Page 68 of The Stranger

“It takes a lot of years of study to be a doctor, and I do know a lot of things.” And I generally don’t wing it with the things I don’t know, but in this instance, what choice do I have? “Like, I know that at your age your brain is still developing. That it’s not yet ready to process explicit…”

A frown ripples across his brow.

“Your brain isn’t ready to view images of a sexual nature.” My gaze slides to the TV and I physically start. Maybe my own brain is suffering from a sexual delay because it would seem I’m not ready, either. “Can we turn this off?”

He quickly reaches for the remote.

“It’s just a bit—” I was going to say in your face, but I’m sure that but comes later, pardon the pun. “It’s a bit much,” I settle on. “Right, so.” I run my hands down to my knees, my fingers hugging them. “I know a bit about brains from being a doctor, but I also know about this from experience.”

“You watch pornographie?” His eyes grow to the size of dinner plates.

“I—no.” Porn makes my soul want to escape my body. I’m still having nasty flashbacks about the things I saw at that bloody house in Paris. “Not that I think there’s anything necessarily wrong with watching porn, for adults who want to watch. But it’s not for kids.”

Felix frowns.

“When I was at school, and I was not much older than you, someone showed me something my brain wasn’t ready to process.” Fucking Piers Landers. He cornered me, his mates holding me by the arms so I couldn’t move as he shoved his phone in my face. God, it was awful—not your regular run-of-the-mill vanilla porn. And his expression was so vile, and I still remember how horrible it was when his spittle hit my cheek as he spat such venomous words. He said he was doing me a favor. That if I watched it, then maybe I wouldn’t be so…. Well, he used my least favorite word again. Frigid.

I’d felt such shame. I didn’t want to watch, but they forced me to. Shame for seeing those things. Shame for being different. Or so I felt. Those images were stuck in my head for a long time. But I didn’t tell anyone. How could I?

I push the memories aside as Felix mumbles something in French and hangs his head.

“Like you said, it got stuck in here,” I add, tapping my temple. “It disturbed me.” Confused me. Made me feel all kinds of icky. Made me scrub my skin in the shower until it hurt.

“Yes, this I know.” His eyes suddenly brim with tears.

“But I didn’t go looking for more,” I begin again gently. “I couldn’t really, which probably helped.” The internet is a blessing and a curse. I don’t think you should go looking, either. Not until you’re older. The truth is it’s damaging. And maybe I’m also supposed to tell you that women ought not to be objectified, because it’s true. Only, right now, I’m more interested in what watching this stuff does to you.”

“What it does?” He looks taken aback a moment, and I let out a nervous laugh.

“Not the obvious things it does to you. More like the things it does in here.” I tap my head again. “And here.” I place my hand over my heart. “My guess is it isn’t making you feel good. You’re not in trouble, and you shouldn’t feel ashamed, but you should know that watching pornography too young can cause damage.” Please don’t ask if I mean chafe.

“You mean like cigarette smoking? Don’t worry, I do not smoke.”

“Good,” I say with a little too much relief as I slice my hair behind my ears. One vice at a time is enough to deal with.

“Smoking is very bad for you.”

“Pornography can be too. It can alter a young person’s brain, messing with their reward circuitry. The wiring, you know? It can also alter the chemicals that make us happy, and I know that might sound strange when it can make you feel happy in the moment,”—please don’t ask why or how—“but it can cause long term problems.”

Emotions flicker and fade across his young face.

“It can sort of dull your senses, sort of make things that are ordinarily enjoyable not so much fun. It can affect your mood and your personality. Make you feel sad or anxious.”

“This I know.”

“And all because your brain isn’t yet developed enough. Because you’re not old enough.”

“So I should wait until I’m grown to watch?”

“Well, when you’re an adult, that’s a question you can ask yourself then. It’s absolutely normal to be curious and to have feelings, but you shouldn’t seek answers or comfort by watching porn.”

He looks so young and so concerned sitting in the sea of his huge blue bed. “You have given me a lot to think about, Primrose.”

“Of course. Anytime.” I note my mistake as his expression immediately turns hopeful.

“May I ask a question?”

I nod reluctantly. “Of course.” Even if I really rather you wouldn’t.