Page 52 of Open Net

Grant folded his beefy arms across his chest. “Go to the appointments today, Letang, or you’re out.”

He finally walked out of the room and I fell back against the strange bed. I knew I was being a jerk. I knew I was driving everyone crazy. I was making them miserable. Like me.

I didn’t want to bring them down to my level, but I wasn’t exactly in the right frame of mind. All I wanted was to be left alone. I wanted to stay in bed and let the world go on without me. It was better off that way. All I’d done for weeks was cause stress and pain.

The team was doing well. The kid was handled himself better than I expected. They didn’t need me.

I hadn’t been around to help Emma with Jackson. He was already seven weeks old and I’d missed so much by being in my darkness. Emma was doing it well on her own with the help of the Pride. Those girls were the ones she needed. Not me. I made her cry. I left her alone. I failed her.

I deserved the pain and darkness. I welcomed it.

Why couldn’t the guys let me sink away? Why couldn’t they leave me alone? I deserved it all.

I pushed them away and they came back with twice as much force. I just wanted it to stop.

How was I supposed to get through this? How was I going to take a year off and get back into shape for next season? How was I going to overcome my anger?

I stared up at the white ceiling as if answers would appear.

It felt impossible.

I picked my phone up from the nightstand and frowned at the screen. No missed notifications. No texts or calls.

Emma hadn’t spoken to me in four days. It was the longest we’d gone since we met. When I was on the road, she called me every night to talk. She sent me messages throughout the day. She said she wanted to always feel like we were living our lives together, even when we were apart.

I probably should have told her something cheesy about how we’ll always be under the same stars or moon, but I’d just told her that thanks to the gift of modern technology we were one call or text away from each other, no matter where we were.

I probably should have specified that included when we were emotionally distant. Physical distance was something we overcame early and adjusted to. This was all new ground for me. I didn’t know if I should reach out. Would it make her upset? Was she waiting for me to call?

It felt like every passing second that I didn’t reach out the hole I was in got a foot deeper, expanding the distance. I was too far in now to reach the edge and pull myself out. I needed a rope or a rescue team.

I needed her to tell me it was okay to try. I needed her to make the first move.

I was a coward, I knew, but that’s what was so amazing about Emma. She always sensed when I needed her. When I needed her to be the brave one and make the first move. So why wasn’t she now?

Maybe she’d had enough. This life was tough. I was away a lot. My schedule was hectic. She had every reason and every right to want an escape. To claim a piece of normal.

The urge to throw my phone into the wall boiled in me. It was almost enough to follow through, but I promised Grant no more property damage.

I didn't want to admit it and I would never, ever say it to his face, but he was right. I needed to go to my appointments today. I knew Coach’s threats were empty, but it was time for me to make an effort again. I knew Madeline would be reporting back to Emma about my progress. I didn’t want to disappoint her anymore. At least, not in this respect. It was probably the only thing in my life I could control.

I slid out of bed and checked my reflection in the bathroom.

I wasn’t one of the guys that grew a beard. It wasn’t a great look for me. Emma said I looked like a lumberjack, and not in the cute, burly way but in the unkempt, lives in the forest alone kind of way. She said I could be a predator. It had been weeks, since Mexico, that I’d shaved. I was a few more weeks away from looking like a nest for small woodland creatures.

I rubbed my hands over it and shrugged. No one cared about my appearance right now. I didn’t have any interviews or photoshoots in the near future. Might as well embrace it.

After showering and changing I put the brace back on and took a short walk to the arena. The best thing about Grant’s place, besides the fact it was one of the only places I was semi-welcome, was that it was across the street from work. It was over a shopping and entertainment center, like an outdoor mall, that had been going through a period of rejuvenation...for years. The apartments above the shops were still pricey, but Grant had gotten a deal when he agreed to announce he was moving in. The property management thought it would bring in new residents and business. I didn’t know how that worked out for them, but it sure was nice for us.

Three minutes after locking his front door, I walked into the arena. There wasn’t much that could beat that level of convenience. I loved our home and knew it was the right move for our family, but sometimes I resented the thirty-minute drive through downtown to get here.

At the rate things were going, I might have to look into getting my own place. Maybe I’d be Grant’s neighbor.

The thought made me sick. It was a real possibility.

If I didn’t get my crap together, I’d lose everything that mattered to me.

I rolled my head side to side to try to loosen up. It wasn’t to that point yet. I could still fight.