and now seemed like it was going to be a fact of life any time she was brought up.

“At least I know what I’m apologizing for,” I heard her mutter under her breath, and a surge of frustration filled me. Apologizing to Nalini seemed to have been the wrong thing to do, while not apologizing also seemed that way. If we couldn’t be friends again, I wanted to, at least, be civil. For Cassidy’s sake, since she adored Nalini with every fiber of her being.

“What are you talking about?” I asked, my voice sounding as exasperated as I felt.

“Why do you think I’m upset with you? I’m curious,” Nalini asked, her voice full of venom as she whipped around, her ponytail smacking the books on the shelf behind her.

“Because of the song?” I slowly asked, though as I spoke, it was clear it was the wrong answer.

“I don’t care about the song!” Nalini exclaimed, loud enough Mr. Robinson and Cassidy stopped talking and looked at us for a moment. She shrugged them off before taking a breath. “Okay, that’s not true. But I know Jack, and I know what your face looks like when you’re blindsided. I saw the video approximately a million times. It’s obvious Jack figured out a way to keep you and Noah in the dark on its title until he announced it.”

“Then what did I do, Nalini?” I asked.

“Nothing!” she hissed, “You. Did. Nothing. You could've suggested your new security team watch my house in addition to yours. You could've told the paparazzi to back off. You could've done anything, but instead, you ghosted. You took your fame and your money, and you sacrificed me to the media so I could be the villain, and Jack could get sympathy in a way that made you even more famous. Did you know they camped out in front of my house for months after you moved? Someone kept feeding them information Jack was going to come by, or we were going to get back together. My Mom told me this was my fault, and she got worse. In fact, my 18th birthday present was her kicking me out so she could move and never have to deal with me or my problems again. I spent half of senior year sleeping on Peri’s couch! That’s why I’m mad, Kameron! You did nothing and sacrificed my life and my dreams, so you and your brothers could have yours.”

I blinked for a moment, not sure what to say. Years of guilt washed over me all at once, as I realized Nalini was right. Everything she said were thoughts I’d already had. I’d chosen not to protect her; I’d chosen not to do anything. I’d chosen Jack and fame and stupidly thought she’d get over it. I’d actively made every single wrong decision, and I was still paying the price for it.

“You’re right,” I quietly said, and it was her turn to look surprised. I hadn’t realized Nalini thought I wouldn’t admit to it. “I should've done something. I can make excuses, but… I’m sorry. I should’ve protected you or at least attempted to contain the damage.”

“Well,” Nalini said after a few moments, “That’s a start.” She blinked a few times, and it was clear she was thinking through something. It was the kind of face that, years ago, I would've known exactly what she was thinking. But we were older now, and Nalini was more cynical. I'd be kidding myself if I thought I could still read her mind.

“Listen,” I sighed, “If there’s some way I can make it up to you, I want to. I just…” I trailed off as I realized there was a smirk on Nalini’s face, one that sent chills down my spine. One I did recognize, and it meant whatever she was going to suggest, I wasn’t going to like it.

“Hey Frank!” she called – and honestly, I was shocked to find out that was the old man’s name. “Put in the order for the classroom set I was telling you about. Kameron’s paying.”

“Since when are you on a first-name basis with Mr. Robinson?” I asked, before realizing what she'd said. “And what part of I came here because of money problems made you think I can buy that many books?”

“Pretty sure our definitions of money problems are two completely different things, and Frank will give you a discount on a bulk order,” she shrugged, “Plus I’m sure if Cassidy asks nicely, he’ll give you a payment plan.”

“Fine,” I grumbled, mentally making sure I could actually afford it. She continued to make small talk through the transaction, which ended up only being about twenty books, while I'd imagined it being at least fifteen more. Even with it being much less than expected, even with it somewhat opening the door between Nalini and me, it stung being used like a wallet. It reminded me of everything that went wrong with my parents, how they'd done the same to me and my brothers before we had to forcibly and legally cut them out of our lives.

“So, can I call you Frank?” I asked, paying for Cassidy’s sourcebooks in addition to the giant order for Nalini.

“No,” Mr. Robinson said almost immediately, “Kid can though.”