Page 8 of I Love You, It’s Ruining My Life

I didn’t know how Mel cleaned up that mess without the dirty details getting out, but it proved she had our backs. It was why I still paid her, even though the chances of my using her services again were slim.

I ran from any discomfort the band’s implosion caused. I ran from my feelings and my hurt, just like I’d done with Nalini years earlier. In my core, I’d always been a coward who ran away instead of trying to fix things. It was my first instinct whenever anything happened, but at least my therapist had worked with me on how to healthily manage my emotions. I just wish I’d learned how a decade sooner.

“I’d be fine if it was a reunion show,” I finally said after a long, awkward silence. “Go out, play the old songs for a week in Vegas or something. But another album? I’m pretty sure if we tried, we wouldn’t ever speak to each other again. And I’d be run out of Briar Hill. As awkward as it is being back, I really don’t want to move again.”

“Is it really that bad?” Noah asked, “I didn’t think anyone would really care…”

“I can’t leave the house without getting glared at,” I admitted. “I don’t know what, but I’ve quickly gotten the feeling something happened after we left. Something we were blamed for. Cassidy’s been welcomed with open arms but… I don’t know. I don’t think anyone would be willing to answer my questions. And with Nalini being here… we need her permission. I don’t want to upend her life, especially when I still haven’t figured out how to apologize and…”

“Hold up,” Noah interrupted, “She threw a coffee in your face and at no point in all that you thought to say “I’m Sorry?””

“Well…” I groaned before he kept going.

“You should've apologized when the song first came out. Or after the coffee incident. Or literally any time within the past fifteen years?” he scoffed at me, judgement dripping from his words, “If I were her, I’d have thrown the drink and the cup. No wonder she’s pissed.”

“Thanks. You’re making me feel so much better,” I flatly said. I'd already come to that conclusion myself, but Noah pointing it out made me feel worse.

“Alright, apologize. ASAP. It might help to mention Jack blindsided us with the name…”

“At this point? I don’t think she’d believe me,” I pointed out.

“I didn’t know Nalini well enough to have any opinion on that,” Noah said, “But a heartfelt apology, maybe a present? I don’t know if it’d work, but it’s better than nothing.”

A present was a great idea, but I didn’t know what Nalini would even want. It was obvious she still loved books, but the way she'd reacted when I asked about her writing took me by surprise. Either her books had characters where I was the villain, though if it were the case I’d think she’d want me to know all the ways she brutally killed me, or if she just didn’t want me anywhere near her writing. I was still trying to figure out why she became a teacher. My gut told me it had something to do with how most people weren’t happy I came back to Briar Hill. I wondered if part of the reason she stayed was to have some level of safety. Away from anyone who'd mention RaineFall.

And if I'd trampled over her safety net by moving back.

“I’ll think about it. Probably won’t work but…” I sighed, not even able to finish my thought. I knew how stupid it sounded.

“Anyway,” I said, deciding to change the subject, “I have a feeling Jack’s going to call me this week, asking about new RaineFall songs. Any tips on how to tell him I don’t have any?”

“When’s the last time you wrote anything?” Noah asked, and I immediately grimaced.

“Raine-y Days,“ I grumbled, immediately remembering how bad even the album name had been, “I haven’t even picked up a guitar since Julia was first diagnosed. I’m so rusty, I don’t think there’s anything good that might come out of me attempting anything.”

“I know Jack’s acting like you’re destitute, and I logically know you’re not,” Noah finally said. “But the safety net that comes from this kind of money, it’s not something you can really ignore. Not when you spent so much for Julia. So, with that in mind, take money out of it. If you didn’t have to think about it, would you bring back the band?”

“No,” I quietly admitted, “My heart’s not in it, and I refuse to do it for the money.”

“That’s what you need to tell Jack,” Noah quietly said, “Not some excuse about how you’re not sure you can write. Tell him the truth: that RaineFall was special, and we need to bring that back before we can even think about the band.”

Another silence fell between us, though this one was much less awkward than the others had been. The kind that came from understanding each other instead of trying to dance around the point.

“Listen,” Noah finally said after a few moments, “I know Jack is pushing this hard. And the codependent twin thing makes you feel guilty if you don’t do what he wants. Just be honest, do what’s right for you, and don’t upend Cassidy’s life for Jack’s vanity. I'm giving it as much thought, and I’m not saying yes unless it’s right. Promise you’ll do the same?”

“Deal,” I nodded, feeling the weight of the burden fall off me. For the first time, I actually felt like I had my brother back. He wasn’t just an old bandmate, but my little brother; the one who took everything seriously, the one who was so driven he seemed like Superman, the one who didn’t understand a joke, but would call you in the middle of the night laughing when it finally clicked.

“Hey, I’ve got rehearsal, I need to go,” Noah said, “but don’t be a stranger, okay?”

“I won’t,” I assured him. I knew I had things to fix with Nalini, and taking Noah’s advice, I opened my computer and made a few questionable purchases. If I couldn’t convince her to give me a fresh start, that was fine. I needed to take accountability for my part of the problem instead of letting it fester even more.

It was time I started to truly live my own life again, instead of just accepting everything that happened to me. I’d been a shell of myself for so long; it was time to start taking back the parts of me I’d lost along the way.

And in the back of my mind, a new melody started to form. There weren’t lyrics, not yet, but there was something. And maybe, just maybe, I could find that part of myself too.

Chapter seven

Nalini